It is Inevitable – You Are Going to Be Like Your Parents
Jenn from Life on a Whim suggested that we write an article on “How to avoid being like our Mothers.” As I thought about the topic I realized that we can’t avoid it. We will be like our parents in some small way whether we like it or not. You can read Jenn’s thoughts in her post, “Help! I am Becoming My Mother” here. Below are my thoughts on the subject.
Every person has good and bad traits. McKenna’s post last week talked about how our kids copy what we do. The same holds true for us! Even as adults we pick up on the habits of our parents and copy them. I used to hate it when my husband would say to me, “You just sounded like your mother.” My perception of my mother is not always flattering, so I would take offense to that remark. Now I have to come realize it is inevitable – I am going to be like my mom. But it is up to me which traits I choose to emulate.
It is important to recognize the bad behaviors in your parents and sincerely ask yourself and your spouse if you are acting the same way. For instance, how do they handle conflict? Do they yell and scream or play the cold war? Is your mom a nag? Is your mom selfish and self-seeking? For example, my mother is a screamer and yeller when she gets angry. I have had to work through my anger reactions to not replicate what she does. Also, when I am on the phone with her she doesn’t really take an interest in my life and what is going on with me. Sometimes I do try to bring up something that I think she would understand and somehow the conversation immediately goes back to her. So I have learned that I need to take a genuine interest in others and don’t talk about myself all the time. Sometimes we don’t think about our parents’ bad traits, but I believe that if we stop and recognize them then we have a chance at not duplicating them in our lives.
The good traits that we happen to copy from our parents can be a good thing. There are some moms that we can even aspire to be like. I don’t try to be like my parents, but it still happens. My mom enjoys sending gifts and little notes. I often find myself giving little gifts and mailing notes to my friends. My father likes to experiment with recipes. Many times I will just wing it when making dinner and figure it out. Daniel usually asks me, “What did you do it this time?” It is almost impossible to avoid being like our parents in some way. Hopefully, we will be like our parents good traits, instead of the bad ones.
How are you like your mother? Are there any traits in your parents that you have had to ensure that you don’t copy? Has anyone ever told you that you like your mother? How does that make you feel?
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I find myself saying the same things that my parents said to me. I hated hearing those things then and it almost amuses me to say them now. A little mommy entertainment of herself isn’t so bad.
That is such a lie…I live my life completely opposite to my mom’s. She was never a good role model and was very irrational…so I practice control and rationality so when I eventually do have my own kids, i won’t seem like a slave driver, maybe a “mean dad” for the most, but I dont want to be seen as the hardcore enemy.
Amanda, did me and you have the same mom?? What you described is the exact problems I have with my mom!!
But yeah I often find myself trying to not practice some of her bad traits, and out of the blue someone like my husband or aunt will say “you are such your mother”. And like you I take offense right away. I like to think we are very different but have been told other wise. I could go on and on but this would end up a therapy session just for me.
But a trait that I picked up from my mom that has been both a blessing and a heartache from my life is her independence. She was a single mom most of my life so I learned right away how to be responsible and do things for myself. Whether it be buy a car, budget a check book or run a household. Which has been a GREAT benefit since my husband is in the Army and I am the only parent in the house from time to time. But it has also caused a lot of heartache in my marriage when trying to deal with a husband who is also trying to lead our family. I can say it has defiantly been a learning process and after 8 long years I think we finally have our boundaries set.
I plead the fifth…my mom may read this! LOL!
I’ve picked up a lot of little things from my mom (some good, some not-so-good), but the main one I have to avoid is nagging. Not just the kid, but the hubby as well. I see my mom do this to my dad and it gives me some pain, but my dad is a really patient man. I kinda wish she would lay off sometimes. Then I catch myself doing the same thing and think, wow, I need to watch out for this.
Another funny thing we have in common is our love languages are exactly the same. We’re both Acts of Service & Quality Time.
wow is this a loaded issue! i think we all struggle with this. but as i’m reading, i thinking how awful it would be if my son resented traits he picked up from us. yet i feel entitled to those feelings about my own parents. in my husband’s and my cases, we’ve made conscious decisions to do some things differently, and have very clearly drawn lines that we won’t cross. and it’s work, but i’m resolute not to repeat some things.
sharon – funny you mention love languages. i’ve heard so much about that book. i need to read it.
I’m with McKenna on this one. This is a conversation best left for face-to-face.
@ Sara – I totally had to stop this post from becoming a therapy session too.
@Sharon – I think I told my husband about the love languages thing too in this situation. If Gifts were my love language, I would feel very loved by my mom. But acts of service is my love language and the fact that my mom doesn’t want to travel four hours to come or help me with her granddaughter’s first birthday party hurts me. I just have to let it go and recognize the love she does show me. For the record, I mentioned that my mom has no clue what I do. I have mentioned The Mom Crowd to her, but she has never been by to see it. Maybe after this post goes off the front page, I will tell her about it again.
@Myra – You should definitely read the 5 Love Languages or at least know the concept. I actually haven’t read the entire book. It’s really helpful to know how you and the people around you feel loved.
Thanks Amanda for your post! There are some or maybe a lot of positives to being like my parents and sometimes, I need to be reminded of that (I guess Brad didn’t want to hear that).
Also, I want say, with my mother visiting for 6 weeks right now, I have heard from her some real positive feedback on how I handle things differently (for example, how I respect my husband or discipline my children). However, she still passes on some negative feedback now and then, but if she didn’t, she wouldn’t be my mom.
I think the whole point about love languages is spot on. My parents’ primary giving love language is Gifts and their receiving language is Words of Affirmation. They just wanted to be thanked for what they give us. (After hearing about “lack of appreciation” when I was younger, I figured this out!)
I have a great relationship with both of my parents as an adult, and I truly respect them both for what they went through as children and young parents. Both of my parents were raised by the parent of the opposite gender (my mom lived with her dad and my dad was raised by his mom), and I constantly have to remember that my mom has never had a mom and my dad lost his dad as a little boy…and yet they have done an amazing job as parents.
Everyone makes mistakes, but God picked out the right parents for each of us, just like He picked us out for our kids.