How I Survived Post-Partum Loneliness (not depression)
Three weeks after my son Eli was born (via c-section), our family moved from Virginia to Alabama. Our daughter Lucy was 18 months old at that time. My husband got a new and better youth pastor job, which is why we transplanted ourselves. (We got the job about a month before Eli was born, so we basically waited till after the birth to make the big change.) We were excited and thankful for this, but boy, was it interesting. While we were preparing for Eli’s birth, we were also tying up loose ends, packing everything up, and saying goodbye to good friends.
After all the “new arrival” hoopla faded away here, I suddenly found myself in my new living room, stuck on the couch, nursing my new infant son while helping my toddler get acclimated to her new surroundings. I was alone. I was hormonal. And I was lonesome. No family or friends for hundreds of miles.
I’m a big people-person, so I knew I needed to find community immediately. We were already in a great church (by default!), so I started there. I joined a Friday morning ladies’ Bible study that provided child care. That was twice a month. (Two mornings down, 28 other mornings-per-month to go, I thought.) I attended church every week with my family, and I taught the middle school girls’ class on Wednesday nights. I felt I was doing everything I knew to do to make friends. But it wasn’t happening quickly enough for me. Plus, I really was trapped in the house with my tiny boy! It wasn’t so easy to take both babies out for activities in those first few months. I was pretty much down to asking people to come over and hang out with me and the kids. Some people did (and I am so grateful!), but it felt funny asking brand-new acquaintances to come over, you know? (“Hi, I’m Dawn. Can you come over tomorrow?” – yeah, a little weird.)
I emailed my good friend Laurie back in Virginia and asked for prayer. She encouraged me but gently reminded me that for some people, finding that they “fit in” to a new place takes sometimes up to a year! Yikes. I was only in month two. I was desperate for cameraderie – good friends – more than just a small-talk conversation with people I had just met. It was time to dig deeper. And I was in crisis mode.
I discovered a support ministry at my church that I decided to take advantage of. It’s called Stephen Ministry. Basically, I was matched with a “mentor” who would meet with me as often as I wanted and would just listen and support me through my season of hardship. So for six months, I met once a week with a woman 25 years older than me, and wow, did it help. Not only did we become friends, I had a standing weekly appointment in my calendar to look forward to. (When you have NOTHING in the datebook, that really means something!) My time with my Stephen minister completely encouraged me and helped me through my tough, lonely season.
Gradually, my acquaintances became friends. I found a few other moms who were free on Thursday mornings and started a playgroup. Wow! Another thing to look forward to each week! We rotate whose house we meet at each time, so once a month, I host my friends and their kids for a simple time of play while we moms try to talk. 
The moms and I have started going out for girls’ nights every few months or so for dinner & a movie, too (while dads stay with the kids). So much fun!
And throughout all of this, my Eli turned from an infant into a crawling tyke, while my Lucy turned straight-up preschooler (once a week, anyway). I am becoming more acclimated to my new hometown, more a “part of” things, and less lonely. Sometimes I may have seemed desperate to folks, but that’s because I was. I got tired of waiting on things to happen and realized I needed to make them happen myself. I lost the sense of embarrassment in openly asking people to be my friend. And it was worth it.
There’s no getting around it: moms who are new in town need friendships in order to make it. If you have lived in the same place for awhile, be sure to take notice of the new folks in town, and reach out to them. If you are in the same boat that I was, give me a call! don’t be afraid to tell people what you need. Here are other things I’ve done or that have been suggested to me; things that are fairly obvious but may be something you need to read today:
* Invite people over to your home for coffee, lemonade, cookies, muffins, what-have-you.
* Find other available moms and make your own playgroup!
* Attend activities at your house of worship.
* Find out if there is a local Mom’s Club to join. I have seen their activities calendars and they are packed!
* Take a class at the YMCA, or join Stroller Strides.
* Hang out with your neighbors.
* Let the kids play with the stuff at Barnes & Noble Jr. I can’t believe how many other families hang out there on Friday nights. My husband even made a new friend in another dad there!
* Initiate conversation with other moms at the park or mall play area.
* Bring the kids to story time at the library. It’s free and it’s air-conditioned!
* Check in with The Mom Crowd (and other mom forums) every day for encouragement. (cough*shameless plug*cough)
What about you? If you’ve recently moved, how did you survive the initial transition phase? Which of these things have you tried and enjoyed? What else can go on the list? What experiences can you share with us? (Also, I know some of our TMC readers are internationally-based. How do you cope with this?)
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We have moved 2X in the past 3 years (the most recent move being 10 months ago).
Those are great tips! When we moved from San Antonio to Dallas in 2005 it was both exciting and sad at the same time. We were leaving very good friends and going back to our home town and knew that we would be plugging into a new community. I found some GREAT friends in our neighborhood. They are my closest friends in Dallas and I don’t think I would have survived our time in Dallas without those good friends. I joined the social committee in our subdivision and found that planning events for our little ‘hood was a great way to meet the neighbors. Going for walks and initiating conversations with other moms was how I met some other mammas. Husband was traveling almost every other week so I needed some community because life with two kids was a challenge.
When we moved from Dallas to Pittsburgh 10 months ago we moved so husband could go to grad school. This time we were moving 1200 miles away from our families and we were expecting a new baby! Thankfully that meant NO MORE TRAVELING–woo hoo! And life has been much slower paced. We moved to a small urban town outside of Pittsburgh and we live a few blocks from husband’s school. Most people in the school live within a couple miles from the school and we are neighbors with 4 other families who also attend. Instant community! There are lots of other stay at home moms and we have a play group every week too. We meet up at the family resource center at the school and let the kids run wildly while we sit and chat. We live in a “front porch” neighborhood so it is pretty inviting to play in the front yard while kids run around together and ride bikes. Parents will gather on porches and hang out together while kids play. I wish that all neighborhoods were like that!
We also started a small group 2X a month with 2 other families to go a little deeper and hopefully build some long lasting friendships. Everyone in our (school) community is only here for a short time but everyone values the idea of community so it seems like someone is always planning a get together. We have been invited to several people’s homes or invited others to our house for dinners.
You are totally right, Dawn. Sometimes you gotta take the bull by the horns and take some major initiative! It is hard when you have those little babies and are stuck on the couch all day but I did what you did and invited some people over on occasion and basically tried to participate in whatever activities I could that were going on around the school. That meant that I had to sacrifice some of my controling tendencies as far as napping and sleep scheduling goes but it made the long, dreary winter much easier to cope with when I had something to look forward to every week! I am soooooooo with you!!!!
I didn’t know Barnes and Noble has a thing on Friday nights–We’ll have to check that out. We have family fun night on Friday nights a few times a month and that might be something fun to go do! I could probably write more but I’ll stop there!
haha! You used the picture of me and my wife at Barns and Noble!! (jr) that is awesome!
I meet with a mentor twice a month and I love it. She has really helped and encouraged me as I have transitioned from career woman to home economist and motherhood. I didn’t move cities, but staying home is a transition in itself. I remember in the beginning planning a large play date. It worked once, but we never met again. I also made plans with every stay-at-home-mom that I could think of. Some folks I hit it off with and others I didn’t. I don’t have the need to get out as much now, but I still appreciate it when I do get with other moms.
Amelia mentioned joining the social committee in the neighborhood. I have contacted someone and I am trying to join. I really want to meet other moms in my neighborhood that I can walk to.
Thanks for sharing you story, Dawn. I think we all get lonely at times and we need to be encouraged to just jump out there and make friends.
As a military wife and mother we move often. The one thing I have found that has helped me keep my sanity is getting involved right away. With our last move to New York my main focus was to find a church right away and meet other moms. We got lucky and our post chapel has an excellent womans group and children’s program so I have been able to meet a lot of my friends there. I googled message boards for my area and joined a few. I have met a few wives from them in person. Meeting wives from on line sites has been a challenge for me. It really is a hit or miss kind of thing. Sometimes when you meet someone they are not what you expected. So I have learned to be a little more selective with meeting people in person.
When you move from one place to another it’s hard, especially when you know nobody and you are 1200 miles away from home. I don’t think it ever gets any easier. I feel like I am in grade school trying to fit into a new school. It’s always hard being the new kid even if you are an adult.
Those ideas you gave are great Dawn. Thanks for the encouragement. I at least don’t feel like the only one who feels awkward meeting new people.
Came across this post via BlogHer. Thanks for giving such concrete advice on how to deal with this. I went through PPD and postpartum loneliness after the birth of my son in January, and I’ve been in the same house for five-plus years. You’re absolutely right that you have to try to make things happen. Good luck to you, and glad things are now going so well.
Being a military family, I have to deal with this every time we move. The first thing my husband and I seek out after relocating is a church. Within a church, we look for a small group. I always meet the other military spouses within my husband’s area of work as well. There’s always a special or I should rather say different connection with military wives. Meeting moms in your neighborhood is a great suggestion.
Within the last year, I’ve became friends with several moms in my neighborhood. There’s been great conversations held in my front yard.
I have a newborn three months old. Shortly after delivery i was diagnosed with heart failure.
I have recently seperated from my mate( he’s a cheater) and find myself feeling lonily and abandoned. I cant tell my family and friends but my heart is broken. I dont like leaving the house and I have to make myself attend appointments. Not feeling well and not getting adequate rest has taken its toll on me. My spirits are at an all time low. I also have a teenager that I am solely responsible for and cant seem to stop myself from crying.