The Mom Crowd

Our family cannot leave the house without at least two people wanting to know if my 4 year old and 2 year old are twins.  While my children are separated by 2 years and 3 months, because my oldest has Down syndrome, they are about the same size and are at about the same level in many developmental areas.  My youngest child learned how to walk six months after my firstborn learned how to walk and we have been in “twin mode” ever since.  It’s been exhausting and rewarding all at the same time! There is a constant pursuit among mothers of all races, religions, cultures, and backgrounds to find the magical interval between pregnancies.

“Baby Bunching” seems to be a growing trend among mothers.  “Baby Bunching” is a term two mothers have coined to describe siblings who are less than two years apart.  Linda and Cara have a blog devoted to mothers of “twiblings.”   Their blog contains articles that address the experiences of parenting children who are very close in age.  While my children are a few months out of the spacing requirements of “official baby bunchers,”I can most certainly appreciate the challenges, rewards, and unique chaos that baby bunchers experience due to my children being developmentally very close to each other, even though their chronological age is over two years.

Some of the benefits of having children who are close developmentally I have found is you get the pregnancy and newborn stages over and behind you in one swoop.  Not that I didn’t enjoy my pregnancies, but there are some things I don’t want to do forever!  Another advantage to having “twiblings” is our children play with the same toys and have the same interests.  We never had to hide our older child’s choking hazard toys from our curious crawler.  In our house everyone still naps {or at least goes to their room for an hour for quiet time}.  My firstborn was so easy going, that the transition from one to two children was really easy.  Our first child adjusted so well to her new brother, and I believe that in part is because she was younger.  One of my favorite things about having children close in age is their love for each other.  It is becoming more difficult to distinguish who has the dominant role in their relationship and they have a two sided adoration for each other at a very young age.

Some of the challenges I have found in having children so close in age is the toddler stage is tough all the way around!  Both of my children are constantly going  in separate directions.  If nap time/quiet time gets skipped, I have TWO incredibly angry toddlers who I cannot yet bribe with McDonalds.  I have to do everything twice, many times each day…change two diapers, make sure two children make it safely up and down the stairs, clean up two messes of everything, work on potty training with two children at a time, etc… I pray to God imagine that the toddler stage is probably one of the hardest in baby bunching.  There are moments when I daydream about adopting a seven year old girl to help me with my little “twiblings!”  It may be an illusion, but it seems like my friends who have spaced their children a few years apart have an easier time doing simple things like grocery shop and go on trips to the park.  However, it may just be my cynacism that has evolved from having two toddlers.

What are some other opinions on child spacing?

• Dr. Sears said it best when he said, “There is seldom the ideal time for a child. If we always waited for ‘the perfect time’ to have a child, we would probably have two instead of eight.”  He recommends spacing them two or three years apart if you have a baby who is a high needs baby in an effort to avoid parent burn out and to give parents more energy to devote to that more demanding child.  However, if you have an easy infant, spacing them very close in age typically works great, according to Dr. Sears!
• The New England Journal of Medicine believes that spacing children 18-23 months has the healthiest outcomes for both mom and baby.  Low birthweight, prematurity, and small sized babies are higher risks in children spaced less than 18 months and more than 23 months apart.
• Some argue that having children three years apart is the magical child spacing number.  They say that the older child is old enough to understand more about their new sibling’s arrival, yet they are close enough in age to grow up playing together.

While it’s fun to weigh pros and cons of different child spacing philosophies, I think this is such a personal decision for each family and what works for some families doesn’t always work for all families.  Also, there are outside factors parents should consider before choosing to have another child; most importantly, the health of their relationship with one another.

What do you think is the magic child spacing age difference?  What have you liked about the spacing between your children?  What has been challenging about their age differences?

I sometimes want to wear a shirt that says, “I am due St. Patrick’s Day, I don’t know the gender, and I feel fine!” I get asked those three questions to those answers all the time. Many people ask me “Do you know what your are having?” In fact we did not find out the gender of our first baby and we have not found out the gender of our second one either. Everyone has their own reasons for revealing the gender in the Ultrasound Room or the Delivery Room. Here are a few reasons why we chose to wait. (I would love to hear your reasons for finding out before the baby comes in comments!)

• A fear that the sonogram results would be wrong. I didn’t want to have to return a bunch of items or paint the nursery the wrong color.  (This can be a real fear, check the Barefoot Foodie’s recent post for proof!)

• For practicality – I like that my nursery and newborn clothes are gender neutral, so I can re-use everything for the second child.  Also, because people didn’t know what we were having we received gift cards and diapers instead of dresses and outfits.

• Labor and delivery was more exciting, because we didn’t know what we were having. It was also more exciting to share the baby news, because they didn’t know either.

• The fear of disappointment if the sonogram was wrong and that it would somehow affect my baby’s spirit. For my first pregnancy I felt like my instincts were telling me that I was having a boy and out came this baby girl. I think my disappointment lasted about 3 seconds and my daughter hasn’t been affected by my preggy thoughts of a boy.

• Part of the fun was making others wait. It tortured my mother. She was constantly telling me “Surely, you can see on the sonogram. The Tech knew.” Others would accuse of us knowing and not telling anyone. My husband and I can’t keep a secret. If we knew, everyone else would definitely know.

Waiting to find out the gender worked out well for us. After my daughter came into the world, the pink and purple just flowed in from family and friends. We were glad we waited and we are super excited to find out if our daughter has a brother or sister in about 9 weeks.

Did you find out the gender of your baby? Did you have any fears that the sonogram would be wrong? Was it your spouse that couldn’t wait to find out? 

I saw in my sidebar here at The Mom Crowd the title  “Body image issues during pregnancy” under the More from BlogHer section. Morra Aarons Mele published a post titled “Pregnant, fat” over at Blogher.com. I had to go read it.  I have been having my own body image issues with my second pregnancy.

With my first I was excited and proud to show off my belly. I worked in an office and proudly wore my heals and dressed up all the way up until the very end. This time I am at home and don’t really have to impress or look cute for anyone. I am casual everyday in my new skecher tennis shoes with no laces. So I don’t feel like I take as much pride in the way I look this second time around.

As a result of my horrible morning sickness and strict gestational diabetes (GD) diet I only gained 25 pounds with my first pregnancy. I felt back to normal and lost it all within 9 months of having Annabelle. Another reason why I am not truly motivated to keep my weight down this pregnancy is because I know that the weight comes off pretty easily after the baby comes.

Since I found out I was pregnant and knowing that I might have gestational diabetes again I have been allowing myself to eat whatever I want. Bring on the cake, pie, cookies, and brownies.  I have tried to ease up on the sweets since Thanksgiving, but not as much as I should. Tomorrow I take my first test to determine if I have GD again. In a way I am completely okay if I have it, because it will help me be super strict with my diet. The only downside is that if I can’t control it with diet and need insulin, then I can’t birth at the birth center I have been attending.

I have let myself go and I feel huge this pregnancy. I already mentioned how I don’t really feel up for sex very much lately and this certainly does not help. I have no energy and I feel fat. I am afraid to get on the scale. Okay, maybe I will just for you guys. I am back from standing on the scale. I have gained 23 pounds and I am only 26 weeks pregnant. ugh. (That is only 2 pounds away from what I gained total the last time I was pregnant.)

It also doesn’t help that strangers and people mention how huge I already am. They don’t believe me when I tell them that I still have three months to go. One person and her mother insisted up and down that I was further along than I think. Really, I know when the first date of my last period is. So not only do I feel huge, other people like to confirm that I am.

I don’t have any helpful solutions for making myself or anyone else feel better about their body while they are pregnant. My only hope is to slow down my weight gain and look forward to when I have my body back to work it all off.

Did you have any body image issues while you were pregnant? Did you really feel fine and happy to be round or did you look forward to having your body back?

I had a friend recently email me asking what I thought about the different co-sleepers available and if I used one.  Then I thought it might make a good post!  Even if you are having your first, second, or third baby you might be on the hunt for a new or alternative sleeping arrangement rather than having the baby sleep in a different room from yourself.  Regardless of your parenting philosophy, many parents find that having baby nearby, sharing their bed, or right next to them is easier for night time feedings and those middle of the night diaper changes.Co-sleepers are similar to pack and plays in the way the look but they attach to the bed, giving the baby a special space of his/her own.  The co-sleeper is level with the bed which allows easy access for the mother or father to scoop up the baby when he/she is ready to eat, needs a diaper change, or just needs some attention.   

The Arms Reach Co-Sleeper has become rather popular for moms who are planning on breastfeeding and want easy access to their babies at night.  I asked a friend who has the Mini Co Sleeper and she raved about it. Her husband is a heavy sleeper and she didn’t feel comfortable having the baby in bed with them while he tossed and turned at night.  She also knew that she would sleep more comfortably if she had the freedom to move and change positions without worrying about waking up the baby.  She mentioned that the co sleeper was also helpful right after the baby was born because she had a c-section and it allowed her to only have to sit up in bed to feed the baby rather than have to get up and go across the room or into another room to get her baby before feeding him.  She said it was very helpful for her recovery and healing process.  Not only that, but it also helps her get through the whole feeding, diaper changing ritual faster which results in her getting a little more sleep.  And every mom with a newborn is thankful for as much sleep as possible! The only drawback she said about the co-sleeper is that in order to get out of bed you have to either get out on the side the co-sleeper isn’t attached to or slide down past it and then get out of bed.  She likes the mini co-sleeper because it takes up less room and you don’t have to go as far down to slide out of bed.   The Arms Reach co-sleepers are portable and break down similarly to a pack and play which make them appealing for travel as well. And some take up less room when broken down.      

Some parents like the feeling of closeness created by having the baby in bed with them. An alternative to bedside co-sleepers is something called a Snuggle Nest.  A Snuggle Nest creates a place for the baby in your bed and provides some boundaries so pillows or blankets don’t get too close to the baby’s face. I have another friend who used this with one of her babies and she loves it. She likes being able to hear the baby breathe at night.   She used it her second baby until he started rolling around a lot and getting out of his swaddle.  It became too hard for him to stay in the little nest. She is also using it for her third baby and still loves it.  At night when the baby wakes up to nurse she slides her down from the Snuggle Nest and nurses the baby and then slides her back up after she is done.  It makes it easy to doze while the baby is nursing and easier for her to go back to sleep since she didn’t have to get out of bed.  The other plus my friend mentioned to me is that since the baby is so close by she can listen for whether or not the baby is due for a diaper change.        

We have always had our babies in the room with us for the first several months–our first had the shortest stay in our room–only about 31/2 months.  He slept in a pack and play near our bed.  Our second and third slept in bed with us until they were 4 months old and then moved into a bed (still in our room) until they were close to a year old.  One was moved to a pack and play, the other to a crib.  I liked not having to get up and go to another room to get them for feedings and I liked that they were nearby in case I needed or wanted to check on them at night.  I had contemplated getting a co-sleeper with our thrid but decided to see if I still wanted on after he was born.  I thought about borrowing one from someone, but I didn’t know anyone at the time who had one laying around.  We just did what worked for us as a family. Although I enjoyed the babies sleeping with us or near us, I was ecstatic when I finally had my own space and room back. It was so nice to be able to read in bed and not worry about making any other noises that might wake up the baby–if you know what I mean .

Where did your baby sleep after he/she was born? What worked for your family? What didn’t work?

I was talking to a friend not too long ago, who was sharing with me some of her difficulties about being a mom.  She recently had a baby and is probably suffering from some postpartum depression. But not in the way you’d necessarily expect.  She doesn’t sit and cry all day long.  She doesn’t feel depressed.  She feels angry–really angry.  Easily frustrated.  Occasional suicidal thoughts. As she was sharing I had flashbacks from my postpartum days after I had my second baby.  I felt the same things.  Sometimes I would feel so full of rage toward my baby that I understood in those moments why some mothers shake their babies or abuse them. When he would cry and cry I had images of throwing him across the room.  And then I would snap back into reality and feel like the worst mother of the world.  I had suicidal thoughts–I wanted to escape from my reality at the time.  I took most of my anger out on my husband. I remember one day when he walked in the door 3 minutes (that’s right, 3 minutes) late from work and I laid into him like he had been gone all night.  So much for “Hi dear, I’m glad you are home.”   I was so upset that if I had lasers in my eyes I would have burned a hole in his chest.  Something wasn’t quite right in my head to respond so viciously.  I would get so mad for little things and it was hard on our marriage.  I think it was must of been God’s hand on my heart that kept me from doing anything that would harm myself or my children or in some instances, my husband.

We recovered and looking back, I wish I had talked to a professional about how I was feeling.  I might have asked for more help–but at the time I didn’t know WHAT would help. Even when our third baby was younger and he would fight going to sleep, I would feel those feelings of rage and would put him on my shoulder to pat his back.  Sometimes I would pat it hard enough that I could tell that my anger was getting the better part of me and I would slow down and take some deep breaths.

Sometimes postpartum depression masks itself in different ways. I think that mothers are afraid to talk about how angry they sometimes feel toward their children.  No one wants to be the mom who yells at her kids, spanks in anger, shakes her baby, slams doors, feels like she hates her husband.  I think moms feel ashamed if they struggle with these things and don’t want to tell their friends because they are afraid of being judged.  So they struggle alone–maybe they have a faith to fall on–maybe not.  Maybe they suffer alone because they feel like they have to hide their feelings.   If you are out there and reading this, and you too have struggled (or currently are) with postpartum depression that included fierce anger toward your children or your spouse –I just want you to know that you are not alone.  There are others of us out there who have been through it.

Things that might help:

• Make an appointment with a counselor
• Get an appointment to talk with your medical provider (midwife, family doc, ob etc.) and talk about your options
• Talk to a trusted friend about how you are feeling (even if you are not one to share about your deeply personal struggles)
• Talk to a pastor/clergy, Stephen minister, prayer group and have them pray with you
• Ask your friends/family to help.  Yes, it is hard.  But it might make your life a little easier
• Ask your spouse for some regular free time away from the house (even just one or two a week)

How can your friends help?

• Bring a meal
• Come for a play date
• Come and hold your baby while you do chores or cook dinner
• Come and hang out with your baby while you take a nap
• Have someone go out for the “I’m out of bread and milk” grocery run for you
• Watch the baby/kids while you go to your doctor/counseling/clergy appointment