The Mom Crowd

I had my first prenatal appointment today with the midwife group that I see.  The birth center is downtown which is about 35 minutes from where we live.  As I was driving I got teary because I knew that when I got to the appointment I would feel very cared for.  I wouldn’t have to put on a positive, faith-filled front. I knew I could let my guard down and share my concerns and worries.  I wasn’t toting all the kids with me so I wouldn’t have to play mommy either.  It felt nice that I wouldn’t have to reciprocate any questions.  I had the luxury of going somewhere that was just for me.  

It sounds sort of selfish, I know.  It felt more like I was going to a counseling appointment than a prenatal appointment.  I have a lot on my plate right now.  We are downsizing in a MAJOR way, selling more things than we are keeping, and moving across the country back to Texas before moving to England later this summer. And we just moved up our leave date to Texas by about 11 days so the pressure to finish all that needs to be done has gone up a new notches. There are so many details that float through my head on an hourly basis it is exhausting.  I’ve been sick with a cold and sinus problems for the past 2 weeks–sometimes feeling okay and sometimes laid out on the couch.  I’m mindful of keeping the stress of the 2 upcoming moves as little as possible for all the kids.  And hubby and I are having a lot of conversations about all the details and trying to communicate well about them (a.k.a not argue and take the stress out on each other).

I walked into the appointment and was purely thankful because I knew that the midwife I was seeing was “with me”.  Midwife means with woman. And she is for me. One of the first things she said was, “I have a lot of things to ask, but first is there anything that you would like to talk about…any concerns or questions?”  There was no hurry, no pressed time.  She was all ears about any questions I had.  I did have a small list.  I’ve been having a little spotting the past few days so I wanted to talk about that.  I told her that although I have been thankful for much less nausea this pregnancy it did have me concerned because it has been so different from my last 3 pregnancies.  I mentioned that I don’t want to have another (almost) 12 lb. baby and would like some direction on what to do about that.  I also needed some guidance on what I could do with all the sinus headaches I’ve been having for the past week.  Even though I had my last baby with the group, she looked at my file and looked over any concerns about my last pregnancies and/or health issues.  We went through my health history together and I was free to share any new thoughts that came up during our conversation.  Through all of our conversation, she was very encouraging and reassuring.  I never felt stupid for asking questions and I never felt like I needed to rush.

She asked me if I was comfortable with getting an ultrasound to help me feel better about how the baby is doing.  I agreed and made an appointment for early next week.  We tried to listen to the heartbeat but since I am still in my 10th week I knew it would be a slim shot.  We didn’t get to hear it but I knew it wasn’t something to worry about.   She did an exam to check my cervix and make sure it was closed and to look and see if there was any old/new blood.  As she did the exam she walked me through the whole thing (even though I totally know what to expect).  I still appreciate it because she is respecting me as a woman/mother.  We set up an another appointment right before we move even though it is a few days earlier than it would normally be.  I don’t think I’ll have prenatal care again until we get to England so having one more appointment just to check on me seemed important.  They will have my file ready so I can take it to England with me.  She was very encouraging about the prenatal care I will get in England.  She worked with a midwife who was trained in England, so is familiar with the system and how it works.  

Even though I am a birth teacher and I know a lot of information about pregnancy and birth, I still need to be cared for.  I don’t mean to imply that my husband doesn’t take care of me or look out for me, or that my friends and family don’t care. It’s just that there are many different hats I wear as a wife, friend, daughter, sister, mother etc.  Do you know what I mean?

I left my appointment feeling relaxed, uplifted and cared for.  And that is how it should be!  I love midwifery care! I love that one of the values of midwifery care is to look at my whole person–not just the baby growing inside me.  I find that I appreciate it more, the more children I have!  There are many women who choose midwifery care (from Certified Nurse Midwives-CNMs) even though they want epidurals during their labors or need to have c-sections for one reason or another.  You don’t have to be earthy-birthy to love the personalized care you often get from midwives.  Their job is to be “with woman” and to care for her where she is–not make her super granola.  

I’m sure that many of you have had similar experiences with ob/gyns but I have heard many, many stories where that is not the case.  I just like to throw out an alternative for anyone who might be looking for something different, who might need some extra attention during pregnancy and motherhood.  Midwives are wonderful and I hope that anyone who has been comtemplating switching practices might consider the midwifery model of care.  Most CNMs also do well-woman visits too!  

So what do you think?  Does that kind of care sound appealing to you?  What extras do you need when you are pregnant? Would you ever try going to a midwife?  Why or why not?

• 1st photo courtesy of naturalkinds
• 2nd photo courtesy of RahelSharon

Imagine yourself living in post WWII England. There are buildings that have been condemned due to safety hazards with people living in them anyway.  There are bomb shelters and buildings that have been damaged by bombings.  You live in London’s East End and you work with people who you have been sheilded from your whole life.  You are a nurse, training to be a midwife and living in a convent with nuns and other nurses.  You aren’t too big into religious things so living in a convent with nuns is interesting. You are thankful that you don’t have  to go to the services, and yet thankful for living in community with these fascinating women.  You go out on a bicycle, your only means of transportation, on daily calls to the people in the East End–mostly in the tennements (otherwise known as slums)–even in the rain.  You do prenatal care and help to deliver babies.  Sometimes you help the other nurse nun who you don’t get along with too well do patient care visits to the older, sick people in the community. You discover that a family with 10 children can live in a two bedroom flat and that laundry can be hung anywhere and everywhere. 

Jennifer Worth, a midwife from the 1950′s did all of these things.  This book, The Midwife, is a biography of her life as a midwife. She went to live in the London Docklands to serve a wide community of people as a nurse-midwife. The area she served dealt with fighting, drunkenness, and poverty.  The overcrowded area seemed to welcome crime.  The people were also hard working, trying to make a living and the men trying to provide for their families.    

Her memoir is definitely an interesting read.  The chapters are story clips of women whose births she attended, difficult births, families with domestic violence, families with great love for one another, a prostitute, and nuns she worked with.  She paints an amazing picture of what life was like back then. I enjoyed learning about some of the history of London and especially enjoyed learning about the Cockney dialect.  Her stories are engaging and easy to read.  

You don’t have to be a midwife or even particularly interested in “birthy things” to enjoy this book.  This book helped me to appreciate some of the modern day conveniences we have as mothers.  Indoor toilets, running water, washing machines!  Can you imaging having 10 children with no running water in your house and no washing machine?  Can you imagine how much of your day would be spent simply washing clothes?  It helped me to appreciate the amount of space we have for our own living quarters and that there aren’t abandoned bomb shelters nearby with people doing all sorts of terrible things while my children are outside playing.

One of my favorite chapters is about a woman from Spain, who only speaks Spanish, who is married to a man who only speaks English.  Oh, and they have 25 children!!!  25 children!  Can you imagine?  Their story is heartwarming and leaves you with your jaw dropped.  

If you go on Amazon and read the other reviews of the book, I think you’ll want to find your own copy to read.

I thought I’d share with you something I’ve been trying at my house.  I don’t know about your kids, but MY kids do not enjoy “clean up time”.  I can’t even tell you how many times I’ve bugged them to tears and tantrums about cleaning up.  I don’t like cleaning up my stuff all the time (ask my husband) but leaving toys strewn all through the house is not really an option for me.  I hate stepping on toys and kicking them around while I am holding the toddler and can’t see where my feet are stepping.  And most of all I abhor cleaning up THEIR mess at the end of the day.  I am not their maid, I’m their mom. Part of my job as their mother is to teach them how to be responsible for their own things–not clean up after them day in and day out.  Let’s face it, with 3 kids home for most or all of the day, I have enough on my plate already with keeping food in the house, making sure laundry is clean and put away, paying bills, and actually making meals.  Not to mention all the other “household engineering duties” that fall on our plates as moms.  The last thing I want to all day long is pick up their toys.

I wrote a while ago about Love and Logic and how I have enjoyed trying out those parenting techniques with my kids.  I decided that some Love and Logic was needed so I could teach the kids responsibility for their things AND to keep my own sanity.  I knew that the more I nagged my kids about cleaning up, the MORE they got angry at me and me with them.  The cycle wasn’t working and it was time for change.

So using some of the strategies from Love and Logic I told them the following: “Okay boys, we need something different around here for cleaning up toys.  It isn’t Mommy’s job to clean up your toys all the time and I really don’t like arguing with you about it.  Do you like it when Mommy bugs you to clean up your messes?”  ”NO!”, they say. “Okay great!  I’m glad we agree about that.  Here is the new deal–you can get out whatever you want during the day.  How does that sound?”  ”Great!”, they respond.  ”Awesome!  This is important–so make sure you listen to this–you have until dinner is ready to clean up your toys.  Whatever is left on the floor when dinner is ready goes in trash bags.  So, if you want to clean up during the day as you go you can choose to do that OR if you want to wait until Mommy starts cooking dinner you can do that too.  You can choose not to clean up your toys at all if you want–but you won’t get them back very easily. I’m fine with whatever you want to do. How does that sound?”  Their response, “Okay.”  

I think they were so relieved to hear that I wouldn’t harass them about cleaning up and that there wouldn’t be any arguing about it that getting toys taken away didn’t really sink in.  Until the next day.  Over the next week I think I stockpiled about 3-4 trash bags plus another pile of toys that they never got around to cleaning up.  Were they happy about it?  No way!  Did they throw a fit about their toys getting taken?  You bet!  Did I give up?  No way!  The key was to keep my calm and to really be fine with when they wanted to pick up their toys.  I put the ball in their court and let the consequences do the talking.  I chose not to lecture them and remind them to clean up or what would happen if they didn’t.  I do tell them that I am about to start working on dinner–but I never give a reminder “so you might want to start cleaning up”.  When they did leave toys out and I had to get out the trash bags, I would tell them what a bummer it was to have to put their toys away.  At first they tried to get mad at ME and blame it on me.  ”Nice try”, I say.  ”You chose how to spend your time and this is the consequence for your choice.”   

At first, I thought that they wouldn’t have any toys left by the time we were ready to pack up and go to England but in the last 5 days I haven’t had to pick up any toys left out.  They do it on their own.  Sure, they usually wait until I start cooking dinner to clean up but I don’t care!  They get the job done.  Sometimes we are going to be gone from the house for the afternoon and if I made dinner in the crockpot they don’t have time to pick up.  Now that we have this system going and they know I mean business, we just suggest that they might want to clean up real quick before coming to dinner.  And would you believe it, there isn’t much of a hassle about it!  Or if someone is coming over and we need to tidy up before they get there, they are generally cheerful about picking up.

My boys are 4.5 and 5.5.  I wish I would have started this on them when they were 3!  Or maybe even 2.  Although, with a 2 year old it would need to be modified since a 2 year old doesn’t have any concept of time.  And they usually need more help.  But preschoolers can learn and learn quickly.  Have you ever seen kids at preschool clean up toys so fast during clean up time and then wonder why your kids don’t do that at home?  I’m already strategizing about how to work with the 19 month old and cleaning up his toys.

You might be wondering how they get their toys back.  Well, some have gone away forever.  Others are earned back by doing special jobs around the house.  I don’t tell them ahead of time that they can get a toy back if they do a job.  Usually I’ll just ask them if they can help out and if I get a yes I’ll tell them they can go pick out one toy from the trash bags.  In fact, just this afternoon, my 5 year old helped by taking clothes out of the dryer and he went and got his newest transformer out of time out.  He was thrilled.  

What strategies do I use?  

• I don’t demand they pick up their toys NOW!  I let them choose the time.  They have control over when they pick up.
• I speak calmly.
• I show empathy when they make bad choices and lose their toys that were left on the floor.  
• I don’t lecture them about it.  
• I let the consequences do the talking.  

I’m still learning about teaching my kids about responsibility through their choices and doing it in a loving way.  I figure that I’m not the only mom who feels like she might pull out her hair if she has to pick up toys day in and day out.  I hope that this helps someone out there!

What do you do to get your kids to clean up?  What works for you?  Would you try this at your house?  Why or why not?

*photo courtesy of Swedishcarina*

Happy Earth Day!

The purpose of Earth Day is to promote awareness about the environment and to inspire people to join in the cause to take care of our planet.  There are so many ways to be involved in taking care of our planet that sometimes it can be overwhelming.  It is important to remember that we can all do our part, start slowly, then keep building on the changes we DO make to help reverse some of the problems we have created by NOT taking care of our planet.

For this Earth Day, I want to highlight a book called Healthy Child Healthy World by Christopher Gavigan.  Healthy Child Healthy World is an organization founded by parents Nancy and James Chuda, who lost their daughter, Colette, to a rare form of cancer when she was 5 years old.  They felt like her cancer was triggered by environmental factors and started to research how toxic substances and environmental exposures have an impact on children.  With the help of some friends and family, they started the organization to help educate the public and be an advocate for children and their environmental health. Christopher Gavigan is the CEO and executive director of Healthy Child Healthy World and is comitted to helping families make their homes safer for children.

The chapters cover just about every aspect of making your home a safer, cleaner, greener place for you and your children–even beginning with pregnancy and what you can do to help prepare your home for the baby. First and foremost, the way you eat during your pregnancy has a big impact on you and the baby’s health.  Avoiding preservatives and additives like MSG and artificial food coloring are a good first place to start.  In my birth classes we have one whole class dedicated to nutrition during pregnancy.  Good nutrition is important for everyone–especially when you are growing a baby!

Avoiding chemicals, like phthalates, in (some) lotions and other cosmetics can also help protect the baby. The book offers itself as a guide as you think about everything from baby showers to products to put (or avoid) in the nursery. Gavigan offers specific recipes for replacing the harsh, store bought cleaners with safe, homemade cleaners.  Store bought cleaners have chemicals in them that can cause problems like poisoning, respitory difficulites, organ damage, and deteriorating the freshwater supply.

The book offers interesting information about the ingredients in our beauty supplies–it is enough to make you consider replacing some of the products you probably use on a daily basis.

The chapter on Child’s Play is helpful and a great place for new parents with young children.  We have all been awakened to the idea that perhaps not everyone has the best interests of our children at heart after all those recalls of toys with high levels of lead in them.  Choosing toys, clothes, and baby products is most helpful early on–and gets more difficult later on if you are trying to avoid large amounts of plastic toys (that is from my own experience).  We have a lot of toys in our house–many of them plastic. If I could start over I would have a lot LESS plastic, and more long-lasting toys.   The chapter even has some recipes in it for safe art supplies!

Pets, pesticides, and indoor air pollution is also covered in the book.  I was surprised at how easy and simple some of the ideas were for minimizing and eliminating pests in the household without resorting to the more toxic chemical solutions.  I’m telling you, this book covers everything!  The back of the book is filledwith TONS of resources of retailers and organizations to help you along in your journey to making your home safer and greener.

If you are interested in having a resource on hand, this is a good one to have.  As you read through it, remember: “No one can do everything. Everyone can do something.”

What “green” things do you already do at your house?  Have you read this book? Heard of it? What did you think?

We recently found out that we are expecting baby #4 in December.  When we found out we were pregnant my husband, Jon, started feeling a little nausea if he didn’t eat every few hours.  Or he would just feel like he needed to eat.  Like his stomach needed something more–even though he just ate.  And he started craving things that have sustenance–like cheeseburgers, not carrots.  He describes it as his stomach gets tight and he feels like he might throw up if he doesn’t eat something.  He feels grumpy and just wants to eat.  And he has been craving more sweets.  He is more of a salt guy than a sweets guy so that is a new symptom too.

When he starts telling me all this I can’t help but laugh!  I have felt that way with the last 3 pregnancies!  Yes, I know what it is like to HAVE to eat every few hours or face the porcelain god.  Yes, I know that protein/cheeseburgers are more filling and help you feel better for longer when you are dealing with morning sickness and that the idea of eating veggies and couscous for dinner may not sound appealing.  Yes, I know what it is like to feel like you don’t care what someone is saying because all you can think about is what you need to be putting in your stomach so you don’t feel like you are going to toss your cookies.

We decided that he is experiencing Sympathy Morning Sickness.  And I say, “I’m so thankful!”  Nausea debilitates me.  I have a hard time NOT throwing up and once I start it is hard to stop.  I don’t feel like I have time to figure to mess with what we call “inconvenience sickness”. I have way too much other stuff to do–shuffle 2 kids back and forth from school, do laundry for 5 people, cook meals, keep the house in a somewhat reasonable living condition, and oh yeah, start packing/selling/decluttering our stuff for a move to England later this summer! I digress. Now, truth be told, I am only 6 weeks along and I usually don’t start getting heavy nausea until week 7.  We will see how this whole scene plays out.  Perhaps it will come full force in the next week.  Or maybe, just maybe, he’ll have it the whole time.

Many people have reported similar things. I mentioned it in my birth class on Sunday night and one of my couples said the same thing happened to them.  I found this website where women shared their stories about sympathy morning sickness/pregnancy pains.  Now it is fun to ask couples with kids if they ever experienced that same thing.

So, what about you?  Did your husband experience sympathy morning sickness?  Weight gain? Pregnancy pains? C’mon! Share your stories!

I found that t-shirt from Cafe Press. I thought it was pretty cute .