The Mom Crowd

Some say the most difficult transition of having children is moving from 0 children to 1 child.  Some say it is when you move from one to two.  Others say adding the 3rd is the most difficult and adding more after that is a piece of cake.

For me, it was transition from 1 to 2 children.  We found out we were pregnant with our second child when our first was 7 months old.  We were a little shocked since we weren’t exactly planning on having another baby so soon.  We call him our “gift we didn’t know to ask for”.  They were supposed to be 16 months apart but Isaac (the second) was born 6 weeks early.  He spent 2 weeks in the NICU with some minor complications.

Having a 14 month old and a preemie was difficult for me.  Isaac was very jaundiced when he came home so he slept a lot the first few weeks.  After that he became more high needs and needed physical contact almost 24 hours a day.  I struggled with feeling guilty that I couldn’t always meet my oldest son’s needs right away.  I remember realizing that there were going to be many days that someone would have to wait while I met the other child’s needs–and that often meant that someone would be crying.  Due to the circumstances of the children being so close together and one being premature and high needs resulted in some post partum depression.  I was sleep deprived, still transitioning to being a stay at home mom, and found parenting to be quite a challenge.  Things started to get better when Isaac was 7 or 8 months old.

We wanted to give ourselves a break before having another baby.  Sometimes my husband would joke about getting pregnant right away again so we could just get it all over with.  I think my eyes turned red and tried to shoot lasers at him.  It took us a little longer to get pregnant with our third baby and the age gap between #2 and #3 is 35 months.  We weren’t sure if #3 would be our last baby and I had the attitude that I would enjoy my third as if it were my last baby. That attitude helped me to enjoy all my kids, and especially my third.  It helped me get through all those sleep deprived nights.

I found that adding a third was not as difficult as I thought it would be.  Adding a child to a family causes the whole family to transition since everyone’s role changes.  Responsibilities change between the parents, the former youngest child is now the middle child (or one of the middle children), the older child gains more responsibility and higher expectations.  It is a big shift in a family–unless you are the Duggers–they seem to transition very easily!

Keep in mind this is our experience with going from Man-on-Man parenting to Zone parenting!

Here is what we did that helped us get through those early days of having three kids:

I wore the baby in a sling a LOT.  It made life aound the house run so much smoother.

We had meals brought to us by friends and people from our church.  We also planned ahead and had some meals in the freezer.  Those were all lifesavers!

Both older kids were still napping during the day and went to bed at the same time.  Their bedtime routine continued as normal and their dad did all the bedtime stuff while I handled the baby, dinner, and dishes.

The two older boys spent a lot of extra time with daddy while I handled the baby.  (i.e. Running errands on a Saturday or Sunday afternoon, making a quick trip to the store after getting home in the evening)

Friends offered to take our oldest to preschool two days a week and we were responsible for the third day. Graham (the third) was born on Labor Day so school for Ewan started two days after.  Having friends take Ewan to school and bring him home was super helpful.  Carpooling is awesome!

Some challenges and things to be aware of:

We found it difficult to bathe our third child regularly. For so long the older two had bathed together and gone to bed either at the same time or within a half hour of each other that we just couldn’t seem to fit the baby into the bathing schedule. I am so embarrassed to admit this but sometimes I wouldn’t remember when I had last bathed him–we were doing well if he got bathed once a week!  I finally figured out that I could bathe the baby in the morning and when the baby was about 4 or 5 months old and have more of a regular bedtime I would just move all the dinner dishes on the counter and bathe the baby in the sink while the older two were getting their baths after dinner.

When our oldest dropped his nap we started letting the middle child nap less. Eventually we dropped his nap for him because it was difficult to juggle three different bedtimes.  It was easier to deal with a little extra grumpiness in the afternoon and put both the older boys to bed early at the same time.

Our third child has done a lot of things earlier than our other two did–like eat cookies, ice cream, candy.  I am not big into junkfood for the kids but if the baby (who is almost 2) sees his older brothers eating a piece of candy, he wants to do it too.  He desperately wants to be a big boy and fit in with his bubbas.  I don’t let him get everything he wants by any means, but I am much more relaxed about letting the baby do things than I was with the other two.

My parenting is different with our third than it was with our first. We did a lot of things by trial and error with Ewan and now I am much more comfortable with being a mom.  I think I am a better mom than I was when I first started out. I understand more about kids, the ups and downs of different ages, my own limitations, and some things that seemed to be such a big deal aren’t such big deals to me anymore.   Being a parent is a lot of on the job training, isn’t it?

My house got messier. Now, I like to think that part of that was because we lived in a 4 story house and it was just hard to keep clean (looking back, I think we just had too much stuff in a 4 story house that was hard to keep clean).  My husband said to me one day, “If I come home and the house is a mess but you and the kids are happy–that is fine with me.  I’d rather come home to that than have you stressed out all day keeping everything clean all the time and being grumpy when I get home.”  There were many days I took his gracious attitude.

Having some special things to look forward to during the week helped me get through the monotony of day to day life with the kids. Living in a state that had a very long winter was difficult so the different activities really helped.  I went to a craft group on Monday mornings with some other ladies.  Some brought their children and they all played while we crafted and talked.  I went to a play group at least once a week.  We also joined my husband up at his school for family lunch day once a week.  All the kids from the school would run around and play together and it gave me a chance to be involved in the community. I had two things during the week that I did apart from my kids: I went to a Bible study and taught birth classes.

I got over the fear of taking all three kids out at the same time. In order for me to feel like a sane, normal person I have to get out of the house.  Sure, it was stressful sometimes and didn’t always feel worthwhile but having all three kids out and about became the norm.

Having two (or more) older children to entertain the baby and play with him can be a lifesaver. There have been many times that the two older boys have played peek-a-boo with Graham while I finished making dinner or lunches.  I imagine that if my kids had more spacing between them they could even be more helpful.

The more children you have, the more difficult it is to get one on one time with them. McKenna wrote a great article this week about spending special alone time with your children.  It gets more challenging but it is so worth it–and the older the kids get, the more they appreciate it.  My 6 and 4 year old always say they love it when it is “just me and mommy” or “just me and daddy”.  Admittedly, I struggle with this issue. I worry about my kids not getting enough individual time with us, but I think that overall it is more important for me to engage with them daily with quality time, regardless of who else is around.  I read a study that even if parents spend 15 minutes of quality time engaging with their children by getting eye-to-eye and talking or enjoying an activity together it makes a difference in children’s perceptions of feeling loved and cared for.

I don’t want this article to sound all doom and gloom–there are definitely challenges and some are quite different depending on the age gap between children.  Children are a gift and wonderful to have.  For all the challenges that having a child brings, there is 10X more joy that comes with it. My kids bring me delight and we spend a great deal of time laughing together as we celebrate each other and all our family inside jokes.

If you are considering having a third child but don’t know if you can do it, I say GO FOR IT!  It can seem so daunting before you get pregnant–or while you are pregnant with your third for that matter–but somehow it works itself out.  You find a new family routine, your children adjust, your spouse adjusts, you adjust.  It just works–like magic.

Are you considering having a third? What are some of your fears or considerations? If you already have a third (or more) did you have some of the same challenges?  Don’t be shy!  Tell us your story!

It’s midnight and your baby/toddler is wide awake… for the third time.  He had his nap today, but was waken up 40 minutes after falling asleep by the UPS man ringing the doorbell.  He should be exhausted and sleeping soundly, right? 

Many of us, I’m sure, have experienced similar situations with our kids.  It seems contrary to rational thought and reasoning that a child who is sleep deprived won’t sleep.  However, Kim West, author of Good Night, Sleep Tight, suggests that there is actually a physiological reason for this phenomena.  She says that your child’s “adrenal glands send out a rush of cortisol, a stress related hormone that will overstimulate your baby…” making them agitated and more difficult to soothe.  At bedtime, they will most likely be harder to get to sleep and “the cortisol and overtiredness team up to make it harder for him to stay asleep.  He is more likely to wake up at night, and to wake up too early in the morning before he is truly rested.”  In other words, good sleep begats good sleep, and well, bad sleep begats no sleep!  The better your little one sleeps during the day, the better they will sleep at night.

So the most obvious question is how to avoid this torturous cycle.  Here are a few suggestions I have tried and usually find helpful:

- Stick to your routine as much as possible. There will obviously be some days that you just can’t be home at your child’s exact nap time, but try to at least be somewhere your child can have a quiet resting time and put them down for a nap as soon as you get home.

- If your child wakes from nap too early, DO EVERYTHING YOU CAN TO GET THEM BACK TO SLEEP!  If it means rocking them, back patting, or an extra cup of milk, it’s worth it in the longrun for everyone that they get that needed sleep!

- Watch for your child’s sleep cues and act quickly!  Sometimes the problem comes from delaying nap and giving the child an opportunity to get their “second wind”.  If their normal nap time is after lunch, but it’s an hour before lunch and you notice yawning and eye rubbing, consider an early lunch or delaying lunch until after nap.  Missing that nap window can be disastrous!

The most important things to remember are that this is bound to happen at some point, but you should do your best not to make it a habit and that you CAN get your sweet sleeper back into their normal sleep routine.  It may take a day or so, but you can get your sleep (and sanity) back.  Sweet dreams!

What tricks do you have to avoid this vicious sleep cycle?  How do you handle it once you are in the cycle?

Photo is of my little boy, Andrew, after a disaster nap when he was 7 months old. 

Since the addition of our third child, the amount of one-on-one time with my children has decreased quite a bit.  Over the summer I have tried very hard to find time to spend with each child one-on-one.  I’ve been amazed at how short spurts of one-on-one time with my children have really deepened my relationships with them.  My children are so little, but the simplest forms of quality time have really meant a lot to them and to me.   This summer, I have taken advantage of having a very wonderful, reliable babysitter.  My children have a TON of doctor’s visits and I have strived to have a sitter watch my other two children during one of my children’s appointments so I could focus on them during that time (and so my other children didn’t have to hang out at a boring doctor’s office).  I’ve taken my child out for lunch or ice cream or a playground trip after the appointment so we could do something fun together.  This has been a great opportunity for me to spend some quality one-on-one time with my children.  I’ve also let the baby stay up a little later then her big brother and sister since she tends to be the least demanding of my three during the day.  My oldest child rarely naps, so before she has a rest time, her and I spend some one-on-one time together after I lay down the younger two kids for their naps.  It requires a little creativity and discipline to find time to spend one-on-one with each of my children, but we are all the better for it when I make the time for them. 

Here are some ways (simple and elaborate) you can spend one-on-one time with your child

• Go on an overnight camping trip with your child (or rent a hotel room for just the two of you)
• Take your child with you on your run in the jogging stroller
• Have a movie date
• Feed ducks at the lake
• Surprise your child by showing up at their school to eat lunch with them
• Sign up to help with your child’s next school field trip
• Let your child stay up later than his/her siblings to spend some special time with Mommy and/or Daddy
• Let your early bird climb into your bed when they wake up and have some snuggle time with him or her
• When your son or daughter asks if they can go with you when you leave to run errands, say “YES!!!”
• If your child has a doctor appointment, hire a sitter for the other children so you can use the time in the waiting room one-on-one with your child.  And head out for ice cream afterward! 

How have you found ways to spend one-on-one time with your child? 

I live in San Antonio, TX, home to the Alamo, warm weather, and Mexican food. Naturally, a cold margarita goes with the latter two. When I was pregnant with my first child all I wanted was a cold, sour, lime margarita from Paloma Blanca. So before we started trying for our second child my husband treated me to one of those margaritas, because I knew it was going to be a while before I could have another one after pregnancy and breastfeeding.

Each breastfeeding expert seems to have a different stance on drinking alcohol. March of Dimes says absolutely no drinking. La Leche League says to consider factors such as your weight, the baby’s weight and age, the amount consumed and how long after drinking you nurse. Dr. Jack Newman says some alcohol is okay, “Prohibiting alcohol is another way we make life unnecessarily restrictive for nursing mothers.”  Other folks say as long you don’t feel drunk you are okay to nurse. Each mother needs to weigh the risks and decide for themselves.

In my own experience I don’t drink any alcohol until my baby is sleeping through the night and down to about 2 or 3 feedings a day. This way I can be sure that I am not putting my baby in any unnecessary risk.  While I wait a few months until that time comes I have to find other ways to enjoy a night out, relax, or have fun at party.

Here are 5 alternatives to drinking alcohol while pregnant.

1. Enjoy a non-alcoholic drink.

When I was pregnant and on a date with my husband I sometimes felt silly ordering a virgin strawberry daiquiri. It wasn’t the same. I would suggest ordering a special lemonade or any other kind of fruity beverage. Maybe even the waiter could help choose a good non-alcoholic drink from the bar that is not on the menu. If you live near a Sonic Drive-In, stop by and get a fun beverage before a party.

You can also make your own fun drink at home. Here are 5 recipes from the 734 non-alcoholic drinks listed on drinksmixer.com:

Bora Bora

serve in Highball Glass
Scale ingredients to servings
10 cl pineapple juice
6 cl passion-fruit juice
1 cl lemon juice
1 cl grenadine syrup
Prepare in a blender or shaker, serve in a highball glass on the rocks. Garnish with 1 slice of pineapple and one cherry.

Afterglow

Serve in Highball Glass
Scale ingredients to servings
1 part grenadine syrup
4 parts orange juice
4 parts pineapple juice
ice
Mix. Serve over ice.

Canadian Pride

Scale ingredients to servings
2/3 oz maple syrup
3 oz grapefruit juice
3 oz dry ginger ale
Shake and strain into a collins glass three-quarters filled with broken ice. Add the ginger ale, and garnish with a slice of grapefruit.

Classy Cricket

serve in Collins Glass
4 oz pineapple juice
1 oz creme de coconut
1 splash cranberry juice
2 grenadine syrup
1 oz cherry juice
cherry garnish
In Collins glass, or tall cocktail glass, add all ingredients over ice. Transfer to shaker and shake well. Pour entire contents into glass and serve. You may garnish with a Marischino Cherry if desired.

Lemon Daisy

serve in White Wine Glass
Scale ingredients to servings
3/4 oz fresh lemon juice
1/2 oz grenadine syrup
1/2 oz simple syrup
7-Up® soda
soda water
Stir the lemon juice, grenadine and simple syrup together in a white wine glass. Add ice, top with equal parts 7-up and soda water, and serve.

2. Chocolate, Ice Cream or Dessert

Unwind in the evenings with a piece of chocolate. Splurge on a fancy chocolate bar. Make some brownies. Enjoy a small bowl of ice cream. I recently bought a bag of semi-sweet chocolate chips. I  leave my bag of chocolate chips in the fridge and I snack on a few every now and then. If you are out on a date get dessert instead of a drink. You may not get to enjoy a fizzy or icy beverage, but you can look forward to the delight of a delicious dessert at the end of a meal.

3. Tonic Water with a Lemon

This tip comes from personaltrainerz.com if you are going out to a bar with friends and you don’t want to make a big deal about not drinking. (Although, I can’t remember the last time I have done that!) The author says, “Take a moment to talk to the bartender, tip him a little and make sure he keeps you full or Tonic Water & Lemon all night. Your buddies will think it’s a Gin & Tonic or Vodka Tonic and won’t give you much lip.”

4. Order an appetizer

If you aren’t into sweets and having a dinner at a restaurant order a yummy appetizer that you wouldn’t normally order. Sometimes, I am bummed that I can’t order a drink while my husband enjoys his beverage.  So I will treat myself to a little something extra to make up for it.

5. Enjoy an activity that relaxes you

Mothers want a glass of wine or a little something to unwind from the day. Instead of using a beverage to unwind find an activity that will help. This could be reading a book, taking a long shower, watching your favorite TV show (*cough* Late Night With Jimmy Fallon), having a quiet time, or taking a walk.

Sometimes it does stink when you want a drink and you can’t have one, but the benefits of breastfeeding is worth it! I am always encouraged that I won’t be breastfeeding forever. While I love that I get to breastfeed, I am glad it comes to an end eventually!

What decision have you made about drinking alcohol while breastfeeding? What do you do instead of drinking? Do ever feel bummed that you can’t sometimes?

Sponsor Saturdays is a new feature on The Mom Crowd. Each Saturday we will be highlighting one of our six sponsors.

*** Keep reading all the way to the end to find out how you can win a personalized nursery art canvas signed by the artist! ***

Cathy Heck Nursery Art is one of our newest sponsors on The Mom Crowd.  This online store is like an art gallery for the nursery.  Cathy Heck is a mom to three lovely girls, wife to a school administrator and full-time illustrator.  Cathy has been creating products for the juvenile industry for twenty years–in fact, over two million babies own a Cathy Heck baby book!  Cathy has just introduced her new interactive online shop, where you can personalize nursery art using Cathy’s cuddly characters, as well as purchase limited edition prints from her most requested collections. I had a wonderful chance to interview Cathy this week about what inspires her art and her new online store!

Amanda: You have been an illustrator for many years. What inspired you to open your own store online?
Cathy: Until now, my artwork has always been licensed to other companies which manufacture all kinds of products from baby books to bedding. But, I have never actually sold any of those products myself.

Well, a couple of summers ago, my daughter, Ellen, was working for me while she was in college, and we were adapting our Zoophabet® collection, which is a group of cuddly critters and their matching alphabet letters, for scrapbooking kits.  Just for fun, we printed them on square pieces of canvas spelling out names of babies we knew.  We were able to mix and match the letters with many different characters and borders, because I had created lots of artwork to fill the pages of the baby books.  We thought, “Wouldn’t it be fun for parents to create their own customized canvases by combining all of our art pieces to coordinate with their nurseries?”  And, since technology was catching up to our idea, we gave it a try. It has taken a couple of years to create the kind of interactive site that allows the parents to see the art as they create it, but that just gave us more time to add more collections.

The best part is that we can make the canvases right here in our own studio, and ship directly to the new baby.  It’s like sending out little presents all the time!

A:  Where do you find your inspiration for your nursery art?
C: Everywhere!  My nursery art is usually a blend of fun characters and an exciting color theme.  Sometimes I start with a character, and sometimes I start with a group of colors. For example, this summer, I had a fun vacation to San Francisco and went to the Farmer’s Market at the Ferry Building.  There were some buckets of super-sized hydrangeas there in every shade of pink and lavender that you can imagine.  I will definitely store that set of colors away for a new all-girl collection!  For my characters, I usually work from photographs of real animals, and I draw them and redraw them until they are ready for a baby to hug!  Sometimes, I am inspired by a personality, like that of our new puppy, for example.  He is a rescue pup, and, frankly, he is a little goofy-looking (but we adore him all the same) … and I am certain he will end up starring somewhere in my work!

A:  What has been your favorite project? Why?
C: This sounds like a non-answer … but every new project is a favorite project. There is just something exhilirating about starting something new … when I pull out a fresh piece of blank paper, the possibilities are endless and I just can’t wait to get started!

A:  The personalized art on your site is very unique. Can you tell me more about the personalization feature?
C: It’s just plain ol’ fun!  You can personalize in many different ways, but my favorite is to spell out the name of the child with different canvases.  We designed the site so that you can see how it will look instantly.  Another great aspect of some of the collections is that you can choose from lots of characters and several borders so that you can make each canvas exactly as you want. It’s also entertaining to let the big sister or big brother help create the new baby’s first artwork.  And it’s easy enough to let a child create his or her own. In fact, recently, we received an order for a name created by a precious 4-year old for her new big-girl princess room!

A:  I noticed that your daughter, Ellen, works closely with you in your company. How do you like working with your daughter?
C: I LOVE working with Ellen.  In a way, I have been working with Ellen ever since she could hold a pencil!  In fact, all of our girls have always had a place to create in the studio.  And, they have all three helped with the many tasks that go along with having a studio, some of which, are not quite as exciting as a new drawing!  But, happily, Ellen decided that the world of art was still a great one, and after she graduated from the Chicago Art Institute, she continued working in the studio, just like she did when she was three, only her drawing skills are a bit improved!!

A:   Finally, since you are a mom, what advice would you give to new mothers?
C: Read together and hug often!

*** Win one 12″ x 12″ Inscription Nursery Art Canvas signed by the artist! (Pictured below) We have a winner!

Here is how to enter:

• Go to the Cathy Heck Nursery Art website, pick your favorite collection, and come back here and write in the comments of this post which is your favorite collection!

A winner will be chosen at random and announced next Saturday on August 22. Good luck!

A special promotion code for the The Mom Crowd readers! Enjoy 25% off your entire purchase before shipping and handling when you shop at cathyhecknurseryart.com. Code: momcrowd89

WINNER: Rachel!