The Mom Crowd

Warm weather is nearly here (that is, some of us are in the throes of heat waves already, others are enjoying the sunny spring they’re accustomed to, and still more of you are sitting inside with snow in your yard, so work with me here!), and that means it’s time for a good beach read.  I love to curl up with Divine Secrets of the Ya-Ya Sisterhood  by Rebecca Wells. It’s not exactly on the “new arrivals” shelf at your local Barnes & Noble, but its mother-daughter relationship is worth discussing. I have read it about three times, and I always enjoy its rich storytelling, humor, poignance, and descriptions of old-time, down-home Louisiana living. Even as I type this post, I feel myself starting to think in the Southern accent and manner of speaking that these books so vividly allude to. So grab a glass of tea, dahlin, and read on, if you dare.

The book (and its two companions, Little Altars Everywhere and Ya-Yas in Bloom) is full of fabulous characters and lots of soapy intrigue, but its main storyline centers around the relationship between Viviane Joan Abbott Walker and her oldest daughter, Siddalee. And my word, is it dysfunctional.

Sidda’s the classic “oldest child” – a responsible, perfectionistic worrywart. As a child, she looked after her siblings while her dad went out hunting, her mother drank, and they both argued.  She grew up believing she was responsible for her mother’s unhappiness with life.  In her adulthood, she spends thousands of dollars on therapy and writes plays about her childhood as a form of catharsis. And she messes up royally by sharing with an interviewer too many juicy tidbits about her past. Vivi reads the article, shocked and humiliated, and promises to disown her firstborn immediately. Thus begins our tale, told in a series of revealing, sometimes painful, sometimes beautiful flashbacks. As the two begrudgingly work towards repairing their broken relationship, Sidda learns more about her mother than she ever dreamed when Vivi’s lifelong friends (the “Ya-Yas”) share their special book of secrets and dreams (hence the novel’s title).

Vivi Abbott Walker is one of the most interesting mom characters I’ve ever read:

She’s fabulously charismatic.  Vivi sure knows how to have fun!  From an early age, she demonstrates a knack for doing things with flair, whether it be dressing up to the nines for the premiere of Gone With the Wind as a little girl, putting on fabulous parties, wearing the latest fashions, or responding to anyone with a perfectly witty comment.  Her friends are unflinchingly loyal to her, her kids can’t resist her, and as a reader, I find myself wanting to know more about her.

She’s irrevocably flawed.  Despite her charms, Vivi has a boatload of issues.  After growing up with a mother who hated her, she was confused about her self-worth, wondering if she was an inherently bad person.  Her Catholic faith offered her either condemnation or comfort, depending on the issue she was facing.  She often found herself in the middle of public speculation, the favorite subject of unforgiving rumors.  Her first (and true) love died in the war, and she more or less “settled for” Sidda’s father.  Her drinking problem created more issues for the family.  While she loved her kids, she wondered (oftentimes aloud, in front of the kids) why she couldn’t do more with her life.  At times, she painfully took out her anger on the kids.  After reading her story numerous times, I find myself perplexed and saddened by her many internal struggles and their lasting effects on the children.

After learning all about her mother’s troubled childhood, it fills in the blanks for Sidda, giving her a richer context for why her mother behaves the way she does (and why Sidda was sometimes on the receiving end of Vivi’s anger: she was simply there.)  When Sidda learns to combine her mother’s attractive, wonderful attributes with the knowledge that Vivi’s just another frail human being, struggling to get by, Sidda realizes that it’s awfully hard to hold a grudge against someone so beautiful and imperfect.  Someone who loves Siddalee greatly.

I find it fitting that the author quotes Henri Nouwen in the opening pages: “The hard truth is that all of us love poorly. We need to forgive and be forgiven every day, every hour – unceasingly. That is the great work of love among the fellowship of the weak that is the human family.”

Sidda realizes that her mother, as imperfect as she is, needs grace and understanding, just as much as she does. Just as much as all of us do.  It is our “great work of love” in each of our families: to forgive and be forgiven every day.

Have you read this book? Did you see the movie?  What were your impressions about the mother-daughter relationship it focuses on? Do you have other mommy-issue titles worth recommending? Do share, and have a great weekend, from one imperfect momma to another!

(*Note: There may be spoilers in this post.  Read at your own risk!) 

Now that I’m a mom, I notice things that I didn’t notice before.  (No, I’m not talking about stretch marks.  Ha!)  I’m referring to a heightened sensitivity – a more emotional response – to things I see in tv shows and movies.   Take The Karate Kid, for example.  One of my favorites growing up.  Saw it in the theater; watched it all the time.  Thought Ralph Macchio was adorable.  Never cried.  Well, I received it as a Christmas gift this past year, and let me tell you, I was a mess by the end!  All throughout I was noticing things about Danny LaRusso that I had never paid attention to before: his good manners, his sweetness and vulnerability, his work ethic.  His dad wasn’t in the picture, which I’m sure was a struggle for him (of course, he found a father figure in the wise Mr. Miyagi.)  I’m convinced I see him differently now because I am a mom.  No longer do I see him as a Teen Beat heartthrob; no, now he’s just a sweet boy trying to figure out where he fits in.  And I was so proud of him at the end, at the big tournament, when he shouts, “Mr. Miyagi, we did it! We did it!”  It’s kinda random, I know, but I get all emotional just thinking about it. 

There are other film scenes that wreck me now, too.  Have any of you seen August Rush?  I caught it in the theater a few months ago on a moms’ night out.  Little Freddie Highmore (who’s already 16, yikes!) plays an orphaned boy named August, and he’s absolutely convinced that he’ll find his parents in New York City.  I don’t want to give too much away, in case you go out and rent it tonight, which I totally recommend you do (it’s now on dvd!)  But I will say this, without ruining anything for ya:  there is a scene mid-movie where August does, in fact, meet his dad, played by Jonathan Rhys Meyers.  Neither of them knows that they’re related, but they clearly have a connection with one another, a shared interest that brings them together by chance.  And it’s heartrending, that scene.  I could barely keep my sobs silent.  The whole movie pretty much tore me up, in fact.   And I mean that in a good way.  It’s a must-watch for all moms, in my opinion.  Just have your hanky ready.

What about you, dear readers?  Like me, do you get misty at the final scene of Walk the Line (the one involving Johnny Cash’s father)?  Does your heart just melt when you meet Jude Law’s daughters in The Holiday?  What other scenes, movies, or shows have triggered an emotional, it’s-because-I’m-a-mommy-now response in you?  Happy weekend, and if you do rent August Rush, be sure to come back and tell us your thoughts! 

When I wrote about moms in movies a few months ago, I received a couple of comments about Helen Parr, a.k.a. Elastigirl, from The Incredibles. I hadn’t seen this excellent animated flick since it originally came out in 2004, so I had to do some “research” and re-watch it. (It’s a tough job, but someone’s gotta do it, y’all.)

My friend said:

On my list goes Elastigirl from the Incredibles. Similar thing, she has to remain a great mom while her husband suffers a bit of a nutty, but in the end she shows her strength and brings the family together.

Yes, I agree. Helen Parr (voiced by the brilliant Holly Hunter) is a remarkable mom. As I watched the movie through my couture “mom lenses” (designed by Edna ‘E’ Mode), I noticed her special blend of levelheadedness, responsibility, and feistiness (not to mention her ability to stretch into any shape).

In the first half of the film, she’s seen running the gamut of mom responsibilities: picking up her son from school after he’d been sent to the office, feeding her baby (“making the weird faces” to entertain him, no less), doing laundry, vacuuming, making her family endure leftover night. When the kids argue, she’s right there, peppering their conversations with random insights that sound like they came straight from a psychology book (“Do not shout at the table!” “Oh, don’t just stand there, Bob, I need you to… intervene!” “I don’t think you’re striking the proper tone here!”) She appears to keep the house running smoothly without griping about it, and she shows unfailing support to her husband, no matter what he might be up to. And she doesn’t hesitate to put him in his place if the situation warrants it.

Helen’s biggest scenes involve her children. And that’s when we see her cool-as-a-cucumber personality and physical elasticity come in handy the most. First of all, she flies a plane! Out of nowhere, this momma starts barking out commands like “Mayday, mayday, India-Golf-Niner-Niner is buddy spiked!” Say-wha? That is one piloting-savvy momma! “Abort, abort, there are children aboard, say again, there are children aboard this plane!” Aw, and always looking out for her kids above all else.

Through a series of near-misses and dangerous situations, Helen & her kids learn to trust and appreciate one another’s abilities. In a free-fall from the aforementioned plane, her freaked-out kids find rescue in a lifesaving parachute, provided by mom. Shortly after that, she turns into a raft (handily powered by son Dash’s quick legs). In between, she keeps her cool and helps Dash and Violet do the same, saying things like, “I expect you to trust me.” “Be strong. I’m proud of you.” In addition to being incredibly quick on her feet, she’s both encouraging and wise.

She is also comforting and truthful. Her truthfulness really shines out in the scene where she leaves the kids alone in the jungle in order to search for Bob. Before going, she gives them a speech on the dangers they face, and what to do about them if necessary. She doesn’t sugarcoat their situation – she respects them enough to tell them the truth. And they listen.

By the climax, the whole Parr family is working together, using their powers for good. They share the load. They cheer one another on. And they couldn’t do any of it without Helen, who kept a level head throughout the entire adventure (and who literally carried them all home). Plus, she’s great with directions.

Finally, I chuckled at a little scene that only us moms could really appreciate: in her super-suit, she catches her reflection, stops, and sighs. Let’s just put it this way: the animators gave her a relatively realistic “mom figure”.

So remember, moms, no matter what size we are, no matter how elastic or talented we may be (hey, I’m no pilot on the side, how about you?), our kids will always love us if we show the admirable maternal characteristics displayed by Helen Parr in The Incredibles. What do you think? Happy weekend!

I’m a very sentimental momma. I keep a journal for each of my kids. I plan to give them their journals on a special day when they’re older. I save all kinds of things from their early years (or months!), like the hat Eli wore home from the hospital, or the precious tiny socks Lucy wore in her first few weeks of life. When we got Lucy’s toybox for her first birthday, we picked out a special one that can turn into a “hope chest” for her later on. I even painted her name on the top in a fun, girly font. And not so long ago, I hung this shadow box on the wall in Lucy’s room. It contains a shirt I wore when I was about a year old, and a picture of me wearing it (these items were handed down to me from my mom when I got pregnant.)

Given my penchant for sentiment, saving special things, and personalizing objects for my kids, I was delighted to receive a piece of adorable babywear from Sew Cute to review. Their products are exactly the kind of items that keepsake-loving moms like myself would be interested in. Sew Cute’s site is chock-full of darling baby clothes and items that could easily fill your own child’s closet or make a great gift for a friend.

The clothing at Sew Cute comes in classic colors such as Bubblegum pink (as seen on my little model), Aqua blue, Marine black, and Christmas Snow white. You’ll find short- and long-sleeved tees, onesies, pants, hoodies, and the cutest knotted caps you’ll ever see on a baby. Hooded towels, bibs, and gift certificates are also available. Sizes run from newborn to six years. All items are personalized in a sweet font with the baby’s monogrammed initial or name.

Lucy is wearing the Personalized Long-Sleeved Tee. As soon as I slipped it on her, I was charmed by how cute she looked. It is soft, sweet, and captures her little-girl innocence completely. She was obviously comfortable in it. The shirt is high-quality, and the monogrammed feature is top-notch. I received the shirt less than two weeks after I placed my order, and I found Sew Cute’s service fast and friendly.

I can easily imagine this picture and Lucy’s shirt in a shadow box of its own for future generations to appreciate. If you are looking for a similar keepsake item for your family, be sure to check out Sew Cute!

• Sew Cute is offering The Mom Crowd readers a $5 gift certificate. To receive your $5 gift certificate you need to login and enter “The Mom Crowd” in the Referral field. There are many items on clearance for 40% off right now.

What items are you saving as keepsakes for your children?

This week I caught the premiere episode of “The Secret Life of a Soccer Mom” on The Learning Channel (new episodes air Mondays at 10/9C). The concept of the show is this: regular, stay-at-home moms are selected to spend a week outside of their familial responsibilities to try doing the job of their dreams. It asks the questions “What if I pursued my dream job instead of becoming a stay at home mom?” “Could I do it?” and “Did I miss out on my true calling?”

After seeing the first episode centered on a SAHM of 10 years, Adrian Stark – who works as a fashion designer in a high-end California boutique for a week while her doctor husband, Bruce, stays home with their three daughters – I found that the show attempts to answer those questions in a bit of a confusing way.

Here are some random observations and reactions to what I saw:

1. It borrowed ideas from several familiar reality t.v. shows. When Adrian skipped town for a few days, she left a six-page to-do list for her hubby to follow – you know, instructions for how to care for the kids full-time. It was reminiscent of “Wife Swap” to see Bruce mocking the list, saying, “Moms take things so seriously!” To which Adrian responded, “If it doesn’t get done, it leads to chaos!” (I agreed with her completely. We moms know what we’re talking about when it comes to nitty-gritty, day-to-day responsibilities!) And as a viewer, I just knew Bruce was being set up to look like an idiot. A few minutes later, visions of “Supernanny” danced through my head as I saw the girls begin to lose control. As daddy kept up his laid-back parenting shtick, the younger daughters fought and threw things, leading to crying and general chaos. And finally, it seemed very “Extreme Makeover: Home Edition” every time the “SLSM” truck parked in front of the Stark home. It’s this big, ominous black trailer acting as the “hub” of the show. Hostess Tracey Gold (yep, Carol Seaver in the flesh!) hangs out inside, surrounded by televisions, watching everything that happens like a modern-day “big brother”. It carried Adrian to and from her workplace and magically transformed her into a hip woman every time she stepped out of the truck (regular mom clothes weren’t going to cut it at the Bianca Nero boutique, y’all.)

2. The show required the mom to lie about everything she was doing. I wasn’t a big fan of that bit. I didn’t think it was necessary. Adrian’s husband and daughters were told that she was going to a spa for a few days. There were a few phone calls made to their home before Adrian left, and Adrian had to lie to her family about who it was. The show even provided a pair of black-pantsuit-wearing “assistants” to go into their home to clean and cook dinner while Adrian was out the first day. (I suppose this was all supposed to be in fun with its secret-agent covertness, but the humor was lost on me.) Near the end of the program, Adrian said, “I wanted to be a strong role model for my girls,” and then she sat down with them, saying, “I have to tell you all something. I have been lying to you. I know that’s wrong, but what I was doing was really exciting!” When they saw she had been designing gowns for an upscale boutique that had an occasional celebrity client (most dropped name: “Academy-Award-winning-actress-Jennifer-Hudson”), they all quickly let the dishonesty go. Somehow I don’t think my husband would be as understanding, but hey, that’s just us.

3. The on-the-job scenes were a stressful, high-intensity situation. Adrian was asked to design three dresses in three days (a task not even given on Project Runway!), but I don’t think she actually had to make all of them herself. Even though one designer kept telling her she was welcome at the studio, the others lurked around Adrian, giving off a nervous and strangely stoic vibe. They rarely assisted or gave her any concrete guidelines, but managed to hover over her with critiques and doubtful expressions. It would have made me crazy, but throughout the experience, Adrian did a remarkable job, creating three really pretty gowns in time for a last-minute (of course!) fashion show for some very important clients. The end result? Only one dress passed muster. The other two were “all wrong”. (I felt bad for her.) At the end of the experience, Tracey Gold asked Adrian, “Is the trade-off worth it?” As viewers, we’re led to believe that no, actually it isn’t.

4. The show seemed to imply that being a stay-at-home mom can’t be the dream job. It’s tagline read, “For anyone who has put their dreams on hold.” I can understand that a lot of us don’t always feel called to our position as moms, and sometimes wonder if there isn’t more out there for us. But for many moms, being a mom is their dream fulfilled. I would have enjoyed it if the show had explored this more. Even though Adrian admitted “It’s a beautiful gift to be a stay-at-home mom,” she never really said that much more about it.

5. And she was offered a full-time job at the boutique by week’s end! I’m not sure if it will always work out this way in future episodes. After all we’d seen in the boutique, it didn’t seem too promising for Adrian, so I was wondering if there was any push from the producers to make this happen. In front of her family, Adrian was offered the job and told she had two hours to accept. Not only that, she’d have to start the following Monday. Talk about a big decision! And in such an environment of heightened intensity. It’s like going on a dating show and saying that the man you just met is your soulmate… when actually, it’s not such a great fit once the t.v. cameras go away. Adrian did accept the job, and it ends with the family in excited agreement that her dream finally came true. I just can’t help but wonder what’ll happen to their family’s dynamics now. The girls have never been in day care before.

So while it was interesting viewing, I felt conflicted when it was all over. Is the message in “The Secret Life of a Soccer Mom” that being a stay-at-home mom isn’t good enough? Am I a less interesting person because I’d rather raise my kids myself instead of pursuing a full-time dream job? And will all of the moms in future episodes readily abandon their posts to take the glitzy job that might be offered to them?

Did any of you watch this show? What did you think? (p.s. Even in the closing credits, Tracey Gold was still hunkered down in the stealth-mobile, watching everyone on those tv’s!)