Safeguarding Your Marriage from Infidelity
This post isn’t the usual light Friday faire, but it is something that it is on my heart to share with you all. I truly believe that both spouses will be tempted to cheat as long as they are married. The temptation may not be there every day, but comes and goes over time. Cheating isn’t necessarily sleeping with someone else, but sharing your life that you should be sharing with your spouse with someone else.
No one wakes up and says, “I’m going to have an affair today!” It happens gradually over time. It begins with a thought in your own heart, an innocent flirtation, or checking someone out. You may not think anything of it at the time, but it can build up in your heart. I think it is so important for couples to talk about this subject and hold each other accountable. No one is above temptation.
Here are some ways that we can safeguard our marriages from infidelity.
1. Confess to your spouse when you check someone out. Before we are married we are programmed to check out every potential guy. Then you get married and have to turn that “checking out” switch off. After a while you don’t even think about doing that, then one day you just do it. It happens. I tell my spouse what I did or he tells me and we move on. I do think it is harder for guys, because some women like to showcase their boobs.
2. Don’t put yourself in situations that have the appearance of infidelity. As a common rule, don’t be alone in a house with a friend of the opposite gender, ride in the car, or go out to lunch. This may be extreme, but if you never get in those situations you will never give the impression of any wrong doing.
3. Carbon Copy or CC your spouse when sending an email to a friend that is of the opposite gender. My husband and I seriously do this and I think it helps a lot. We had one friend that wouldn’t reply-all so we told them about our rule and then that friend gladly obliged. It holds each spouse accountable.
4. No magazines or movies that are highly sexual in nature. There is no exception to this rule. I don’t know one woman that feels great when their husbands view other women. It makes wives feel like poop even though that is not their intention when they are engaging in that behavior. Women we need to be careful too!
5. No rules about Hollywood actor exceptions. There are couples that will allow their spouse to be with one actor or actress if they ever meet them. Maybe I am being extreme here, but I don’t think joking about it is funny. I think it opens the door to thinking that maybe this behavior might be permitted. I would rather my husband to always want me no matter who they met. That’s just me.
All these actions build trust in a marriage. I like knowing that we can hold each other accountable and not be jealous. Women love feeling secure and there is something to feeling secure when you know you can trust your husband. It is also great when they can trust their wife. A marriage is stronger when trust is built.
Do you have any safeguards in place? Do you feel like you can trust your spouse?
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Those are great ideas Amanda. A few years ago, an old guy friend of mine and I got back in touch with each other. He was struggling with the end of a relationship and was emailing me about it. I didn’t really think anything of it because from my end, it was just a friend being there for a friend, but it really bothered my husband. So, I make it a point to NOT email (my usual form of communication) anyone of the opposite gender unless my husband knows and knows full content of the conversation. I love your idea of no magazines or movies high in sexual content… I think that should be standard anyway for two reasons: 1. men are highly visual and I wouldn’t want my hubby turned on by someone else and then “taking it out” on me. and 2. women are highly emotional and we get this idea of what “it” should be like and can get disappointed if it isn’t like the movies – everything is highly romanticized and inaccurate!
As for the movie stars… we don’t have a rule on that one, but I do have my hollywood crush… but I’d NEVER even think of doing anything about it! LOL
I think that’s a good idea. My husband likes to PRETEND he’s not the jealous type, but as soon as I mention something involving a man he doesn’t know I see it in his eyes! Thanks for the tips – we already use some of them.
I found your blog through another blog however I’m not sure which one now. lol.
I just wanted to say I admire your boldness for creating such a post. I think it is wonderful advice and my husband and I already implement many of these things now.
Knowing how men are tempted, my husband insisted on having blocks put on his computer so that he wouldn’t ever be tempted (it has never been a problem in the past, but he didn’t want there to ever be one), which I am really proud of him for.
We already implement the cc’ing of emails when it is someone of the opposite sex, business related or otherwise. At first I felt it was a little extreme but now I’m glad that we do. I’ve always completely trusted him and never had to worry. It’s so easy for things to start innocently via an email and lead to more. I’ve heard horror stories from friends first hand regarding this issue.
We have xxxchurch.com on our computers. I love that site. It helps keep everyone accountable in your family and your husband can set up an accountability partner with another friend (as well as you).
Great post, Amanda. I think it’s a very real thing and very important to set boundaries in every area. Who cares if they seem extreme! Protecting your marriage is one of the most important things you will ever do! Kuddos!
Amanda, I admire your frankness in this post. Thanks for being honest in sharing the ways you guys are guarding your hearts, minds, and bodies in your marriage.
One of the books I read a couple of years into our marriage was Every Woman’s Battle (and later, Every Man’s Battle to get his perspective). I think that really helped me recognize the warning signs of line-crossing, both in men and women. Insightful, helpful stuff.
A great book that my husband and I read when we were doing pre-marital counseling with our pastor was “His Needs, Her Needs: Building an Affair Proof Marriage.” It has provided us with some great guidance in understanding each other’s viewpoints.
We take things from an “offensive” perspective in our marriage (building a strong, happy and solid partnership), rather than a “defensive” one (keeping the spouse from cheating). For us, the key to playing offense is creating a foundation of trust and communication with each other. So if I have lunch with a male co-worker, I do tell my husband about it, but because I’m telling him about my day, not because I’m making sure he thinks I’m not cheating.
Every marriage is different, and I think the bottom line is that you and your spouse work together to do what works for your marriage. This was a great post, Amanda! Thanks for getting the conversations going!
I never thought of #3. Thanks for all these tips.