The Mom Crowd

I got to spend a whole day with Ina May Gaskin, well known midwife and author of books Ina May’s Guide to Childbirth and Spiritual Midwifery.  She came to Pittsburgh to speak to a group of doulas, childbirth educators, midwives, labor nurses, and anyone interested in the power of birth.  She gave several talks: Hands: Our Treasured Tools, Sphincter Law, Forgotten Powers of the Vagina, Demand Cesareans, and Post-Date Inductions.  

I was very interested in her talk on post-date inductions because this issue is one that is so common and one that many women have to face, either by doctors who are pushing inductions for various reasons (many unnecessary), or by women who do go past their due dates.  I rather enjoyed her talk on Sphincter Law.  Not only was it entertaining, but she highlighted the idea that bringing humor into the labor room can be freeing for the woman in labor and can also help her labor to chug along and be less painful.

A word about induction:  Did you know that first time moms who get induced are twice as likely to end up with a cesarean than mothers who go into spontaneous labor?  Did you know that there are many natural things you can try to get labor going instead of opting for pitocin first?  Did you know that many practices like to induce women with a drug called Cytotec (misoprostal) that has not been proven to be safe for pregnant mothers?  It is a great drug to use for post-partum hemorhage but when used to induce labor, there can be many complications.  Cytotec is a drug that cannot be counteracted, it can’t be turned off like pitocin can.  It can’t be removed from the body. One of the complications of the drug is that it can cause hyperstimulation of the uterus which can then distress the baby.  Using a drug that can’t be counteracted and can have harmful effect on both the mother and the baby is not wise.  Many women are not shared the possible risks when given this drug.  Ina May is very passionate about women knowing their options when it comes to birth.

In her book, Ina May’s Guide to Childbirth, she goes over the theory of Sphincter Law thoroughly.  It was fun to hear her talk about it in person.  The basic premise behind Sphincter Law is that the cervix also functions like a sphincter.  Like our other well known sphincters (think toilet humor), the cervix doesn’t respond well to commands, pressure, or fear.  How many of you have had “stage fright” when it comes to pooping or peeing in front of someone or sitting next to someone in the next stall?  Our emotional state of relaxation can have a powerful effect on the cervix.  Fear and shame can keep the cervix closed.  Ina May talked extensively about how bringing in a sense of humor into the place of birth can help the body release endorphins that overrule the adrenaline that gets released when afraid.  Sometimes not understanding what is going on with your body while it is laboring can cause fear too.  Her suggestions for keeping that cervix open and able to open is to bring in humor and allowing your mouth and jaw to relax. Making low groaning sounds or making your lips vibrate like a horse can keep that jaw relaxed.  (Relaxing your jaw also helps  you to poop when it feels difficult to do so .) She recommends that kissing your husband while laboring can also help keep that jaw relaxed.  Of course, if you are laboring in the hospital, you might want to ask for some privacy .

Ina May also talked about her project, The Safe Motherhood Quilt Project.  She started this project several years ago to try and waken the government to the need to decrease the maternal mortality rate here in the US.  Did you know that the maternal mortality rate has not decreased since 1982?  It is increasing, in fact. It is also thought to be grossly underestimated.  We are ranked behind 40 other countried for maternal mortality.  You would think that with all of our technology that the rate would be decreasing but that is not the case.  As the rate of Cesareans has risen, so has the maternal mortality rate.  

Some of the deaths that happen every year of unpreventable, but many are not.  Ina May started making a quilt in honor of the mothers that have died from complications of birth. An interesting phenomenon is the increase of death from amniotic fluid embolism.  Some speculate that the increase of inductions is also increasing the number of deaths from amniotic fluid embolism.  There needs to be more studies done so to show why there is such an increase.

I cannot tell you how important it is to spread the word for women to know their options when it comes to birth.  I advocate giving birth where you feel the most comfortable.  For some women, that is at home.  For others, it is at a birth center or hospital.  It is so important to know the procedures that are done and what the risks and benefits are.  For example, when a woman show up in labor at the hospital, the staff will break her water, insert an internal fetal monitor, and even start her on a pitocin drip to speed up the labor.  A mom may not know that as long as her and the baby are okay, breaking the bag of waters and inserting an internal fetal monitor is going overboard.  Using pitocin when it is not needed is simply unnecssary and introduces risks to the mother and baby.  She may not know that it is okay to refuse those things.   

There are many resources available to help women make informed choices about childbirth.  Some of my favorite books are:

• Ina May’s Guide to Childbirth by Ina May Gaskin
• The Thinking Woman’s Guide to a Better Birth by Henci Goer
• Creating Your Birth Plan: The Definitive Guide to a Safe and Empowering Birth by Marsden Wagner
• Born in the USA: How a Broken Maternity System Must Be Fixed to Put Women and Children First by Marsden Wagner
• Pushed: The Painful Truth About Childbirth and Modern Maternity Care by Jennifer Block
• Birth: The Surprising History of How We Are Born by Tina Cassidy
• Natural Birth the Bradley Way by Susan McCutcheon

Have you ever considered having your older children come to the birth of their newest baby brother/sister?  What is your first reaction when you think about having your children come to your next birth? If your first reaction was, “Never!” you aren’t alone.  Many people think children would be scared or scarred for life if they saw their moms (or anyone else for that matter) give birth.

I want to provide an alternative way of looking at bringing children to the birth of their new sibling.  Children are curious by nature and most children love babies.  Allowing a child to be part of the significant moment of introducing a new family member into the world can be a positive, unforgettable experience.

Penny Simkin, doula and childbirth educator extraordinaire co-authored a book called Birth-Through Children’s Eyes several years ago.  I found a copy of it at half-price books when I was pregnant with my third child.  I thought it would make a great resource for my birth class lending library.  As I read the book, I started talking to my husband about having our oldest child (who had just turned 4) come with us to the birth center to be there for the birth.  He was skeptical at first but as I shared from the book he became open to the idea.

In Penny’s book, she did a (small scale) study with some children and compared the experiences of children who had been at their sibling’s birth and those who hadn’t.  She had the children draw pictures as a way for them to talk about the new addition to the family.  The biggest difference between the two groups is that the children who DID go to the births felt more accepting and less jealous of the new baby than those who did NOT go to the birth.  The siblings liked having a role in the birth and being one of the first people to hold the new baby.

All of the moms I know (myself included) who are having additional children ponder  and talk about whether or not the other child(ren) will be jealous of the baby and take it out on either the baby or the mommy.  Everyone in the family must readjust to the new family layout, that is true, and there are a lot of factors that can make that transition easier.  Having family/friend/church support to bring meals, help out with laundry, and some light cleaning can be a relief to any mom.  Talking with older siblings about how a new baby is coming and reading books about it together can help too.  What if inviting older children to the birth of the new baby was an additional help?

Most people balk at the idea because we bring in our own fears, scary stories, and ideas about birth which makes it hard to see birth the way a child would see it.  I mentioned before that children are curious by nature and love learning–and babies.  Having them at birth does open up potential conversations about how human reproduction, how babies are made, and where they come from.  True, those kind of conversations can make us nervous because we don’t want to say the wrong thing–my perspective is that I want my children to learn those things from me and I am willing to answer their questions.  I don’t feel the need to explain everything to them .

I have some suggestions on how to make it work if you do decide to have older children come to the birth of their new sibling.  Most of these come from Penny’s book and some other things I have read about it.

1. Have a friend/relative designated to be the child’s helper.  Your children should have a good relationship with the helper. This person is there to help the child(ren) with activities, answer questions, and to be supportive to the child.  They can watch the child and make sure that he/she is feeling comfortable or provide things to do during the labor (which can be boring to a child).  Pushing the baby out is much more exciting!  Preparing the child ahead of time so they know that daddy will be helping mommy and won’t be available to help him/her is important.

2. Plan activities ahead of time for the child: Bake a birthday cake or cupcakes and bring it to the birth so the child(ren) can frost and decorate while you labor.  Bring books, paper, markers, crayons, play-dough to help pass time.  Portable dvd players and movies with a sleeping bag can be a great way to settle down.  If you are birthing at home then you can wake the child up shortly before it is time to push.  If you are birthing in the hospital you can have the helper bring the child near the end of labor too–especially if it is in the middle of the night.

3. Help prepare the children coming to the birth by reading books about birth, show pictures, and watch some videos together. You tube is a great place to find some birth videos.  Explaining to the child that birth can be messy is a good thing.  It is good for them to know that they might see blood  and that the baby might look kind of slimy when it comes out.

4. Give the child space to decide when he or she wants to be in the room.  Forcing the child to be there when he doesn’t want to be will be distressing to him.  (This is why you bring in a special helper.)  Also if you, as the laboring mom, decide you don’t want the child there then you can tell your helper to take the child to another room.

We did have our oldest come to the birth and decided to have our middle child (who was almost 3)  stay home. We made arrangements with some friends to come and sleep at our house should labor happen in the middle of the night so someone would be with him.  My mom was our Ewan’s helper.  We had asked Ewan if he wanted to come to the birth a few months in advance.  He did so we started talking to him about how my mom was going to be his helper and pal at the birth center.  We told him about the different things he could do while we waited for the baby to come.

Labor started in the middle of the night and Ewan was very excited about getting to be up.  As I was pushing the baby out he saw a little blood and said, “I think I want to go watch a movie upstairs.”  So off he went and we got him after the baby was out.  We had a few complications (the baby’s shoulders got stuck and it was a little intense) so in the end we decided that it was probably a good thing that he decided to leave.  He has had a very strong bond with Graham (the baby) and still talks about being at his birth.  He remembers me making funny labor noises in the backseat of the car on the way, he remembers making cupcakes, he remembers holding Graham for the first time.  He loved being there.  Our middle child took longer to bond with the baby and warm up to him.  Some of it may have been his displacement as the baby, or age, but I do wonder if he would have warmed up quicker had he been at the birth.  If I could do it all over again I would have the same plan.  If we have another baby, I will invite both the older boys to come to the birth for sure.  I won’t know about Graham until we are closer to birth day.

So what do you think?  Did you go to any of your sibling’s births?  Were any of your children at any of your other births?

Ewan (the oldest) got his first ice cream when he was 2.  2!  Can you believe that? I thought for sure that if a morsel of sugar passed his lips any earlier he’d turn into a sugar loving crazed kid. I know now that all kids will be lovers of sugar. Doesn’t matter what age you introduce it to them. I don’t remember how old Isaac (middle child) was when he got his first cookie or ice cream but he was a lot younger. When we thought Ewan was old enough to start chewing gum then it was hard to keep it from Isaac too. I try to tell myself that their 14 month age difference has a lot to do with it but I think I like to rationalize.

Well, apparently the age for gum chewing with the third child is 18 months.  Okay, well maybe our third child found some gum in my purse, knew what it was, unpeeled it, knew to put it in his mouth and chew.  I didn’t give it to him.  But I didn’t freak out after he put it in his mouth either (which I would have after child #1 or 2).  I waited to see what would happen.  I figured he would swallow it.  Or spit it out somewhere. Speaking of which, I should probably go see if I can find that chewed treasure somewhere.  But he figured out how to chew it and swallow the juices that come from a yummy piece of gum.  He chewed it longer than Ewan or Isaac did when they were first getting the hang of gum.

In truth, since I am a slightly seasoned parent, some of my parenting views and philosophies have changed too so that makes a difference in some of my decision making. I know someday I’ll hear the words from Ewan, “But MOM, you NEVER used to let me do _______!” And I’ll respond, “Wait till you have kids…”

I couldn’t resist showing you the utter joy that Graham (the 18 month old) had with his first gum chewing escapade.
So, what have you gotten “slack” on since becoming a parent of 2 or more? What kinds of things seem less important to you than before when it comes to parenting?

I was sent a copy of Jean Blackmer’s book, BOY-STEROUS LIVING, to read and write a review.  I have to tell you that I really enjoyed reading this book.  I read it in one evening cover to cover.  Jean Blackmer is a mother of 3 sons, just like me.  She is a writer and publishing manager for MOPS (Mothers of Preschoolers) International.

 I don’t assume that everyone who reads The Mom Crowd is a Christian, but I do need to tell you that this book is written from a Christian perspective. Each chapter begins with an anecdote and usually points to a passage of the Bible for a small bit of teaching. All the chapters end with a “deeper note” which suggests some fun things you can do to connect with your boys or has some questions to get you thinking about your relationship with them. The chapters are short and easy to read. It is one of those books that you can flip through and read whatever chapter title jumps out at you. One thing I appreciated about this book was that it wasn’t all about how you need to make yourself a better Christian or mother–it wasn’t about meeting standards that are impossible to achieve. It is simply a practical, funny look about what life is like when you have a house full of boys.

I found many of the topics she writes about to be true, for example, in Chapter 2 she talks about how boys and risk taking go hand in hand. And how us mothers worry. A lot. She points out that risk taking or fearlessness isn’t bad–but foolish risk taking is. We can teach our boys the difference between being fearless and foolish. Another thing she talks about in Chapter 7 is how important it is for us mommies to spend time with other women. That is so true in my life, and I predict that it will become even more true as my boys grow up to be teenagers. So far my 4 and 5 year old like to sit around and talk about the things that interest them. If I am lucky they will still enjoy sitting around with their mom and talking about fun stuff–but from what I understand (and she mentions this in the book) boys may hit an age where they run out of words and don’t want to answer a bunch of my questions about their friends, what they learned at school, who they talked to, or didn’t talk to–you get the point. I’ll have to give them more space to be themselves and not expect them to relate to me in the same way my girlfriends do.

As I was reading the book, I was inspired to spend more time DOING things with my boys like playing legos, looking for bugs, pretending to talk with a certain action figure, riding bikes, playing soccer, hockey, and being with them while they play on the computer. My boys (husband included) love adventure and even though I’d sometimes rather hang out inside and read, I know that DOING things with them will help us to bond together and create memories. I get tired (okay, and sometimes bored) when I am pretending to be Yoda or Bumblebee (shout out to Star Wars and Transformers!) but for now it is a way to connect with them. 

 In Chapter 15 Blackmer talks about the importance of letting Dads be Dads without interfering. If you are the primary caretaker of your children then you know the ins and outs of all the daily things in life (he likes mustard, NOT mayonaise…she takes a nap with the puppy but sleeps with the bear at bedtime…he’s been scared of Barney for weeks, why did you let him watch THAT?!…she naps at 12:30 not 1…) and when we leave our children with their daddies sometimes we have a tendency to communicate that they don’t know how to take care of their own children. It is true, sometimes they don’t but when we criticize and don’t let them doing things differently without freaking out can you blame them when they give up trying? Or get upset with us for telling them they are doing it wrong and then don’t give them a chance to figure it out themselves? This is not as hard for me as it used to be but I still struggle with it somtimes. She points out that every father and son need a chance to develop their own relationship (I know it is true for girls too but this post is about boys) and sometimes, as hard as it can be, we need to step aside and let them figure it out.

As I read the book I laughed and cried. My husband was sitting next to me on the couch and enjoyed the excerpts I read to him. Having boys is a blast and I appreciated a reminder of all the reasons why as I read this book. It could make a great gift to a mom that has boys!

 Do you have any “boy” stories? How do you manage to be surrounded by boys in your house? What about you moms that have teenage boys?  How do you relate to them?  What about you that have both boys and girls–what differences do you notice?

It seems like I’m always writing about books, an article I read here, a website I found there.  I guess that says something about how I like to spend some of my free time (escape from the kids time).  

Instead of writing about some enjoyable reading resource for us moms, I thought I would write about magazines for kids this week.  My mom loves to spoil the kids and she has ordered us some subscriptions to some fun magazines.  I thought I’d give a review on the ones we have received in case you were looking for some fun reading material for your own kids.  They also make great gifts for others if you are looking for something a little educational and fun that lasts all year long.  

1. Ladybug Magazine- We were given a bagful of some old magazines by our neighbor who had read and reread them to several of her 

children.  I had never heard of Ladybug before, but I gotta tell you that my 4 and 5 year old LOVE them.  We had a stack of about 20-30 magazines and we have read them so many times that they can look at the covers and know what is inside.  Ladybug is a great magazine for preschoolers and toddlers. Each magazine usually focuses on some kind of theme, like rain, and will incorporate rain into several of the stories.  The magazine is full of short stories, one or two longer stories, a song, some poems, and two cartoons that are simple-with easy to love characters.  When my mom came to visit she read several of the magazines to them and decided to order a subscription.  They squeal with delight when one comes in the mail.  

2. Zootles- Another good find.  Zootles is a magazine for 2-5 year olds.  It focuses on on animal and has several stories, pictures, and facts about the animal of the month. It also introduces a letter and a number in each issue.  A one year subscription provides 6 issues since it only comes out every other month.  The kids also enjoyed this one and learned a lot about animals.  

3. Zoobooks- Is made by the same company as Zootles but is geared for older kids. The stories and information in the magazines is more complex.  The kids also had this magazine for a while.  They really enjoyed it.

4. National Geographic Kids- This is a fun magazine too but it is definitely geared for kids 7 and up.  I actually enjoy reading this one more than my kids do–but I imagine that it is entertaining for kids in the right age group.  The magazine has fun articles about living green and how kids can contribute to caring for the earth.  It has funny jokes, wild and interesting facts, amazing but true stories about animals, movie reviews from a kid’s perspective, and lots of ads for video games (that part I don’t like so much).

5. Kids Discover- Is geared for 7-12 year olds. Another gift from my mom.  I think she was trying to give them something that was interesting and educational.  I have to say it was a flop–but they were just too young.  Again, I enjoyed reading it more than the kids. If the boys were a few years older, I think they would enjoy some of the magazines a lot.  We did sit down and read the last issue together because it was about chocolate.  And who doesn’t love chocolate?  We were all fascinated about the science of how chocolate is made and where it comes from.  This magazine would make a great addition to any homeschooling family!

6. Highlights Top Secret Adventures- This one showed up in our mailbox and we were all intrigued.  A new package comes in the mail every month and the kids squeal again when they see it.  Top Secret Adventures is a kit that includes a small puzzle of a country, a book about the country containing facts and information about the culture, people, regions, major cities, language, and food.  It also includes a puzzle book where you enter a journey as a top secret agent trying to figure out who the crook is, what they stole, and where it is hidden.  The puzzles teach kids how to think critically and logically.  I’m sure you can tell by the sound of it, that is is not geared toward the preschool ages but my kids love it.  We sit and do it together.  They of course, need help with all the reading but there are some puzzles they can do without our help and we have noticed in the last few months that they are able to understand and do more without so much help from us.  It is something I would enjoy doing by myself too!  

7. Highlights Hidden Pictures Playground- If you have kids who love stickers, like to draw, and maybe do seek and find pictures then this is a good magazine.  My kids aren’t into it very much though.  I’m not sure why but I think it is because they don’t love to color. I usually do bring the magazines with us on long car rides or plane trips to give them something to do for a while.  They don’t squeal with delight when it comes in the mail or piles up in their book corner but it does provide something different to do while we are traveling.  

8. God’s World News Early Edition- Is a gift from my in-laws.  I have found it to be interesting and enjoyable too.  The magazine covers a broad spectrum of stories happening around the world.  It touches on animals, history, science, culture all through the perspective that God cares about our world and what happens in it.  Young readers or preschoolers will like looking at the pictures and reading some of the simple stories in it.  There are sections marked for parents to read to children (who are too young to read themselves).  It also has a few puzzle games in it for a fun follow up activity.  

Wow, I didn’t realize that we had so many subscriptions in the past few years until writing them down.  Do you get any magazines for your kids?  Which ones?  Had any bombs?  Which ones?  Don’t be shy–share your opinion!