Coping with Pregnancy Loss
This is just my story, I’m still coping…We just found out yesterday that we lost our baby. I had an ultrasound scheduled last week at my midwife visit to check on dating and also because I was having a little spotting. Monday night I had more spotting and was looking forward to the sonogram because I was hoping that the spotting was normal and that I would be relieved to see the baby was doing fine.
We went to the sonogram as a whole family so my husband and kids were there. As soon as she put the paddle on my tummy, I saw the baby but no heartbeat. (I’ve been to a few sonograms so I knew what to look for.) She didn’t have to tell me because I knew. The sonographer quietly whispered that we may want to take the kids out. I looked at my husband and asked if he heard what she said. I told him with a look and he knew. We didn’t want to take the kids out because we knew we’d have to tell them anyway and I didn’t want my husband to leave and be in the room by myself. She asked if we wanted a picture of the baby which was very kind of her. I asked her if she could tell when the baby had died. I was a little over 11 weeks and the baby was measuring a little over 9 weeks. She left to go tell the doctor what was going on and to page the midwife on call.
Our 5 year old picked up pretty quick that something was not quite right and asked what was going on. I started crying and we told the boys that the baby had died. We told him that mommy and daddy were feeling sad. He came and gave me a big hug and tried to cheer me up by telling me that I would be okay. He was sad for a minute and then pretty much moved on. All three boys were more interested in the sonogram machine and how it works. Their curiousity and inability to really understand what was going on diminished the emotional impact of what was happening.
On the very quiet car ride home, I had a hundred thoughts going through my head. Was it the Advil Cold and Sinus I took a few weeks ago? Was it the cold I had? Was it all the stress of moving? Was it my own doubts of how I would handle raising 4 children? Or how sometimes I felt like all this transition would be easier if I weren’t pregnant? Basically, was this somehow my fault? Logically, I know this is very unlikely but the thoughts kept coming anyway. I think it is a natural part of the grieving process to ask those questions just to get them out there.
When we got home we made some coffee, let the older boys play on the computer, and sat on the floor with, Graham, the toddler and played blocks with him. I think we were feeling thankful for the quiet and relaxed atmosphere of being at home. I turned on the tv and watched The View just to escape the reality of the situation for a while. It wasn’t until we laid Graham down for a nap that my husband and I had time to talk and process how we were feeling, what we were thinking, and to connect emotionally while the older two were happily playing in their bedroom. I’m thankful that my husband doesn’t have a “what’s the big deal, you were still in your first trimester” attitude about it. He is sad too–in a little bit of a different way. He was excited about this baby and as we have been making all our plans for the future and our big move to England– this little baby was in every scenario. We cried together and it felt really good to tell him all the things that were going through my mind.
We called our families and told them the news and then we called friends. We’ve only had a few of the unhelpful comments that Mckenna wrote about several months ago. Sure, I know that there was probably something wrong with the baby or the placenta. Sure, I know that everything will be fine. Sure, I know that God is there in the midst of all this. Of course, I know that I should be thankful for my 3 healthy boys. I KNOW that–but it doesn’t take away from the fact that we lost something that is precious to us! Most of those came from the same person (who of course shall remain nameless and doesn’t read this site).
Our community of friends and neighbors have been wonderful. One of my husband’s professors (who is also a priest) called last night to pray for me over the phone. She was willing to come to our house if we wanted and offered to come up to the hospital if we end up needing to go there for a D&C. A good friend of mine who has also had a miscarriage brought by a meal. Some other friends have offered meals too. Another friend brought by some flowers that are beautiful. Several friends have offered to take the boys for a while. We have lots of friends praying for us and offering to help in any way that we need it. We feel deeply loved and cared for. I have been amazed the care being given by our friends. They are doing everything they know to do to help us out.
I’m still waiting for the actual miscarriage. I had an appointment with the midwife this morning to get a rhogam shot since I am rh-. I asked her how long it would take for the cramping and passing of the baby to start. She couldn’t really say one way or another but that if it didn’t happen in the next week I should consider getting a D&C. I’d rather not go that route unless needed. I am not particularly fond of the idea of someone scraping out my uterus and treating my baby like it was medical waste. And even though the risks and complications with a D&C are small, I don’t want to do it unless my body doesn’t naturally pass the baby.
I imagine that seeing the remnants of the baby will be difficult and that I will have moments of grief over the next several months. I don’t want to go into the pit of despair but I do want to allow myself to grieve when the moments come. It is easy in a faith community, like the one we are involved with, to feel like I have to put on a positive face about it. I don’t want to rob myself of feeling sad about something I was very much looking forward to.
A friend had given us a shadow box after Graham was born and I hadn’t decided what to do with it. It has been sitting on my dresser, empty. My husband suggested that we put one of the sonogram pictures in the shadow box as a keepsake for our precious little one. I loved the idea and am glad to have a memory of our sweet baby.
When it comes down to it, there never is any perfect thing to say to anyone. The things I have appreciated the most are “I’m sorry for your loss, May the Lord bring you comfort, My thoughts are with you, I’m sad with you, How can I help?” The things that communicate that people are along side us in our journey mean the most. Advice or pat answers, not so much.
What do you do if a friend loses a pregnancy?
- Offer a meal.
- Call to say your sorry.
- Ask to take the other children for a while.
- Send some flowers.
- Bring by a pint of ice cream.
- Show up to the house and give hugs.
- Write a little note telling the family you love them.
- Offer to pray for them (if you are of that persuasion).
- Offer a listening ear.
- Allow your friend to talk about other things if she wants to.
I’m sure there are other things to add to the list…feel free to add them in the comments section! Maybe you found some things helpful when you went through this yourself.
P.S. In writing this post, I’m not looking for a bunch of sympathy. Don’t feel like you should or have to say anything! I did want to write a post that would be helpful for others. And honestly, I wasn’t feeling particularly inspired to write about anything else. This has been a little mind consuming as you can imagine. I feel like I need help dealing with my own kids when my emotional margins are small and fragile! I’m living in the reality that there are MANY, MANY things to do while dealing with the emotional impact of losing the baby as well as some bleeding while I wait for the acutal miscarriage.
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I can’t imagine what your family is going through and how you had the strength to write this. But thank you for sharing. (Hugs for you and your family)
Amelia, you are indeed a woman of incredible beauty and strength. This post is simultaneously heartbreaking, insightful, vulnerable, and wise. I am in awe of you.
Praying for your wonderful family as you grieve.
Amelia,
First let me tell you how sorry I am for your loss. We have been there twice and it is very difficult. I was actually thinking yesterday about all of the “comments” people said to me during our losses and how hurtful they are, even if they aren’t intended to be. Both of our losses were extremely difficult for me, in particular, but our second was the hardest. I felt all kinds of guilt b/c the pregnancy wasn’t planned and I was a little freaked out about it. I felt that “maybe if I had been happier” and such type thoughts. I had to distance myself from a lot of people (and situations) at that time and one of the most helpful things to me was that two of my pregnant friends were incredibly respectful. One called to ask me if it would be ok if she invited me to her baby shower. (I really appreciated the thoughtfulness… she didn’t want to invite me if it would be too hard for me). The other let me be involved in her pregnancy as kind of a by-proxy situation… I was the first one she told anything to. It made me feel very close to her and to my baby. (we found out we were both pregnant 1 day apart). She still sends me cards on the due date.. it’s just very sweet. I pray for peace for you and your family. My heart is with you.
I am so sorry to hear about your loss. I too had a loss at 11 weeks- my baby also measured 9 weeks. I went through a lot of the same emotions that you have when I found out my baby had died. I had a lot of guilt and felt like I had done something to cause the miscarriage. I was really angry at God for taking my baby. Just know that it is not your fault. Let yourself feel whatever you need to feel, for as long as you need to feel it. You lost something real, no matter how small the baby was. You have lost a member of your family, and a lot of your hopes and dreams. Allow yourself the grace to grieve. It is a very difficult and long process, but you will come out of it one day stronger. I don’t know what else to say other than that I am so sorry that you are going through this. You are so brave to journal what happened to you and to try to help others.
So sorry.
I am so sorry for your loss. We lost a baby boy, Caleb Michael, at 24 weeks to Trisomy 18. Because I was so far along I had to be induced and I delivered him at the hospital. I think what helped the most was when people acknowledged our loss. It validated our feelings. I think for some people, until they can hold a baby it isn’t really “real”. We received a lot of flowers and cards. The most special gift we received was from my husband’s coworkers, they all chipped in and bought me a beautiful Trisomy 18 bracelet. I have that bracelet along with some of Caleb’s sonogram photos in a shadow box as well. I was also able to find strength and happiness in the faces of our 3 boys at home. Since we lost Caleb we have had another baby boy, Ian Zephyr, and I am so blessed to have all four of my beautiful boys. I was also able to take comfort in the fact that my mom, who had recently passed away, would be waiting for Caleb. If he couldn’t be with my husband and I, at least he was with my mom. Thank you for sharing. It will be two years next month and the grieving does get easier, I promise. Hugs to you and your family.
Amelia, I’m so sorry to hear the news. My thoughts are with your family right now and may you find unconditional strength to get you through the tough times.
Danelle Ice
I’m so sorry for your loss. My condolences to you and your family.
I am so sorry to hear of your loss. best wishes to you and your family.
Hi, Amelia. I know that you know all the stuff there is to know – and I just wanted to say that I’m praying for you guys and for God to continue to give you strength as you love and serve your family while you go through this difficult time. You are a great example of what motherhood is about much of the time…caring for those we love through the good and the very, very hard times in this life. My love to you.
Amelia,
Thank you so much for writing this post. I was sent this link by a friend of mine who suggested I read it. I lost a baby at 17 weeks and had to deliver it in a foreign country (Costa Rica.) We had only been there a week to learn the language and it was pretty traumatic. I have felt and totally understand where you are coming from. To me, nothing helped more than to talk about my loss with others who had a similar experience. My daughter was 3 1/2 at the time and my son was 1 1/2. This all happened last Sept. We were also blessed as you were to be in a Christian community where people loved us from afar and right there in Costa Rica.
One thing I learned from the experience is that usually when someone dies you grieve the past but when you lose a baby (no matter what point you are in the pregnancy) you grieve the future of that baby. A lot of people told me to be grateful for the two kids I had and I was but having kids also made me realize what I was missing.
I have a blog that I shared a lot of my thoughts right after Levi (we named our son Levi Immanuel) died. I don’t know if it will help at all but I know it helped me to read other people thoughts and experiences. May God give you peace and comfort during this time and remember He is a big boy and can take any thoughts and feelings you have.
My blog is http://www.losfletchers.blogspot.com You have to go back all the way to Sept.of 08
Blessings
Hi Ladies,
Thanks so much for your kind words and thoughts. I really appreciate them. And thanks for sharing your own stories.
Everytime I got a comment from you sent to my email it made my day a little brighter. It always nice to know that you aren’t alone.
Amelia,
I am so so sorry! I will keep you in my prayers as you grieve the loss of your baby! I am glad you have a good support system around you to love on you during this difficult time. Hugs! ~mckenna
Dear Amelia, I’m so sorry to hear about the miscarriage. We are praying for all of you as you go through the process of grieving for your child. Much love, Sharon
I’m so sorry for your loss… I guess I would add one more thing to your list, which is – Remember that it doesn’t matter how many children or how many miscarriages the person may have already had. This pregnancy was special and wanted, and it’s still just as painful even if it isn’t the first pregnancy or the first child.
I hope you continue to receive the support and love you have already had. — Carla
I had my kids in the room with me when I found out too. I’m not sure I could have handled it without them. It doesn’t make it hurt any less but it sure helps remind me of how lucky I am already. I really hope everything goes well. I opted not to do the D&C and that turned into a nightmare but I’m always one of those weird cases. Many many hugs!
I am sending you a big, HUGE hug your way! I am so terribly sorry for your loss.