The Mom Crowd

Sometimes people talk just to talk. I’m one of those people. If I don’t know what to say, I usually say the wrong thing and make myself look like a complete buffoon in the process. Even when my intentions are completely pure, I sometimes say things to others that cause them more hurt and pain. When my daughter was about a year and a half old, my husband and I became pregnant with our second child. That pregnancy ended in a miscarriage and it was truly the hardest thing I have ever gone through. It was harder than finding out Darah had Down syndrome (which has it’s own list of things not to say) and her open heart surgery. I will share the details of my miscarriage with you on another day. For now, here’s some of the real life comments people told me in an attempt to ease my pain. While every comment was made with the best intentions, they didn’t help me and made me feel worse.

10. “I know what you’re feeling.”
Even if you’ve had a miscarriage, you really don’t know exactly how this person is feeling. Every person’s situation is different and everybody grieves in different ways.

9. “Take comfort that your baby is now an angel in Heaven. He or she got to skip the hardships of this world.”
When I had my miscarriage, I was so angry. I didn’t want my baby in “a better place.” I wanted him or her in my womb and I felt like my baby was taken from me.

8. “At least you have Darah. Some women can’t have any children.”
You’re right. However, I wanted this second child as much as I wanted my first. That baby was part of me for a short time and I was already in love.

7. “You can always try again.”
Every mother who has had a miscarriage knows they can try again. However, while a person is grieving a loss, they’re not always ready to look to the future. This is like telling a widow, “you can always remarry.” It doesn’t help.

6. “At least you were only in your first trimester.”
When someone told me this, it made me even more angry. I was gearing up to find out the sex and pick out bedding. I felt like they were saying my pregnancy wasn’t legitimate.

5. “Let me tell you all about the miscarriages my sister-in-law had and let me tell you about her beautiful, healthy child she has now.”
Miscarriages are incredibly common and everyone has either had one themselves or knows someone who has. When I was grieving my loss, I didn’t care about any losses anyone else had. Every story I heard made me compare my situation to theirs and because of major self-pity, my story was always worse!

4. “Maybe that baby had something wrong with him or her and it’s for the best.”
I had already had a child born with Down syndrome. When someone told me this, it exaggerated the fact that I already had a child with health issues and then made me think that they thought my daughter wasn’t worth life.

3. “Did you take any medications or do anything you shouldn’t have done?”
I already felt guilty because of my incredibly high stress levels and for drinking diet coke occasionally during my pregnancy. This magnified all of the guilt I was already carrying.

2. “Have you ever thought of adopting?”
I was so embarrassed after my miscarriage. I felt like everyone who knew me thought there was something wrong with me. When I found out I was pregnant with this child, I was so excited to have a “normal” pregnancy and experience what everyone around me experienced with their uneventful (in my opinion) pregnancies. I was robbed of that because of my miscarriage and the adoption option made me feel like I failed.

And the number one thing to not tell someone who just had a miscarriage……..

1. “I’M PREGNANT!!!!!!”
Even though I was incredibly happy for my friends around me who were pregnant at the time, I didn’t want to talk about their pregnancies with them right after my miscarriage. I wasn’t ready. If you are getting ready to announce your pregnancy, I think it’s a good idea to tell your friend in an email so they can react the way the want to without having to fake a smile. Don’t elaborate in the email about how you were afraid to tell them, just tell simply tell them you’re pregnant. Allow your friend to bring up the topic in conversation when she’s ready.

What you can say…
“I’m sorry.” “How can I help?” “I’m here for you.”

What were some unhelpful comments people told you when you were grieving the loss of an unborn child? What were some helpful things people said or did while you were grieving?

I vented to my husband the other evening that I hadn’t gotten everything done in the day that I wanted to. He asked me, “How much do you need to accomplish in one day to feel like you have done something?” I had done a lot that day. I am just really hard on myself.

I am always making to-do lists, but I can’t seem to finish everything. I feel like I should be able to accomplish my goals, but maybe my to-do lists are too long. I discussed this issue with my friend Kristin. She empathized with me and said that she has been a stay-at-home-mom for six years and she still struggles with this. It was comforting to know that this is not just a new-mom thing.

Kristin also pointed out that if you add up all the minutes that you actually have in a day to get things done in between diaper changes, feedings, playing, laying down for naps, it is not really that much time.

So we don’t have many windows of time during the day to get the things done that we want. Like starting a load to wash, folding that clean basket of laundry that has been in your bedroom for days, calling your mom, painting your toes, cleaning out your email inbox, planning your meals, cleaning that poop stained onesie, writing that thank you card. All things that we need to get done.

David Allen’s popular book, ‘Getting Things Done’ explains specific methods to help us organize our lives. He talks about clearing our minds of all the “stuff” going through our heads. David says:

Here’s how I define “stuff:” anything you have allowed into your psychological or physical world that doesn’t belong where it is, but for which you haven’t yet determined the desired outcome and the next action step. [pg. 17]

Once our minds are clear of “stuff” we will be more productive and stress-free. I don’t know if a mom’s mind will ever be clear of stuff, no matter how much we organize and empty our thoughts. We are constantly worrying about our child’s well being. We are on call 24 hours a day and our task list never seems to end.

I do know that dumping my mind of all my to-do’s on to an actionable list at the beginning of my day does free up my mind some. I know I will remember what I want to later, because I wrote it down. But then that brings me back to the start. I make the list, but still don’t seem to get it all done. I think I need to realize I am not Superwoman.

Am I the only mom who feels this way? Have you read David Allen’s book “Getting Things Done”?

You may also be interested in reading:

Getting Started With GTD at 43folders.com

A Productivity Tip from The Millionaire Mommy Next Door

Getting Things Done at Amazon.com

GTD Cheatsheet at lifedev.net

What baby item can you not live without?

I wish I could tell you in a five step article what happens when you find out your baby has Down syndrome, but every situation and every person is so different that the best I can do is tell you my experience.

On the day of our sonogram to find out the sex of our very first child, my husband, the two first-time grandmas-to-be and I anxiously waited in the waiting room for my sonogram. We first had the obligatory weigh-in, blood pressure check, and “how have you been feeling” with the nurse. Then the doctor came in. She asked me how I was feeling and I explained to her my eagerness to find out the sex of our baby. She first wanted to share with me the results of my quad screen. I’ll never forget her words, “It looks like your baby has an elevated chance of having Down syndrome.” Everyone in the room was shocked, except for me. I knew how unreliable those screening tests were, besides I was only 21 years old! I kept reassuring my husband that those tests meant nothing. We went back to the waiting room, and I was still my upbeat perky self waiting for the sonogram tech to call us back. I wanted my mini-McKenna…I wanted a girl so badly!!

Finally, the sonogram! The technician was conducting the sonogram and measuring all kinds of things on the baby. I kept thinking to myself, “come on already, look between the legs!” The technician then told us she wanted the doctor to look at some things. The OB walked in, looked at the screen, and said, “I have to be honest. This concerns me” as she gently touched my leg. Not only did my quad screen point to the baby having Down syndrome, but there were many physical findings on the sonogram as well. Through a cloud of tears and emotion, we found out we were having a girl, but no longer was she going to be a mini-McKenna. She was going to be different than me. She wasn’t going to look like me. She wasn’t going to act like me. Along with my picture with the arrow pointing between her legs, I was given sonogram pictures with measurements of the back of her neck, her femur, her nasal bridge…all measurements that said my baby wasn’t going to be normal. We followed up with a series of level II sonograms. Although we never had the amnio which would have confirmed Down syndrome, the doctors were sure my baby had Down syndrome when they later found a heart defect that is almost exclusive to babies with Down syndrome. My husband and I held on to the small chance that she didn’t have Down syndrome, but tried to prepare for that possibility.

My 6 hour labor and delivery went off without a hitch. As soon as I saw her, I knew she had Down syndrome because I had studied every picture of a newborn with Down syndrome that I could find. Google and I became very close, almost too close, during the remainder of my pregnancy.

For a mother, it is the worst thing in the world to hear that something may be wrong with your baby. The guilt, the tears, and the “why me’s” flood every part of you. Then the compassion for your child takes over. The “why me’s” turns into “why her” and the tears become tears for your baby, but the guilt seems to remain. “What if I didn’t have that margarita before I knew I was pregnant.” “When anyone asked if I wanted a boy or a girl, I immediately said I wanted a girl-I should have said I didn’t care as long as the baby was healthy!” “I slept on my right side instead of my left.” “If only I would have eaten better and not gained those forty pounds.” “If only I would have remembered to take my prenatal vitamin every day.” “Everyone must think there’s something wrong with my husband and I.” “Does my husband think this is my fault?” “Is it his fault?”

My daughter has Down syndrome, but that is a very small part of who she is. My daughter is a very unique, original little girl with her own personality. She has the persistence of a mule (and of her mother), my blonde hair and my father’s hazel eyes. She has short stubby toes like my sister and mother and has very straight fine hair like my husband and his family. She loves music almost more than Barney and prefers chocolate milk over apple juice. She is the best big sister in the world, until her baby brother takes a toy that she wants.

Are there things I go through that other mothers don’t have to – yes. Are there things my daughter goes through that other little girls don’t have to go through – yes. Do I worry about my little girl- what mother doesn’t? But at the end of the day, I got more than a mini-McKenna and I wouldn’t change anything about my precious little girl – not even her extra 21st chromosome!  For an exciting update on Down syndrome in our family, click here!!

Thanks to everyone who answered our first “A Little Birdie Asked Me” segment. All of you had great answers.

Our first “A Little Birdie Asked Me” question was “What is your favorite thing about being a mom?” Several of you mentioned the smiles and hugs your little ones give you. I know that is my personal favorite thing about being a mom. Lyndsay couldn’t decide and said everything is her favorite. April listed her favorite thing about each of her three kids. Some favorites are momentary and change all the time like in Dawn’s response.

The joys of being a mom are truly immeasurable.