The Transparent Mom
It never ceases to amaze me at the level of shock some of my friends seem to have on their faces when I am blatantly open and honest about some of the struggles I have with my kids. I think we are so used to feeling like we are in constant competition with other moms, about who is the better mom and who has the perfect children, that we forget how much we need to be real with each other to stay sane and learn from each other.
All too often we are met with a struggle or even just something weird we aren’t sure how to handle and we seek out advice. Sure many women feel comfortable asking thier own mothers, but truthfully, how many of our moms REALLY remember exactly how they handled potty training or talking back? Half the time, I can’t remember how I handled things with my son that I am now dealing with in raising my daughter… and they are only 2.5 years apart!!!
So, what’s a girl to do? How do you find other moms you can be totally transparent with and how can you encourage those kinds of friendships?
Join a mom’s group – Whether you join a group like the type I mentioned last Wednesday or you are just involved in a play group, take advantage of the wisdom of other mom’s (especially if they have older children)!
Listen to your friends – You can tell if a friend is struggling, so when you realize this… encourage them to talk about it. This can be a mutually transparent relationship and both of you can grow from it.
Find an online parenting community – Let’s face it, people are always more bold and honest online than in person — they feel more safe and are more willing to reveal personal things. This can be a great outlet to get advice, but be warned, as with anything you do online, be careful with how much personal information you give and weigh the advice of strangers before taking it to heart!
Be transparent with YOURSELF! – Once other moms see that you are willing to take the risk and put yourself out there, so will they!
Are you a transparent mom? Are you too afraid of not living up to others standards that you are not transparent enough? What have you done to find these kinds of relationships?
Photo Courtesy of David Boyle
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You know, I wanted to bring this up the other day with the “one-upping” blog post.
I feel that I one-up with friends. But I also one-down (as you could say).
With dear friends, you should be able to be excited about your children’s accomplishments. And you should also be able to confide in someone about problems. A good friend will be excited for you about the good things. And they can help you through the bad.
I think it’s just a matter of finding the right person that you’re comfortable with and speaks as honestly as you do…
Amy, I couldn’t agree more with finding someone who speaks as honestly as you do. If you keep baring your soul to someone who doesn’t do the same, they won’t seem comfortable with how much you share. This takes trial and error. I am a heart-on-my-sleeve kind of girl, and some people just can’t handle it. Oh well. Every now and then I come across a soul-sister who is the same way, and our conversations are the best! It is always such a joy to find someone who will not be intimidated by transparent emotion.
I too am a heart-on-the-sleeve kind of girl… and it’s hard to find others who really “get” me, so when I find them, I hold on tight!
I also think that being transparent is somewhat of an art form… you have to perfect it. You can’t just go in blurting everything or it’s overwhelming to people, so you gradually have to introduce it!!!
I really like this post. I think that the “one-upping” mentality or competition with others on similar paths as you is pretty common no matter what that path is. When I was in college, it was no different – just a different set of circumstances. You learn to recognize relationships like that and eventually distance yourself, but I really love that you seem like you understand that self-disclosure is what builds relationships. Hang on to the few that are mostly devoid of those competitive mentalities. Thanks for the wise-words
I have the same problem. I actually remember a “friend” chiding me for something I said about parenting being hard and I was really angry with her for that when her eldest son had been in and out of jail for years. What was that the Bible says about taking the wood out of your own eye before removing the one from your “brother’s?”