The Mom Crowd

Choosing a name for your baby can be the one of the most fun and hardest tasks when you are expecting.  As little girls we pick out our children’s names after we dream about our wedding.  Even on my honeymoon in Italy I was constantly picking up Italian names and storing them for future use.

Sometimes we even get upset if a friend uses the name that you have dreamt about your whole life. Remember when Charlotte on Sex in the City went to a baby shower and found out that her friend was going to use her unique, made up name, Shayla?

Some families have naming traditions. My husband is a junior and we will never have a “Third” or “III.” My husband and father-in-law’s accounts are constantly getting confused at the library, car insurance company, and our church. Even with nicknames, for our family having a junior is way too complicated.

My second child is due in about 8 weeks! I have checked out almost every baby name book the library has. At night I pour over these books while adding names to my list.

I have some pretty strict criteria for my child’s name:

1. It has to be easily pronounced in English and Spanish, so both sides of the family can say the name. I really liked the name Andres and when I mentioned it to my Anglo-momma she announced that she would just call him Andy. This of course made me strike it off my list immediately, since I didn’t want an Andy. For our Spanish speakers I have to be careful with J names and names with a double L.

2. I want a name that means something nice.  At least not some horrible meaning like “serpent” or “dimwitted.” I actually like the name Soledad for a girl but the meaning of the name is “to be in solitude”, so that name is off the list.

3. I don’t want the name to be too popular in the United States. When I was born the name Amanda was second in popularity, so there was always two or three Amanda’s in my class. In fact, the other Amanda in my class always hated me, because we had the same name. She became the Mandy, while I stayed just Amanda. I am constantly checking the Social Security Baby Names list. My first baby’s name was 236 in popularity when I named her. Now that name has climbed to 206 in popularity.

4. The girl’s name needs to be feminine and the boy’s name masculine. I know gender-neutral names are incredibly popular and some are beautiful. I just don’t prefer them. When I worked in Human Resources I had to input people into the system and I would have to check off the male or female box with only their name to go off of. I always fretted over getting this wrong. I also didn’t like second-guessing if I should address an applicant through email as “Mr.” or “Ms.” For me; it is all about eliminating confusion.

5. We also take into consideration what their nickname would be and if the name can be fun of very easily. I love checking Baby NamesWorld to find out this information, because they survey people who have that name.

For our second little one we currently only have four names on our list: two boy and two girl names. We have to select a boy and girl name since we didn’t find out the gender. I am currently tired of stressing over this and I am happy with those four. We have only let the names we have picked slip to a limited few and the others will have to wait to be surprised!

How about you? Do you have any strict criteria? Do you care about what other people think about your names? Do you tell what name you picked out before the baby is born? Do you get suggestions from other people? Was it an easy process for you?

This is a quote from a video I saw on Yahoo! this week.  It featured a mom named Erica, who writes for The Boston Globe and a mom website, Bo-Moms.   She was talking about whether or not Facebook makes you a bad mom.  The interview highlighted the pros and cons of online interaction with friends throughout the day, namely through Facebook, and concluded that, like any other hobby that a mom has, it is healthy – in moderation.

I enjoyed the interview, basically because I felt like I could relate to Erica so well.  She shared a story about her 2-year old physically grabbing her hand off of her mouse in an attempt to get her attention.  Yeah, occasionally things like that happen around here.  

I am a huge fan of Facebook.  It is a great way for me to stay connected to all of my dear, distant friends – and like the moms mentioned in the video, it helps me feel connected to the world outside my own little house.  I occasionally have an intelligent thought rattling around my brain – one not related to grilled cheese sandwiches or potty-training – and I relish the opportunity to share those thoughts with someone older than the age of 3.  Facebook is fabulous for that.

I always hear people say, “It’s a time-waster!” Yes, it certainly can be!  The key is however much time we spend on Facebook or any other internet activity is really our choice.  The interview discusses this: making a plan that suits your family best, whether it’s to get online for 30 minutes a day or to wait till the kids are asleep (which is what I do), and to keep family time the first priority.  If it’s something that keeps your emotional well-being strong, it’s not a bad thing.  Erica also says that “you’ll just know” if it’s taking too much of your time, the same way we try to keep our other hobbies in check.  At that point, we should just turn off the computer and settle in doing something else (with the kids!).

Do you use Facebook?  Do you like it?  How do you keep a healthy balance of internet time (or “me” time) and family time?  All practical suggestions are welcome!

Postpartum doula services have been around for several years now.  When I hear of women talk about doulas they usually refer to birth doulas and not postpartum doulas.  I know that most of our readers are moms—some of you pregnant with your first child, others with your second, third (or more!), or have friends who are pregnant.  I thought that I would highlight some of the benefits of a postpartum doula for any of you who are interested in hiring one for yourself, a friend, or a family member.

For any readers who are not familiar with a birth doula (Greek for “a woman who serves”), a doula is hired by a mother and father to provide additional labor support to the mother.  The doula’s job is not to take away from the father’s role during the birth, but is there to offer suggestions for coping with contractions and to help the parents follow their birth plan.  A birth doula also provides emotional support and helps parents make informed decisions during the birth.

A postpartum doula helps with newborn care, breastfeeding, meal preparation, some light housework, help siblings, and general education of caring for newborns. One of the couples (and now friends) from my birth classes had a difficult birth and decided to hire a postpartum doula to help with the transition of becoming a mother and being at home with the baby.  The mother and father have their own business so the dad wasn’t able to take a huge amount of time off to help her recover from the birth and take care of her and the baby.  Their extended family situation is unique (and not necessarily helpful) and they felt like they would benefit from the services of a postpartum doula.

The doula service they hired required a minimum of 15 hours and the hours of service are flexible.  My friend has found it to be such a blessing.  It has been great for my friend to not have to worry about making lunches or doing some simple tidying around the house.  In my birth class we cover newborn care in the last class.  I pass out a worksheet that covers how much time it takes to take care of a baby (and yourself). Parents are usually surprised that taking care of a baby takes so much time away from those daily tasks of laundry and meal making.  Hiring a postpartum doula can take some of that extra stress away from the new parents.

As she was telling me her birth story and talking about her postpartum doula, I thought that hiring a postpartum doula for a 2nd, 3rd, or even 4th time mom would be a blessing.  Most mammas get a baby shower when they are pregnant with their first baby.  And many mammas have friends and family who arrange for meals to be brought to the house after a baby arrives.  I thought that in addition to bringing meals that a group of friends could pool some money together and hire a postpartum doula for a friend.  1st time or 4th time mammas would benefit from such a great gift!

Postpartum doulas are often flexible in their schedules and can come a few times a week, a few hours daily or however a family wants to work it. Doulas are professionals who have received several hours of training and are trained to be supportive to a family’s parenting style.  If you are planning on hiring a doula for your postpartum care, you can interview or meet them before choosing them.  To find a postpartum doula in your area you can go to the DONA website and look up more information on doulas.

So, what do you think?  Have you had a postpartum doula? Know anyone who has?  What was your experience?

- photo courtesy of genevieve_southern

Pregnancy Lesson #236  – If you are hugely pregnant and you have to pee, don’t hold it. It is physically impossible to hold it, so don’t even try.

You never know when you will be holding your pee, doing just one more thing before the going to the restroom and your husband comes along and makes you laugh. Its starts off innocently with just a drop and you think, “It’s okay, it’s just a drop.” But you are still laughing and it keeps going. Then you are laughing because you are actually peeing and you see your husband realize that you are in fact wetting your pants.

Mortified you just stand there. Luckily you are happy that you are standing on the tile in the kitchen. You look down and realize that your favorite flip-flops are getting wet so you widen your stance a bit so they don’t get even more wet than they already are. You chant to yourself, “Pee is sterile. It can be washed. It can be washed.”

After it is all said and done your husband valiantly cleans the pee in the kitchen and watches the toddler. All while you shower and put your favorite jeans and flip-flops in the washer.

When you get over the shock of what just happened you are just thankful that it didn’t happen outside of your home, that no one else was in the house and it happened on the tile. You vow to never hold your pee again.

Um, yeah, this all happened to me this evening right before dinner! hahaa

Our family cannot leave the house without at least two people wanting to know if my 4 year old and 2 year old are twins.  While my children are separated by 2 years and 3 months, because my oldest has Down syndrome, they are about the same size and are at about the same level in many developmental areas.  My youngest child learned how to walk six months after my firstborn learned how to walk and we have been in “twin mode” ever since.  It’s been exhausting and rewarding all at the same time! There is a constant pursuit among mothers of all races, religions, cultures, and backgrounds to find the magical interval between pregnancies.

“Baby Bunching” seems to be a growing trend among mothers.  “Baby Bunching” is a term two mothers have coined to describe siblings who are less than two years apart.  Linda and Cara have a blog devoted to mothers of “twiblings.”   Their blog contains articles that address the experiences of parenting children who are very close in age.  While my children are a few months out of the spacing requirements of “official baby bunchers,”I can most certainly appreciate the challenges, rewards, and unique chaos that baby bunchers experience due to my children being developmentally very close to each other, even though their chronological age is over two years.

Some of the benefits of having children who are close developmentally I have found is you get the pregnancy and newborn stages over and behind you in one swoop.  Not that I didn’t enjoy my pregnancies, but there are some things I don’t want to do forever!  Another advantage to having “twiblings” is our children play with the same toys and have the same interests.  We never had to hide our older child’s choking hazard toys from our curious crawler.  In our house everyone still naps {or at least goes to their room for an hour for quiet time}.  My firstborn was so easy going, that the transition from one to two children was really easy.  Our first child adjusted so well to her new brother, and I believe that in part is because she was younger.  One of my favorite things about having children close in age is their love for each other.  It is becoming more difficult to distinguish who has the dominant role in their relationship and they have a two sided adoration for each other at a very young age.

Some of the challenges I have found in having children so close in age is the toddler stage is tough all the way around!  Both of my children are constantly going  in separate directions.  If nap time/quiet time gets skipped, I have TWO incredibly angry toddlers who I cannot yet bribe with McDonalds.  I have to do everything twice, many times each day…change two diapers, make sure two children make it safely up and down the stairs, clean up two messes of everything, work on potty training with two children at a time, etc… I pray to God imagine that the toddler stage is probably one of the hardest in baby bunching.  There are moments when I daydream about adopting a seven year old girl to help me with my little “twiblings!”  It may be an illusion, but it seems like my friends who have spaced their children a few years apart have an easier time doing simple things like grocery shop and go on trips to the park.  However, it may just be my cynacism that has evolved from having two toddlers.

What are some other opinions on child spacing?

• Dr. Sears said it best when he said, “There is seldom the ideal time for a child. If we always waited for ‘the perfect time’ to have a child, we would probably have two instead of eight.”  He recommends spacing them two or three years apart if you have a baby who is a high needs baby in an effort to avoid parent burn out and to give parents more energy to devote to that more demanding child.  However, if you have an easy infant, spacing them very close in age typically works great, according to Dr. Sears!
• The New England Journal of Medicine believes that spacing children 18-23 months has the healthiest outcomes for both mom and baby.  Low birthweight, prematurity, and small sized babies are higher risks in children spaced less than 18 months and more than 23 months apart.
• Some argue that having children three years apart is the magical child spacing number.  They say that the older child is old enough to understand more about their new sibling’s arrival, yet they are close enough in age to grow up playing together.

While it’s fun to weigh pros and cons of different child spacing philosophies, I think this is such a personal decision for each family and what works for some families doesn’t always work for all families.  Also, there are outside factors parents should consider before choosing to have another child; most importantly, the health of their relationship with one another.

What do you think is the magic child spacing age difference?  What have you liked about the spacing between your children?  What has been challenging about their age differences?