The Fears of Letting Your Little One Stay Overnight
One of our readers recently sent us this question about sending her son for an overnight stay with his father.
Hi, I wonder if anyone can give me any advice. I separated from my son’s father when I was in early pregnancy. He has had a little contact with him, one visit once a week sometimes once a fortnight. He is now asking for my son to stay with him every other weekend. Naturally at the moment I am planning on telling him that he needs to get more used to his father being around before I can even consider it but I’m probably being really selfish and I don’t want him to go to stay there at all. I don’t think his father will be able to cope and he lives an hour or so away. I’m petrified something bad will happen. Can anyone relieve my fears and give me advice on how to deal with it and how to get my son used to his father being around? I just don’t know what to say.
…………………………………………………
Here is my sister-in-law’s, Denise, response to the question. I asked Denise to write up a response, because I know that she has been in that same situation. I can’t even begin to imagine what kind of fears I would have sending my little one off and establishing a new kind of relationship.
…………………………………………………
When my ex-husband decided he wanted a divorce I was shocked. My first reaction was that he would never see our daughter again. That was obviously not a rational thought. Whatever happened between us she was still ‘our’ child, he had not done anything illegal, and he wanted to be in her life.
Our split happened when she was 2 1/2. She was not ready for an overnight visit at that age. It began with him taking her for 6 hour visits at a time, usually on Saturdays. The next step was a one night visit. Progressively we made it to a Friday-Sunday visit.
Before any of that could happen he and I sat down to discuss ground rules beyond the divorce decree. Things like where and when he would pick her up and drop her off. I wanted consistency.
The one thing that helped me get through all of this has been remembering that she is not just my child. Even thought he had wronged me, I couldn’t penalize our daughter for. She needed/wanted to see her father on a regular basis. When we sat down I asked him to make the decision to either be in her life or not. I told him he couldn’t do it half way, that would not be fair to her. Another important issue was where he stayed, it needed to be kid friendly and safe.
After all of that was settled and she went with him for the first time I had to deal with my emotions. The first few times I was terrified, I cried, and I let my imagination get away from me. What I did the next time was plan things for myself, things that kept my mind busy.
All of this seems to have worked. I have nothing more than a working relationship with her father but she is a well adjusted teenager now. She knows that things did not work out between us but she also knows that both of us lover her fully.
Things have not always been perfect between her father and I. There were many time when we had discussions abot her care but they were just discussions. We made sure not to have them in front of her. I worked very hard not to let my personal feelings for him get in the way.
I know that this answer is long winded and may not fit your personal situation perfectly but hopefully you can take something away that will help you!
Have any of you been in this situation? How did you handle it?
Share the fun: Email + Del.icio.us + Digg + Technorati
I will soon be facing this situation on a regular basis. I already had a taste last summer when my 6 year old daughter went on a camping trip with her dad. Our 2 year old stayed home with me. I am dreading the day when one or both of them begin going on regular overnight visits. I hate the thought. But it’s soon to be a reality. And I will have to face it rationally. And keep my hurt feelings out of it.
I can’t even imagine being in a situation such as this. I have a hard enough time leaving my kids w/ my mother-in-law overnight (and, btw, we have a wonderful relationship and she is a great grandma), and I don’t know how I would deal with the emotional turmoil of an ex-husband taking care of my kids. I think Denise has some wonderful advice, and the key thing is to keep your personal feelings for your ex-husband out of the way (as much as possible, anyway).
Also, if you feel HE is making unreasonable demands on you, it might be helpful to have a non-partisan third party present for your talk regarding ground rules for their father/son visits. Having a mediator can ease tensions and help come to a solution that will work well for both of you.
It breaks my heart that people even have to be in this position. Here’s another question I pose though. Not dealing with split custody—- do you let your (general you) children spend the night at friends houses? In this age of internet porn/ child molestation… is it even a good idea? My brother is a pastor and they just have a rule that their children only stay with family. Reason being they can’t rule out some people and not others… there are people at his church he would never feel safe to have his children stay with but would hate for them to know that because it is more out of discernment than actually having any thing concrete on them…. so what do you do? I feel like these days it is just safer to say no spend the nights… but that may be easier to say with kids 4 and under than when they are older….
One thing that might ease the fears is spending some time at the dad’s house, the three of you. Might not be the most pleasant thing, but if you can see your child interacting in that place, see their bed, get a feel for it, it might make you feel better about the whole situation. I don’t know, maybe you have already done that…
My ex and I broke up when my daughter was almost 2. We worked opposite shifts so he still picked her up from daycare, he just took her to his new place. I would swing by and pick her up on my home from work. She was already asleep, so her moving to spending the whole night wasn’t a big deal for us.
Well we have made a start to getting there but I have told him that it won’t be for at least a year as my son is too young and not ready for it. We are starting by slowly increasing the length of time his father is here then doing the early mornings, then the evenings – which will be the most difficult. His father has also mentioned that he is looking for a new place closer to us which will be better. It still won’t ease my nerves when he does eventually go but I suppose at least I will be nearer. I may do what Denise suggested as well which is plan things for me to do on the nights/days when he won’t be here so I can keep myself busy. It’s selfish to say but I am so glad it is going to take a while before my son is ready for staying over at his father’s. Thanks for all the advice.
Since I went through this tough time in life and I am still going through it I have some advice. The first thing I would do is go through the courts and set up visitation rights if you haven’t already. What is nice about that is usually the courts will not let a child under that age of 3 stay over night, plus it limits the possible arguments that could occur over wanting the child for the weekend. It is very difficult to let your child go, especially for the first weekend; I have to honestly say that I cried my eyes out. My ex-husband just started requesting the 30 days in the summer and that was tough for me. What made it worse is that my daughter would cry for me almost everyday and her father would get upset with her, he even asked me not to call because it made her miss me.
. I too wanted to be selfish and not let her go and tell him “NO you can’t have her,” but in reality she is both of ours and I should be happy that he is in life. Growing up with out my biological father I had a huge hole in my life and I do not want to be the cause for my daughter having the same hole. Although I do not agree with MANY things he does and what he finds ok for my daughter (movies, music, etc) I know he loves her, she is safe, and that she loves him. I have learned to appreciate her more and be thankful that she has two parents that love her instead of just one. Right now it seems impossible and your emotions and imagination are getting the best of you but over time it will not be so bad. I doubt it will every be perfect because nothing ever is but be happy that his father wants to be in his life because there are many that do not have fathers.
[...] the incredible Mommy Zabs commented on one of our posts and brought up the subject of letting your kids spend the night at other people houses. I thought it [...]
I left my emotionally abusive ex husband a year ago when I was five months pregnant. I got an attorney and went to court to establish visitation. Anyone who says the courts are on the mother’s side are completely wrong. The judge awarded my unemployed, loser ex-husband one overnight A WEEK and two mid week visits, I have to drive the 45 minutes to pick her up every other day, only to knock on their door and be verbally abused by my ex’s mother. My little seven month old girl is with him right now. It breaks my heart. I had to hand her to him just hours ago for the overnigh, and as they walked away my little girl was reaching for me, crying over his shoulder. It never gets easier. If you ever need to talk please email me: larissajill@hotmail.com