The Mom Crowd

I love the Suave commercial with the woman who instantly changes before our eyes as she goes through marriage and three pregnancies. After the first two pregnancies she has “let herself go” exhibited by her not dressing up to take out the trash and wearing a bunny suit. Then after washing her hair with Suave, she is instantly beautiful and pregnant with the third. I enjoy the art direction of the commercial, but the idea that a shampoo will make me look instantaneously gorgeous is a bit silly. Actually now that I think about it I do look a lot better after a shower.

The commercial claims “89% percent of moms admit to letting themselves go.” Really? That many? I find it hard to believe. What does “letting yourself go” mean anyway? I think it means that you don’t take pride in the way you look anymore when you once did. We have all seen the moms on Oprah, What Not to Wear, and every other make-over show showing moms that only wear sweats, won’t put anything on her face besides Chapstick, and her signature hair style is a ponytail. It makes for great t.v., but does that represent most moms?

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As moms we all feel discouraged at one time or another for not living up to expectations that we have of ourselves. I mentioned in my “Judging Other Mothers” post that we should encourage each other as moms instead of judging each other.

Gary Chapman’s book, “The 5 Love Languages” suggests that people feel encouraged and loved through five different love languages: words of affirmation, acts of service, the giving of gifts, physical touch, and time spent. Think about a friend that you would like to encourage this week. Which do you think their love language would be? Try to do one act of encouragement this week for another friend. You will feel encouraged that you did something nice for a friend and they will be cheered up. They may be having a rough day and your little note or act of kindness could make all the difference.

Here are 30 ways that you can encourage a friend:

1. Pick up the phone and see how they are doing.

2. Mail them an encouraging note. It doesn’t have to be long.

3. Buy a small gift like a candy bar or a tube of lip gloss and leave it on their door with a note.

4. Meet up for coffee after all the kids are in bed and dad is home.

5. Give a hug.

6. Say the words, “You are a great mom!” to a friend.

7. Make a mix cd of your favorite songs for your friend.

8. Make her a gift set of personalized blank note cards that they can use later.

9. Listen to what they are going through. Just listen and don’t solve the problem, unless they ask for suggestion.

10. Mail her a $5 gift card to Blockbuster, so she can treat herself to a nice movie after the kids are in bed.

11. Meet up at a kid-friendly restaurant with your kids.

12. Compliment her cooking skills.

13. Meet at the park and bring her lunch.

14. Say the words, “Have you lost more weight? Those jeans look fabulous on you!”

15. When you go to the grocery store call them and ask if they need anything.

16. Go over to their house and while they watch the kids, do their dishes or vacuum.

17. Babysit their child(ren) for an hour, while they take a long bubble bath or take a nap.

18. Go for a walk together.

19. Help them organize that closet that they have not gotten to yet.

20. Send them a funny Hallmark e-card. (Hoops and Yo-Yo are always funny.)

21. While the dads stay home and babysit meet up with other moms on a Saturday night.

22. Go raid the clearance racks at expensive department stores together. (Macy’s usually has some good deals. My friend says that Nordstrom’s can have some good deals too.)

23. Send an email to old friend and say that you were thinking about them.

24. Just go over to their house and spend an afternoon together while playing with the kids at the same time.

25. Drop off a cute little bouquet of flowers. (Costco has amazing bouquets for fifteen bucks.)

26. Compliment what a great job she is doing raising her child(ren).

27. Help her plan her child’s birthday party.

28. Plan a two-family meal and eat together. One cooks the main dish and the other cooks the sides.

29. Print out photos that you have taken of them or their children and give them to her.

30. Write a nice comment on their blog.

My husband and I are having a hard time trying to decide how or if we are going to celebrate Valentine’s Day. We don’t usually make a big deal of the holiday. It really takes a lot of the pressure off of the both us if neither of us have particular expectations. Sometimes we will combine Valentine’s Day and my birthday and splurge on a romantic five-course dinner. This is our first year with our little one and it doesn’t look like a babysitter is going to happen. So we may go out to nice lunch with the baby or celebrate in a small way at home.

One of my favorite articles on Zenhabits.net is ‘50 Ways to Be Romantic on the Cheap.’ I am definitely a frugal gal so I appreciate some of the cheaper traditions of the holiday. Check out the article to get a few ideas for you and your loved one.

From the 50 here is my favorite 5:

14. Snuggle together while watching romantic movies .

17. Bring home good coffee or a decadent sweet.

30. Write a love letter.

33. Groom yourself, and try to look good for your partner.

50. Play Sade. Do what comes naturally. Slowly.

Happy Valentine’s Day!!

I mentioned a few weeks ago here that I won third prize in AWildRide.net‘s writing contest. They have published my essay titled, ‘What to Expect When Your Mother’s Parenting is Not What You Expected’ on their site. Check it out here!

Thanks!
Amanda

I often hear other parents say, “They just grow up so fast!” I believe that statement is true from how quickly these nine months have passed for me. Before we know it our kids will be out of the house in college and even married with their own children. It’s hard to think about! When our kids are being cute and adorable we want them to stay little forever. Of course, when we are struggling with potty training and feeding times we can’t wait for them to grow up and potty and eat by themselves.

When our children learn to be independent adults and move out of the house we may be faced with Empty Nest Syndrome (ENS). Psychology Today describes Empty Nest Syndrome as “feelings of depression, sadness, and/or grief experienced by parents and caregivers after children come of age and leave their childhood homes.” According to Ruth Rusk at EmptyNestMoms.com the feelings of sadness can begin when our children are self-sufficient teenagers, because we miss the children they once were when they were younger.

My sister was the last one to leave my parents home four years ago and my mom is still dealing with the affects of ENS. It is hard to see my mom sad. I live four hours away and do what I can to help. All I know is that I need to be prepared before my children leave, so I can deal with the sadness and grief in a healthy manner. I know all the preparations I do now may not completely help me, but the sting will be less.

It’s hard to think about our children growing up and having lives of their own. It’s even hard to think about being that old! But it is going to happen and we need to be ready.

Here are five things that we can do that will help us be well-rounded adults now and have fulfilling lives when our children are grown.

• Keep up with your friends.

Now that I am a mom it is really easy to get distracted with daily living. We have to make an effort to keep up with our friends, especially friends that don’t have kids or are single. One of my single friends comes over every Wednesday to watch Project Runway with me. It’s perfect because my baby is asleep and we can relax and have a good time. We need to take extra care not to get so wrapped up in our children that we don’t alienate any of our friends. I have seen friendships end because one of the couples would only talk about their baby. When we hang out with our friends we shouldn’t be all baby all the time. When your children leave you will still have friends, because you made the effort to stay in contact.

• Continue your hobbies or find your special talent.

If you have a hobby don’t stop just because you have children. Sometimes it is hard to make it priority and time is a luxury, so do it when you can. Do it after they go to sleep or on the weekends during special daddy time. Whatever your favorite pastime is do it! Personally I am a Social Scrapbooker. I only scrapbook when I am with other people, but I enjoy it! Make time to read, make cards, play music, sew, take photos, write creatively, make crafts, or travel with your little one. You don’t have to pause what you love just because you have kids. You can even teach them your passion or make a kid version of your hobby. Your favorite pastime can enhance your life now and later when you have the house back.

• Get dressed and put on your make-up.

Maybe I have watched too many ‘What Not to Wear’ shows, but I have learned that just because I am a stay at home mom I don’t have to dress like one. I heard too many times on that show how an extra few minutes to think about what I wear that day and putting on a little make-up would make me feel infinitely better. I know when I am having a crappy day I dress up to feel more confident in myself. When your kids are gone you won’t have to search for your identity through your clothing if you have kept yourself up the entire time your kids were home.

• Go on dates with your spouse and don’t talk about the kids.

We need to preserve our relationships with our husbands because when the kids are gone we will be alone with them once again. It is going to be much easier to transition to an empty nest with your best friend and partner by your side. We can preserve our relationship by going out and not talking about the children. You don’t have to have a specific night of the week. We go out when we feel like we need it. We just let each other know when one of us wants to go out and we schedule it. As women we wear many hats at one time. Take time to take off all others and only wear the Wife Hat once in a while.

• Prepare yourself mentally for life after the kids leave home.

We can’t live in denial that our children aren’t going to grow up. As parents we want the best for our kids and I think the best we could wish for them is to grow up to have happy adult lives. We need to be prepared to let our children grow up and respect their decisions. There will still be times when we need to speak our concern, but over small matters we need to be prepared to let them live their lives. We can pray for our childrens’ future now. One of my friend’s daughters is doing awesome in college and has even found her perfect future husband. I asked her for some wisdom and she told me it was all because of prayer. I know her to be a praying woman and she certainly motivated me to pray for my daughter’s future now. Living in the reality that one day our babies won’t always be home with us and being ready for the day they leave home may not take all the sadness of that day away, but hopefully it will make the grieving process a little shorter.

Do you have a favorite hobby? Do you and your spouse take time out for each other? Have you thought about the time when your children won’t be living with you anymore?