The Mom Crowd

McKenna and I had an opportunity to meet Liza Hunter-Galvan this weekend at our local 5K race. Liza is 36, a mother of four, and will be representing New Zealand in the 2008 Olympics in the marathon.

Liza was quick to point out her kids to us while we were chatting with her. During the 5K race I saw her complete the course and then run the course backwards to cheer on her daughters. You could tell that she is very proud of her kids. What we didn’t know when we spoke with Liza is that her daughter, Amber, gives her an incredible inspiration to run. Amber was severely injured when the family was involved in a car crash and she can not remember a lot of the past. According the news story Liza is hoping that the her participation in the 2008 Olympics will trigger Amber’s memories of her competing in the 2004 Olympics.

Here is the full news story about Liza and Amber:

Here is McKenna’s interview with Liza:

I recently watched a documentary called Raising Cain which is about some of the unique needs and issues that boys face today. It has some good insights in it-especially in understanding why boys seem to have more trouble in school than girls do. The documentary looks into the emotional needs of boys and how important the influence of men are in their lives.

My husband and I came up with this list together but he had most of the ideas. He has spent a lot of time thinking about how to raise 3 boys–all who have unique personalities and interests. I realize that some of you may not have a father in your sons’ lives but I hope this list helps you appreciate the men who are involved in your kids lives. Richard Rohr, author of Adam’s Return: The Five Promises of Male Initiation, after studying male initiation rites all over the world, says that all boys need men who are not their father to teach them what it means to be a man. So to all those men who are helping our sons become men–this is for you.

1. Play. When it is time for bath time at our house my two older sons ask every night, “do we have time for wrestling?” Every night. It is probably their favorite time of the day. During the day I let the boys climb on me but it just isn’t the same as rough housing with daddy or wrestling with their daddy. There is something fun for a boy when he gets to test his strength with daddy. Even though the boys know daddy is stronger, it gives them confidence when they can get a good wrestling move in on daddy. Jon uses that time for physical bonding and to teach them that they can get bonked around and have fun at the same time. I always hear squeals of laughter and delight and it makes my heart smile. You have probably noticed that men play much different than us moms do.

2. Modeling. Having different men involved in our sons’ lives models different examples of what it means to be a “man”. Having a variety of male influences in the lives of boys helps them to see that they can still be a man if they don’t like to play sports and prefer to read instead. My 4 year old loves being outside and trying out sports. He loves to run around and be active playing different outside games. My 3 year old will play along if we are doing a sports activity but his MO is books, stories, and imagination. Reading and playing imagination games really get him excited. Right now we just encourage play and trying lots of new things but I wonder if as they grow older my 4 year old will be more of a jock and my 3 year old will be more of an academic or creative person. There is a lot of pressure on young boys that they need to fulfill a certain criteria in order to be a man but they truth is that there is a huge spectrum of diversity in interests and talents. Which leads me to my next point….

3. Affirming emotions. “Boys/Men don’t cry” is probably one of the biggest lies that gets passed on to boys. Continuing to teach that to our boys is harmful but when a boy hears from a man that it is okay to have feelings (like sadness) and that it is okay to cry means much more to him than hearing it from his own mother. Jon has mentioned to me that it is a tough balance to teach boys how to both express those sadness feelings and also not be made fun of by peers. Boys learn how to express anger, sadness, and joy from watching other men. Tell the men in your sons lives to draw out their emotions and to affirm them.

4. Risk Taking. Us moms are the nurturers. We tend to tense up and shout out “Be Careful!” when our kids try something new–like climbing up the ladder for the first time at the playground. Our husbands and other men tend to hang back and tell the kids to go for it. Both are important. Kids definitely need nurturing but it goes against my nature to encourage a lot of risk taking. I appreciate that about my husband. I don’t want my sons to be wimps but I don’t think I would be able to teach them how to take a lot of physical or mental risks on my own.

5. Modeling Attitudes And Behaviors Toward Women. My husband is good about pointing out that they are to be respectful toward mommy. He is proactive in teaching the boys to honor women/girls and that they aren’t the “bad other”. It is a normal development when suddenly boys think girls are “yucky”. They start to realize that Barbie is for girls and girls like pink–and that stuff is “sooo yucky”. Sure, they learn it from social cues around them but when boys see other men treating women with respect they will learn it too. We don’t want our sons to think of women as weak or to patronize them but we do want our sons to be chivalrous and respectable young men.

I know that as my sons grow up it will be important for them to have other positive male influences in their lives. As they grow up I will encourage them to spend time with their grandpas, uncles, godparents, and family friends. We have often talked about having an all boys camping trip with some good friends of ours who have a son too (unfortunately we currently live across the country from them). I think creating opportunities for male bonding and influence will come more often as the boys grow older. Together we can shape these boys into the men we want to see them become.

This a guest post from my friend Myra who is the genius designer behind Moon and Back Studios. You can also find her blogging at WeMakeThree.com.

Some women work outside the home to keep their sanity. For others, it’s not a choice. Working outside the home is a financial necessity.

Whatever the reason you may be working, there is one thing I have learned: You can’t have it all. That’s right. It’s a myth. A well intentioned one perhaps, but it’s simply not possible to have it all. And I believe many women are nearly killing themselves trying.

In order for me to give my best to the two people I care about most, and balance that with having a demanding job as an executive, I’ve had to make concessions. Here are some things that I am learning to do:

1. Learn to say no. That’s right. You can do it. It was hard for me at first, but it’s a muscle I’ve learned to exercise. Sometimes it makes people unhappy. But my family is better for it.

2. Be happy where you are. Sometimes success and acquiring stuff can be a mirage. There’s always more to get. I’ve tried to learn to appreciate what I do have instead of comparing myself to others. Being thankful really takes the pressure off.

3. Separate your time. I have drawn a clear line between my work and family time. When I leave work, I call my husband for our ritual debriefing during my drive home. Then I try not to talk about it anymore.

4. Do one thing for yourself each day. When I get home, I usually take a half hour to run or walk so I can detox myself from the day. Then I’m ready to focus on family. I’m better for it.

5. Avoid the trappings of “mommy guilt”. Just do your best and focus on your kids when you’re with them. That’s what they’re going to remember.

Do you have tips for balancing career and family?

Daniel and I always thought that we would be parents that would get a babysitter and go out all the time. We weren’t going to let having a baby change our lifestyle. Thirteen months after having our little one arrived reality has set in. Good, trustworthy babysitters are hard to find and they are expensive. Sure, our family could babysit and I do ask when it is needed but I don’t want to ask all the time. So we have become creative with our date nights at home after our daughter goes to bed.

I believe date nights are incredibly important for healthy marriages. They build trust and encourage a break from the routine to just stop, relax, and enjoy one another. On the date you should not talk about the kids, work, or bills. Save those conversations for another time. Also, don’t think about the household chores that need to be done. If you are the type that can’t relax if there is a dish in the sink, then do all the dishes before your date and get take out that you can throw away. The point is to relax.

You need to schedule your date and guard that time. We generally have a date (at home) on a weekend night. Yes things come up, but we don’t go long without a date. Sometimes I tell Daniel “I need a date” and he knows what I mean. I crave that time together and I miss it when we haven’t had one in a while. Don’t be afraid to ask or put in on the family calendar.

Here are 30 date night ideas that you can do at home after the little ones are tucked into bed and SOUND ASLEEP.

1. Have dinner in the backyard, patio, or your front lawn.

2. Re-watch the first movie you watched together.

3. Don’t cook and get your favorite take out.

4. Have a theme night. You must dress, eat dinner, and watch a movie with the same theme. Think ‘Western’ and dress like a cowgirl, eat bar-b-que, and watch Tombstone. Think ‘French’ and put on a black and white top, make French onion soup, and watch Amelie. It could be anything!

5. Put a blanket down and picnic in front of the TV.

6. Make a special dessert to indulge in. Bake chocolate chip cookies and right when you get them out of the oven put vanilla ice cream and chocolate sauce on top. Even making brownies from a box can warm up any night.

7. Take a shower and get dressed up to go out, but stay in. One night I even put on my dress from my prom. I would never wear it out now, but I still love it and wore it on a night in.

8. Snuggle on the couch and watch a movie. I (heart) my Netflix queue!

9. Try to beat your all time record. (This was my husband’s suggestion for the list.)

10. Wear your old bikini that you would never wear in public again, because your stretch marks glisten too brightly in the sunlight! Ha. Your husband won’t care and will love you in it.

11. Break out the board games. Play it so that the loser has to do the dishes or even a fun strip version.

12. Wear your favorite lingerie under your normal clothes. Better yet wear none underneath.

13. Sit outside and read together.

14. Have a candlelit dinner in the dining room you rarely use.

15. Make a mix CD or playlist to enjoy throughout the evening.

16. Dance! Make room for our own private dance floor and have fun. Don’t worry, no one is watching you dance like Elaine Benes.

17. Write out an invitation card to your date requesting their presence at the VIP Lounge of your private nightclub.

18. Splurge on delicious cheeses and add fruit, crackers, and wine.

19. Make out during the DVD menu music.

20. Give each other a back rub.

21. Share your favorite dating memory with each other over dinner.

22. Set out candles around the room. (I know this is an old idea, but it is really nice to do once in a while.)

23. Dress as a character from a movie and you pick the character for each other (think Tom Cruise in Risky Business).

24. Work out together. Set up a circuit in the garage or in the back yard with a jump rope, dumbbells, push-up, and sit-up stations.

25. Cook together and try a new recipe for dinner or for a cocktail.

26. Go to bed early together.

27. Play video games together.

28. Watch a sports game and eat stadium food like nachos and hot dogs.

29. Set up a pair of chairs and stick your feet in the kiddie pool.

30. Make breakfast in bed for dinner and watch TV.

Do you have date nights at home? What do you do? Does it get harder to have a date night at home when the kids get older?

There are only five more days left until Father’s Day! It’s time to show the fathers and grandfathers to our children how much they are loved and appreciated! My favorite gifts for Mother’s Day are the personalized ones. I am a sucker for cards with poems about two tiny handprints! My husband really likes personalized gifts as well, although he also is a sucker for anything “Spurs” related. For Mother’s Day each year, my husband has the children create artwork for me. I have a collection of the sweetest paintings and cards the kids have made with their dad over the past four years. Here are some gift ideas for Dad!

Children’s Books about Dad

• My children always give their dad a children’s book about Dad so he can read it to them at bed-time. He really likes this tradition. Here are some children’s books about Dad: “Froggy’s Day with Dad” by Jonathan London, “Father’s Day” by Anne F. Rockwell, “My Dad!” by Charles Fuge, “The Day the Dog Dressed Like Dad” by Tom Amico. Head over to your local bookstore and you’re bound to find a whole section of children’s books about Dad ready for Father’s Day.

Personalized Photo Book

• You can make a personalized photo book on Shutterfly, Snapfish, and similar photo hosting sites. All you have to do is upload the pictures, arrange them on their templates, type in any special wording you would like and wait for the order to arrive. Don’t forget to hunt for coupon codes before pressing “Submit payment.” My friend did this for her husband and I thought it was a GREAT gift idea!

Day of Pampering

• Start his day off with a special breakfast, give him a massage (or a massage gift certificate!), rent one of those action movies he keeps wanting to see that you keep rolling your eyes at, remind your kids all day that Father’s Day is all about Daddy! You can also have the kids make him a homemade coupon book. The coupons can include washing the car, household chores, foot rubs, 30 minutes of uninterrupted time to watch sports, etc…

Photo Shoot

• Have professional pictures taken of your kids without telling him, or include yourself in the photo shoot. You can also give him a gift certificate for a “Daddy and kids” photo shoot or a whole family photo shoot. You can buy a cute frame for his desk at work or have the kids decorate a frame for him.

Guitar Hero

• What Dad doesn’t like Guitar Hero? Even dads who don’t typically “game” will enjoy this game! You will probably enjoy it as well! It’s my favorite past time these days.

What’s his “thing?”

• As mentioned above, my husband loves the Spurs. When I’m in a rut for finding a good gift for my husband, I can usually drive up to the Spurs gift shop and find at least one gift that is sure to please him. Other gift ideas include purchasing a Sports Illustrated cover of his favorite athlete and framing it for him, hiring a tennis instructor, increasing his hard drive space on his computer, or planning a fishing trip for him. Think about what your husband enjoys doing and you’re sure to have a few great gift idea for him!

What about your ideas? Do you know any other great gift ideas for Dad?