The Mom Crowd

Warm weather is nearly here (that is, some of us are in the throes of heat waves already, others are enjoying the sunny spring they’re accustomed to, and still more of you are sitting inside with snow in your yard, so work with me here!), and that means it’s time for a good beach read.  I love to curl up with Divine Secrets of the Ya-Ya Sisterhood  by Rebecca Wells. It’s not exactly on the “new arrivals” shelf at your local Barnes & Noble, but its mother-daughter relationship is worth discussing. I have read it about three times, and I always enjoy its rich storytelling, humor, poignance, and descriptions of old-time, down-home Louisiana living. Even as I type this post, I feel myself starting to think in the Southern accent and manner of speaking that these books so vividly allude to. So grab a glass of tea, dahlin, and read on, if you dare.

The book (and its two companions, Little Altars Everywhere and Ya-Yas in Bloom) is full of fabulous characters and lots of soapy intrigue, but its main storyline centers around the relationship between Viviane Joan Abbott Walker and her oldest daughter, Siddalee. And my word, is it dysfunctional.

Sidda’s the classic “oldest child” – a responsible, perfectionistic worrywart. As a child, she looked after her siblings while her dad went out hunting, her mother drank, and they both argued.  She grew up believing she was responsible for her mother’s unhappiness with life.  In her adulthood, she spends thousands of dollars on therapy and writes plays about her childhood as a form of catharsis. And she messes up royally by sharing with an interviewer too many juicy tidbits about her past. Vivi reads the article, shocked and humiliated, and promises to disown her firstborn immediately. Thus begins our tale, told in a series of revealing, sometimes painful, sometimes beautiful flashbacks. As the two begrudgingly work towards repairing their broken relationship, Sidda learns more about her mother than she ever dreamed when Vivi’s lifelong friends (the “Ya-Yas”) share their special book of secrets and dreams (hence the novel’s title).

Vivi Abbott Walker is one of the most interesting mom characters I’ve ever read:

She’s fabulously charismatic.  Vivi sure knows how to have fun!  From an early age, she demonstrates a knack for doing things with flair, whether it be dressing up to the nines for the premiere of Gone With the Wind as a little girl, putting on fabulous parties, wearing the latest fashions, or responding to anyone with a perfectly witty comment.  Her friends are unflinchingly loyal to her, her kids can’t resist her, and as a reader, I find myself wanting to know more about her.

She’s irrevocably flawed.  Despite her charms, Vivi has a boatload of issues.  After growing up with a mother who hated her, she was confused about her self-worth, wondering if she was an inherently bad person.  Her Catholic faith offered her either condemnation or comfort, depending on the issue she was facing.  She often found herself in the middle of public speculation, the favorite subject of unforgiving rumors.  Her first (and true) love died in the war, and she more or less “settled for” Sidda’s father.  Her drinking problem created more issues for the family.  While she loved her kids, she wondered (oftentimes aloud, in front of the kids) why she couldn’t do more with her life.  At times, she painfully took out her anger on the kids.  After reading her story numerous times, I find myself perplexed and saddened by her many internal struggles and their lasting effects on the children.

After learning all about her mother’s troubled childhood, it fills in the blanks for Sidda, giving her a richer context for why her mother behaves the way she does (and why Sidda was sometimes on the receiving end of Vivi’s anger: she was simply there.)  When Sidda learns to combine her mother’s attractive, wonderful attributes with the knowledge that Vivi’s just another frail human being, struggling to get by, Sidda realizes that it’s awfully hard to hold a grudge against someone so beautiful and imperfect.  Someone who loves Siddalee greatly.

I find it fitting that the author quotes Henri Nouwen in the opening pages: “The hard truth is that all of us love poorly. We need to forgive and be forgiven every day, every hour – unceasingly. That is the great work of love among the fellowship of the weak that is the human family.”

Sidda realizes that her mother, as imperfect as she is, needs grace and understanding, just as much as she does. Just as much as all of us do.  It is our “great work of love” in each of our families: to forgive and be forgiven every day.

Have you read this book? Did you see the movie?  What were your impressions about the mother-daughter relationship it focuses on? Do you have other mommy-issue titles worth recommending? Do share, and have a great weekend, from one imperfect momma to another!

Alicia Johnson at Marmalade Ink sent me a free kids stationary pad to try out that has Isaac’s picture and name on it. When we opened it both Ewan and Isaac were very excited about a notepad that had Isaac’s name 0n it. Isaac just started writing his letters so we have used it a few times to get him used to writing inside the lines.

Isaac is always stealing my notepads so he loves having one of his own (and so do I). The paper is of good quality and I love, love, love how you get to pick a picture to put onto the notebook. There are several colors and themes to choose from. You get 25 sheets for a little over $30. I think it is a great gift idea for kindergarteners or preschoolers.

They also sent me a sampling of birthday invitations and baby shower announcements. Marmalade Ink is very creative and I loved the designs they offer.

If you have a kid that loves to write then this product will probably have them writing thank you notes and stories before you know it! For moms on a tight budget this might be a little on the expensive end. Sometimes creativity comes at a higher price!

Recently someone asked me, “What determines your success as a parent?” I immediately thought about when I worry and my husband tells me, “Ace is okay and she is growing and doing well. You are doing a great job. Don’t worry.” So my answer to the question was my daughter is alive and healthy and developing, so I must be doing a good job. Those first appointments at the Pediatrician’s office felt like my scorecard. My daughter’s weight indicated that I was doing a good job feeding her. She passed all the developmental milestones, so I was doing great. Right?

John MacArthur says, “Success in parenting is measured by what the parents do, not by what the child does.”

My daughter’s development, behavior, and weight are not true reflections of how well I am doing as a parent. What matters most is that I am doing all I can to ensure her well-being and to raise her according to the standards that my family agrees upon. McKenna’s post about Mommy Guilt quoted an article by Lori Radun. Part of the quote says, “acknowledge that you are not responsible for everything your child(ren) do.” We are responsible for some things that our children do, but not everything. We can’t control every health issue and behavior in our children.

There is freedom when you realize that even if your child doesn’t turn out the way you guide them, you are still a success because you loved and disciplined them the best you knew how. My desire is that my daughter will be a woman of integrity, compassionate, unselfish and generous. If she does not exhibit those characteristics doesn’t mean I am not a success as a parent. Those traits are up to her. I can only guide her and be an example myself. Then I am a success as a parent.

How about you? How do you determine if you are a success as a parent? Do you agree with John MacArthur’s quote?

I have played the “Woulda, Coulda, Shoulda” game since Day One of getting pregnant with my first child. I wished I would not have gone skiing and hot-tubbing before I knew I was pregnant. I wished I wouldn’t have forgotten my prenatal vitamin so many times. This guilt game has just gotten worse and worse the longer I’ve been a mom. After my daughter was born with some health issues, I instantly took responsibility for her health problems! I was mad at myself for knowing she probably had Down syndrome and not researching more information to better equip me to be her Mommy. I also took responsibility for Connor’s heart defect because in my mind, there was surely something wrong with me. I think the hardest guilt-trips I’ve gone on have had to do with having a child with special needs and never feeling like I’m doing enough for her.

This game of “Woulda, Coulda, Shoulda,” is not limited to the major issues of my parenting, however. I have punished myself for letting my kids watch too much television, and have given myself the necessary lashing for trimming my children’s nails to short and drawing blood. What’s so bad about the nail-trimming incident is that I’ve heard my dear friend beat herself up about this before, so I should have been even more careful! Then there’s always that time that I won “Mother-of-the-Year” when I decided Darah could fuss for a while in her room. After 10 minutes of Darah fussing, I angrily went in her room to find that her leg was stuck between the wall and her toddler bed. The big mistakes I’ve made, along with the little mistakes I’ve made as a mother seem to turn into self-condemning and major guilt-trips. My resounding guilt-trip these days is not spending enough quality time with my children.

Before you start thinking of why you’re an even worse mother than I am and completely beat yourself over the head for things you’ve done as a mother, read on!

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My friend Natalie recently emailed me asking for support and encouragement, because she is feeling the nauseating effects of morning, noon, and night sickness. She knew that I could empathize with her pain because I had terrible morning sickness the first 19 weeks of my pregnancy. Feeling nauseated and vomiting all day long is one of the most horrible feelings in the world! For all you moms out there that never got any morning sickness, count your blessings! For those of us that are experiencing the joys of vomiting every day or who have – here are some tips to help get you through that horrible phase of pregnancy.

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