How To Get Your Preschoolers To Pick Up Their Toys
I thought I’d share with you something I’ve been trying at my house. I don’t know about your kids, but MY kids do not enjoy “clean up time”. I can’t even tell you how many times I’ve bugged them to tears and tantrums about cleaning up. I don’t like cleaning up my stuff all the time (ask my husband) but leaving toys strewn all through the house is not really an option for me. I hate stepping on toys and kicking them around while I am holding the toddler and can’t see where my feet are stepping. And most of all I abhor cleaning up THEIR mess at the end of the day. I am not their maid, I’m their mom. Part of my job as their mother is to teach them how to be responsible for their own things–not clean up after them day in and day out. Let’s face it, with 3 kids home for most or all of the day, I have enough on my plate already with keeping food in the house, making sure laundry is clean and put away, paying bills, and actually making meals. Not to mention all the other “household engineering duties” that fall on our plates as moms.
The last thing I want to all day long is pick up their toys.
I wrote a while ago about Love and Logic and how I have enjoyed trying out those parenting techniques with my kids. I decided that some Love and Logic was needed so I could teach the kids responsibility for their things AND to keep my own sanity. I knew that the more I nagged my kids about cleaning up, the MORE they got angry at me and me with them. The cycle wasn’t working and it was time for change.
So using some of the strategies from Love and Logic I told them the following: “Okay boys, we need something different around here for cleaning up toys. It isn’t Mommy’s job to clean up your toys all the time and I really don’t like arguing with you about it. Do you like it when Mommy bugs you to clean up your messes?” ”NO!”, they say. “Okay great! I’m glad we agree about that. Here is the new deal–you can get out whatever you want during the day. How does that sound?” ”Great!”, they respond. ”Awesome! This is important–so make sure you listen to this–you have until dinner is ready to clean up your toys. Whatever is left on the floor when dinner is ready goes in trash bags. So, if you want to clean up during the day as you go you can choose to do that OR if you want to wait until Mommy starts cooking dinner you can do that too. You can choose not to clean up your toys at all if you want–but you won’t get them back very easily. I’m fine with whatever you want to do. How does that sound?” Their response, “Okay.”
I think they were so relieved to hear that I wouldn’t harass them about cleaning up and that there wouldn’t be any arguing about it that getting toys taken away didn’t really sink in. Until the next day. Over the next week I think I stockpiled about 3-4 trash bags plus another pile of toys that they never got around to cleaning up. Were they happy about it? No way! Did they throw a fit about their toys getting taken? You bet! Did I give up? No way! The key was to keep my calm and to really be fine with when they wanted to pick up their toys. I put the ball in their court and let the consequences do the talking. I chose not to lecture them and remind them to clean up or what would happen if they didn’t. I do tell them that I am about to start working on dinner–but I never give a reminder “so you might want to start cleaning up”. When they did leave toys out and I had to get out the trash bags, I would tell them what a bummer it was to have to put their toys away. At first they tried to get mad at ME and blame it on me. ”Nice try”, I say. ”You chose how to spend your time and this is the consequence for your choice.”
At first, I thought that they wouldn’t have any toys left by the time we were ready to pack up and go to England but in the last 5 days I haven’t had to pick up any toys left out. They do it on their own. Sure, they usually wait until I start cooking dinner to clean up but I don’t care! They get the job done. Sometimes we are going to be gone from the house for the afternoon and if I made dinner in the crockpot they don’t have time to pick up. Now that we have this system going and they know I mean business, we just suggest that they might want to clean up real quick before coming to dinner. And would you believe it, there isn’t much of a hassle about it! Or if someone is coming over and we need to tidy up before they get there, they are generally cheerful about picking up.
My boys are 4.5 and 5.5. I wish I would have started this on them when they were 3! Or maybe even 2. Although, with a 2 year old it would need to be modified since a 2 year old doesn’t have any concept of time. And they usually need more help. But preschoolers can learn and learn quickly. Have you ever seen kids at preschool clean up toys so fast during clean up time and then wonder why your kids don’t do that at home? I’m already strategizing about how to work with the 19 month old and cleaning up his toys.
You might be wondering how they get their toys back. Well, some have gone away forever. Others are earned back by doing special jobs around the house. I don’t tell them ahead of time that they can get a toy back if they do a job. Usually I’ll just ask them if they can help out and if I get a yes I’ll tell them they can go pick out one toy from the trash bags. In fact, just this afternoon, my 5 year old helped by taking clothes out of the dryer and he went and got his newest transformer out of time out. He was thrilled.
What strategies do I use?
- I don’t demand they pick up their toys NOW! I let them choose the time. They have control over when they pick up.
- I speak calmly.
- I show empathy when they make bad choices and lose their toys that were left on the floor.
- I don’t lecture them about it.
- I let the consequences do the talking.
I’m still learning about teaching my kids about responsibility through their choices and doing it in a loving way. I figure that I’m not the only mom who feels like she might pull out her hair if she has to pick up toys day in and day out. I hope that this helps someone out there!
What do you do to get your kids to clean up? What works for you? Would you try this at your house? Why or why not?
*photo courtesy of Swedishcarina*
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I have been waiting for a post addressing this issue! More often than not, clean up time at our house is an absolute nightmare with much crying and tantrum throwing. I am definitely going to try this! Thanks for the advice!
i’m so tired of being the mean parent! thank you for this idea! i’m going to try it with my girls and see if it works for us.
I will bookmark this post and refer to it often. SO helpful!!
This is a great post, thank you!!! I am in a bad mood when there are toys all around and this is a great way for the kids to learn responsibility.
Amelia, we just started doing this with my (almost) five year old, with the same consequences. We’ve been doing it right before bed though, and I think your idea of doing it before dinnertime is better
I’m less cranky, he’s not as tired, and it would get done before daddy gets home (BIG plus!).
This is starting to become an issue in our home. I will have to try out this strategy!
Another strategy I used as a teacher but haven’t applied at home is to sing a song. Together we sing and clean and by the end of the song all the toys are to be put away. Maybe a familiar song on CD would also work.
Great article!
These are great suggestions. When our son started at a montessori school we held the same rules at home: toys or projects need to be put away where they belong when you’re done, before something else could be played with. Now, he’s great at it & we rarely have to remind him. But if we do we simply say, “hm, looks like we need to do something here before we get that out” and he doesn’t hesitate.
Our little girl is a different story. She’s famous for just dropping things where ever she is when she’s done with it and leaving it there. We’re going back to a rule we had with my son at this age which is that if toys are left out after play time is over, they get picked up by mom or dad and not returned for a day. I’m not sure this will upset her enough with most of her toys but I can guarantee that one day without Tinkerbell or her favorite dolly should do it!
Consistency is the most important thing. Gotta stick with something once you start!
We started a chore chart with Ben when he was just 2. He helps us “put the house to bed” every evening be doing a couple of chores- feeding the dog and picking up his toys. By doing these chores, he gets stickers for the chart. And if he fills the chart, he receives a reward. When he was little, he worked towards new Hot Wheels. Now that he’s bigger, he gets chore money.
I think the trick for us was starting early and being consistent all these years.
Hmmm, I had a discussion with hubby about this strategy today and we’re going to give it a shot. I really hope it starts to work. I’m strangely nervous. I feel like Lucy is rapidly growing more savvy and more stubborn about rules in general. We have a lot of battles lately, it seems. I also like Gina’s suggestion about the one day away rule. I will try both ways to see what works for Lucy.
You’ll have to tell us how it works, Dawn!
We just had another trash bag filled today, sadly. They had been doing so awesome with picking up. Oh well! They are still learning!
Well, it’s a little confusing. We filled 2 bags last night. Lucy doesn’t seem to think it’s a big deal. She asked if more toys were going in a bag tonight, and said that’s what she wanted. I don’t think she gets it, though I’ve tried to explain it about 50 times. When will this start to work?
She’ll start caring when she runs out of things to play with. She’ll get it. Don’t worry. Mine have said that they want their toys put away in a bag too–so THEY don’t have to clean them!
Really though, she’ll get it once she realizes that they are gone. Actions speak much louder than words!
There was a little fussiness tonight about the third bag-full. She started to put away a book here or a toy there. But then she sat down and just refused to put more away. We don’t really have that many toys for the kids, so things are fixin’ to get pretty boring for them in the near future.
[...] couple of weeks ago, Amelia posted a method for how to get our preschoolers to pick up their toys. It was a battle we ‘ve waging in our home, so the timing was right for us to try [...]
[...] Having a designated area for the toys has kept my regular living room more clean and a retreat for me at the end of the day. Now I just need to teach my 2 year old how to pick her toys up every night. If she doesn’t fully understand how to clean up by the time she is a preschooler, then I am going to try Amelia’s tips on How to Teach Your Preschooler to Pick Up Their Toys. [...]
I’ve kept these suggestions in my mind for the past couple weeks because I’ve really been in need of a good solution. Clean up time is always like pulling teeth and in the past has ended up with everyone throwing tantrums. So the other day, I decided to try one of your “tricks”. I told them I was going to set the timer for 10 minutes and see if they could get the whole playroom clean before it beeped, and if they did I’d give them a treat. The idea thrilled them. And they finished in 5! I figured surely the novelty would wear off, and I knew I wouldn’t be able to offer a treat every time they cleaned up. After all, they live here. They are supposed to clean up their messes. However, every time I ask them to clean up now, they ASK me to set the timer (my kids are 3 and 5) and they get so excited about it! Even when there’s nothing in return. I never would’ve guessed that something so simple would make such a big difference. Thanks for the help!
Thank you! I knew there had to be a better way to get my 3 & 5 year old to pick up their mess. It has been a long battle with them and after one last blow-up tonight I thought enough is enough. I searched the internet and found this post. I am going to give this a try. Because it doesn’t seem like anything else is and the “rules” of the past are fading. I love the ability to just walk away, it is their responsibility not mine. Thank you thank you! Hopefully sanity will somewhat reign!