The Mom Crowd

Empty nest syndrome is upon you. Are you ready to let your children fly on your own? Are you prepared for what this will mean for your life as well?

As a mother you have always been used to being there to do everything from clean up scraped knees to wipe up tears to tuck your children into bed at night with a kiss and a wish for a good night’s sleep. But now the time has come to let them go. It can be a trying time for both of you. Your grown children are embarking upon their adult futures and you must step aside and let them live their adult lives. That can be difficult for any mother who is used to being hands on with everything.

Just like baby birds, all children must grow up and leave home in order to develop into happy and healthy adults. Just as the adult children are starting down a new path so can the parents who are experiencing a phenomenon that is known as empty nest syndrome. What is this syndrome exactly and how do you cope with it?

What is Empty Nest Syndrome?

Empty nest syndrome is the name that has been given to the combination of mixed emotions that many parents feel when their last or only child leaves home to start a new chapter in their life. With a nest that is now empty many parents find the transition difficult to cope with.

Older women and women over 40 in the past used to experience empty nest syndrome more readily than men because traditionally they were the primary caregivers for their children. In today’s society many men also play a paramount role in raising their children and therefore are struck by a maelstrom of emotions as well when they become empty nesters. However for single mothers empty nest syndrome can be even more difficult because there is no other parent –and spouse- in the picture.

Coping with Change

While change and separation may not be easy for you it is necessary for your son or daughter to leave your home and start an adult life of their own. While you will still be an important part of your adult child’s life you now must forge a relationship that is more adult in nature. You need to view this syndrome in as positive a light as possible. Talk with your adult child about the changes this will bring to your relationship and prepare yourself for the new adventures that lie ahead for you both.

Now is the time for you to put more energy and effort into your marriage and to bring the focus back more on just the two of you.  Once you become empty nesters you and your spouse can enjoy privacy in your home, reignite the romance in your relationship and may decide to put some long anticipated travel plans into play.

What to Do About Your Empty Nest

It is smart to plan in advance of the day that you will see your child off to his or her new start down the adulthood path. Talk to your daughter or son about the future. Assure him/her that this is what is supposed to take place. Be encouraging and supportive.

In the same way, before empty nest syndrome sets in talk to your spouse about the changes that are about to occur. Think about how you want to face the future together and what you would like to do. You may be surprised to discover that you and your spouse are on the same wavelength regarding your future dreams and plans.

Do not make any big changes in your life or lifestyle right away when you are entering the stage of life when you will become empty nesters. It takes the average person anywhere from a year and a half to two years to adjust to their child being gone. Give yourself time to get used to the changes before you decide to do something major. After that, do what you wish to move forward!

Your kids observe the use of money from an early age and want to be able to use it themselves. Teaching them about the importance of money and the exchange of money for goods is a lesson that starts long before they enter school. Children learn quickly about what money is and what it is used for. Before long they want money of their own so they can purchase things that they want to have such as candy and toys. Children also observe the gift giving process at special occasions such as Christmas time and birthdays and want to be able to have some money to take part in this as well.

Off to the Right Start

As a mother you should not be frightened or bothered when you child wants to earn money of his own but you should feel a sense of pride. Everyone must start somewhere when it comes to the use of money and one place that is good for youngsters to start is selling glasses of juice or lemonade for a few cents from a homemade stand that you set up for you child in the front yard. You can oversee the whole process and it can serve as a valuable lesson for your son or daughter.

Another small way to teach your young child about money is if you child wants to sell something that he owns to another child in order to have money to buy something else that he wants even more. You have to make sure that the trade is fair for both children but it serves as a means of teaching your child about how money works.

Whenever you child expresses to you that he or she wants to buy something, whether it be a toy truck, a Barbie doll, a coloring book or an electronic gadget this offers an opportunity to teach you son or daughter about the value of money and about the responsible use of money.

Financial Lessons for Children

You need to teach your little one that money must be earned. Your child learns this by example when he observes you going to work every day or observes you working at home if you run a small business from your residence. You need him to realize that hard work is needed to earn money, as is commitment, energy and lots of effort. Make sure that the money lessons you impart are age appropriate. You do not want to confuse or overwhelm your child when he or she is too young to understand the concepts involving money.

When you give your child an allowance for doing chores around the house this demonstrates how money works and it provides a solid foundation for the equation hard work equals money earned. You need for him to realize that earning money becomes more complicated as you get older and earning a living for a family is different than just having some spending money for the weekend. Once again though, make sure that the financial lessons are suitable for your child’s age.

Talk About Money with Kids

Talk to your child about money and make yourself available to answer any questions he may have. If there are opportunities to get him involved in your money making endeavors then do so. For instance if you are involved in a church or group that has bake sales then let your child join in with helping you bake cookies, cupcakes or muffins. If you help out at book sales or other sales to raise money for good causes then bring your son or daughter along to see how this takes place. You may not be earning the money yourself but when you do this you show him that charitable giving and earning money to help others makes a difference as well.

As a mother there are a few topics that can be difficult and uncomfortable to talk about with your teenage son or daughter. However as difficult as they may be, some discussions are necessary and must take place. One of these is a frank discussion about alcohol and drinking amongst your teen’s peer group.

This is a subject that you should not put off having until your teen is in the latter part of his/her teens- instead have the talk as early as possible!

Don’t wait until your teen starts to drink without your knowledge and worse, become an alcoholic who will need to enter alcohol rehab programs for treatment. Talk to them now.

Talking Openly and Honestly

Parents are often in the dark about drinking among teenagers. They also vastly underestimate the extent to which teenagers drink, as well as how early they begin to experiment with alcohol. Teen drinking however is not something that you have to automatically accept will take place. You can talk with your teenager and discuss the risks as well as the health consequences that go along with the consumption of alcohol. It is also important to encourage and support your teen son or daughter in making decisions that are right for him or her.

Having a frank discussion (or a number of discussions if need be) with your teen is not always easy. In fact it can be nerve wracking not just for you but also for your teenager! You may be uncertain as to how to approach the topic and not know exactly what you should say about it. Your teenager on the other hand may try to dodge your attempts at conversing on the subject and may become distant or evasive when you begin to talk. Don’t be surprised if your teen rolls his or her eye a couple of times or does not seem very interested in the conversation that is taking place. As a mother you are used to this by now, are you not?

Planning the Time and Place

Choose a time to talk when the two of you are both feeling calm and relaxed. Do not choose a time when either of you are distracted or stressed by other things. You need to have a clear head when you broach the subject of alcohol with your son or daughter.

This also goes for the place where you will have the discussion. Choose somewhere that is quiet, calm and free of distractions and/or interruptions. Do not overwhelm yourself by feeling that you must touch on every aspect related to the subject of teen drinking. In fact it is better if you break the conversation down into parts and have more than one talk about this important issue. Having shorter discussions can help both of you to feel even more relaxed and focused on the subject at hand.

Getting the Discussion Underway

It would be wise if you began the conversation by finding out how much your teen knows about alcohol in general. Then you can ask him to share his views about alcohol. Listen carefully to what your teen has to say regarding his thoughts, opinions and ideas about this subject. Listen carefully.

Once you have listened then you get to have the floor. Provide the necessary facts to your teenager. Tell him that alcohol is a drug that has a very powerful and disruptive effect on both the body and the mind. Tell him that alcohol is very addictive and anyone can fall victim to it- including individuals in his age group.

Keep in mind as you talk that many teenagers believe that alcohol can help them to fit in with the popular crowd at school and can also help them to feel happier and more fulfilled in their lives. Teenagers harbor many fallacies about alcohol and often see its allure but not its downside. As a parent you need to debunk these misconceptions in the gentlest manner possible. Let your teen know that alcohol is a depressant that can cause them to feel depressed, sad and /or angry. Let them know that even though alcohol is legal it acts on the nervous system in negative ways.

Keep the Discussion on a Positive Note

Keep your teenager’s self-respect in mind as you communicate why drinking is not a good idea. Be as positive as possible. Do not attempt to threaten your teen and do not use scare tactics to warn him off of drinking. These tactics rarely if ever work and they are simply not a good argument for the case that you are trying to build. What you should do instead is explain the risks to your teen in a no-nonsense manner that he can understand and relate to. If he has any questions then be prepared to answer them in a simple and concise manner.

Divorce is not an easy life transition for anyone to cope with but it can be particularly painful for the children who end up feeling like they are caught in the middle. As parents who are getting a divorce you play the most important role in how your kids cope with the changes that are about to take hold in their lives. Your minor children need all of the help and support that you can give them to get through this traumatic experience with as few issues as possible.

Be There for Your Child

As a parent getting ready to split from your spouse you are dealing with a lot but you must consider what your child is going through as well. You must make it a top priority to assist your child in making the transition from the kind of life your family shares right now to the way it will be after the divorce is final and your spouse and you no longer live under the same roof.

This sounds easier to do then it is in reality but what is most important is that you make yourself available whenever your child wants to talk with you about how he or she is feeling. Answer your child’s questions honestly and be understanding and supportive when he brings his/her concerns to you.

Break the News Together

It is a good idea to tell your children that you have decided to get a divorce together as opposed to each one of you telling them separately. Discuss with your soon-to-be ex-spouse beforehand how you plan to approach the topic and what you are going to say. Be as honest as you can be with your kids and be prepared for emotions that range from anger to sadness to confusion about the decision that the two of you have made. Tell your little ones as much as they need to know and that is it.

Allow your children to feel their emotions and be prepared to be the bad guy for a while until they start to come to term with the reality. Let the truth of what is taking place sink in before you bombard your kids with the details of what life will be like once mommy and daddy are living separate lives.

Some children think that they are responsible for the divorce so as parents you both need to assure them that that is not the case.  Let your children get angry or cry and express themselves to you just as you have expressed yourselves to them. You are preparing to mourn the loss of your marriage and your children deserve the same as they mourn the loss of the family life they have been a part of and enjoyed up to this point in their lives.

Maintain the roles that you each play as parents. You continue to be the mother who does mom things and let the father continue to do dad things. Try as hard as you can to keep your children’s lives as normal as possible. While there will be changes to cope with in the weeks and months to come you must make every effort possible to maintain the status quo in your children’s lives and to keep everything on stable footing.

Dial Down the Conflict Factor

It would be nice if divorce was amicable but often it is not. As spouses who are calling it quits you must remember that you must continue to co-parent your children. For that reason you need to dial down the amount of conflict that your children see in front of them.

Argue as little in front of them as you possibly can. When you minimize the level of conflict this plays an important role in how well your kids are able to adjust to the changes that are swiftly taking place in their lives. It makes the adjustment easier for them which is exactly what you want. You want your children to be hurt as little as possible and this is how you help to make it so. When there is arguing to be done take it behind closed doors and keep it away from the ears of your little ones. Remember that your kids love you both so do not do anything to damage the bonds they have with either one of you.

Adults have to deal with stress all of the time but do you realize that your children do as well? Children feel the stress of life and it affects them but they experience it in a different manner than do grown-ups. They may not experience it on the same scale as adults do and they may not experience it as often but children feel the pressure of daily living and it can give rise to anxiety, depression, worry and doubts.

Children worry about making and keeping friends as being well liked is so important to youngsters. They worry about their grades and getting their chores done. They also worry about living up to their parents’ expectations and not disappointing them. As a mother you play an important role in helping your children to cope with stress. Here we offer you some help in the area of stress reduction for your kids:

1. The single most important thing you can do to help your children to effectively cope with stress is to be there for them. Listen to your children when they want to talk about something that is bothering them. Do everything you can to put yourself in their shoes and from there to offer assistance, advice and to help them to come up with a solution to the problem. As adults it is sometimes not an easy feat to try to relate to the concerns that children have but do your very best. Keep in mind that you were once a child too.

2. Encourage your child to get enough physical activity. Exercise can be a stress buster for people of all ages. Make exercise a regular aspect of your child’s day-to-day life. Gym class at school is not enough exercise for your child, especially when he is feeling anxious and worried. Physical activity is not just good for the body but also for the mind as well. Help your child to figure out what kinds of exercise he would like to do and then support him in his choices.

As often as possible join your son or daughter in enjoying exercises together. Go for walks or bike rides. Go swimming in the local pool or shoot a few hoops in the front yard. Play badminton or kick a soccer ball around. Physical activity can clear the mind and can keep stress at a manageable level.

3. Buy your child a diary or journal and encourage him to write in it as often as he or she wants to. Encourage your child to use it as a way to express how they are feeling on paper. This stress reduction technique is called journaling and it can help to relieve stress as it helps a person to get to know themselves better. It also helps them to see their problems in black and white and can provide a means of helping your child to cope with the difficulties he or she is going through. By writing in a journal your youngster may be able to come up with their own methods of dealing with their problems.

4. Your child needs to have time to play, run around and laugh out loud. Encourage your child’s creativity when it comes to his hobbies and do what you can to be enthusiastic and supportive. By having outlets that bring him pleasure and enjoyment your child will develop better coping mechanisms. There is a time for work and a time for play. Ensure that in your home there is a good balance between the two.

5. One of the best defenses against stress is to build a strong immunity system. To do this make sure your child eats a healthy diet that is well-balanced and rich in vitamins and minerals. You should also make sure that your child gets a good night’s sleep. A deficiency in either healthy foods or sleep can lead a child to become irritable or frustrated more easily. A weak immune system can open the door to not only a greater level of stress but also a higher potential for illness.