The Mom Crowd

Valentine’s Day is coming up this Saturday and what better way to show your family that you love them than with a will and a life insurance policy! Okay, your family may not feel completely comforted by the reminder that you won’t be on earth forever, but it is something that you should have in order. Even if you just create a “love folder” and put all the documents in one place this weekend would a huge accomplishment. I know I feel loved by my husband’s proactive care for our family in case of an emergency. Here is a re-posting of my original post, ’7 Ways to Show Your Family That You Them’ in time for Valentine’s Day. 

We all show our family that we love them in different ways. Another way that you can show your love for them is to show them that you care about them even after you are gone. The hard reality is that we are all going to leave this earth and we don’t know when. I have a friend whose husband unexpectedly passed when they were 27 years old and she had 3 month old twins to take care of. It doesn’t matter what stage of life you are in, you need to be prepared.

Each person makes their own decision how to prepare for the end from an emotional and spiritual aspect, but here are some practical steps to be prepared from a financial and administrative perspective.

1. Have a will.

Even if you don’t think you have a lot of assets, you need to have a will because you don’t want the State to dictate what happens to your property after you are gone. You have the opportunity now to take that responsibility. It will save your family a lot of time and grief knowing your wishes, because getting an estate in order after someone has passed can take a lot of time.  You may be surprised by how many possessions you own after completing a will.

It is good to discuss whom will care for your children if something should happen to both parents. It is certainly a hard decision and there are many factors to consider. I know one couple who does not tell anyone who the “godparents” are, because it isn’t a family member and they don’t want to hurt anyone’s feelings. This is one decision I DO NOT want left up to the State’s probate laws.

Myth: I have to go through a lawyer to get a will.
Fact: Right now you can download a state specific will from USLegalForms.com for $20. Then all you have to do is fill it out and have it notarized.

2. Have Term Life Insurance.

If someone depends on your income then it is best to take out a policy for 8 – 10 times your income. Then once the life insurance money has been issued, your family can invest the money in a good growth stock mutual fund and if it earns at least a 10% return, you can live off of the interest. Then the lost income is replaced.  Since I am a Stay at Home Mom, this gives me an enormous amount of peace knowing that I will be okay for money if something should happen to my husband.

For Stay at Home Moms a policy should be for about $250,000 to $400,000, because a mom’s work is valued at about $40,000 a year. (Although, it feels like it should be more!) The idea is that if something happens to the mother, then the father can afford a Nanny or Child Care while he continues to working.

Don’t assume you have life insurance through your work. Find out the details of any life insurance plan you or your spouse has through work.

Term Life Insurance is not that expensive. You can go to ZanderIns.com for a quote. Depending on your age and how much coverage you want it can be $30 to $55 a month.

Myth: Whole Life Insurance is a great idea, because I can invest my money at the same time.
Fact:  The truth is that the return on investments in a whole life policy are horrible and it is better to put that money in a mutual fund. Also, there is not a guarantee that your beneficiaries will receive the savings upon your death. For more information about Whole Life Insurance go here.

3. Make plans for your estate.

Making a will and planning for your estate go hand in hand.  Estate planning will allow you to decide who will get your house, cars, or anything else you want. Also, if you give your house as an inheritance to your kids, then you can avoid a high rate of gift tax. On daveramsey.com “The federal government allows someone to die and leave in their estate $2 million without any estate taxes. An individual can only give another individual $12,000 before getting gift-taxed out the ear unless they claim it as part of their estate before they die.”  You can read more about this here under the question “Is Inheritance The Way To Go?”

The estate planning process is also where you will set up any trusts that you want to leave for your kids. You can even make stipulations on whatever specific areas you want. You can specify the age that they get it and how much or that it be used to pay for college.

Myth: Estate planning is only for rich people.
Fact:  The truth is that you may be surprised by how much you have. You need to make plans for the term life insurance money or if you own a home.
4. Make a Living Will.

A living will is a legal document that a person uses to make known his or her wishes regarding life prolonging medical treatments. It can also be referred to as an advance directive, health care directive, or a physician’s directive. A living will should not be confused with a living trust, which is a mechanism for holding and distributing a person’s assets to avoid probate. It is important to have a living will as it informs your health care providers and your family about your desires for medical treatment in the event you are not able to speak for yourself. (From Alllaw.com.)

This may certainly help deter any family arguments if one family member wants to keep you on life support and another is ready to let you pass. If your wishes are known, then the family knows your wishes and they can respect them.

I would also add that it contain if you want an autopsy done or not to determine the cause of death. We had a death in the family last week and the family had to make this decision within hours of him passing. They didn’t know what to do and were not in a state to make that decision.

You can buy a Living Will at USLegalForms.com for $15 and get it notarized.

Myth: I don’t care what happens to me and the doctors will know what is best for me. 
Fact:  The truth is that you have say in the matter now and your family and even doctors may disagree on the kind of care that is best for you. You can save a lot of grief and arguments by making your wishes known.

5. Make Burial Plans.

You can make your burial plan wishes in your will. They can be as detailed or limited as you want. Making simple decisions about cremation or being buried can save your family a lot of trouble. You can let them know that a cheaper casket is okay and that they don’t have to get you the Lexus of caskets. Even if you want a full Catholic funeral with a Rosary or a simple memorial.

Myth: Pre-paid Funerals are a great idea.
Fact:  The truth is that you could spend that time investing in a mutual fund and get more for your money. You can make prearranged funeral plans so your family doesn’t have to make emotional decisions,  but you don’t have to buy your plans. If you invest your money instead, then you will have the money to pay for the burial. You can read more about it here.

6. Discuss your plans and wishes with another family member.

My husband and I often discuss our wishes to each other. It isn’t morbid, I just want to be prepared. With all the discussions and plans we have made, I know I would be okay if he passed. Of course, I would miss him and I would have to work hard at just breathing again, but I know deep down that I am going to make it. We have asked our parents what their wishes are, because we want to know. It is okay to bring the subject of burial up with your family.

Myth: If I discuss my wishes with someone else, then I may die really soon.
Fact:  The fact is that you are going to pass and no one knows when they are going to die. It is better to discuss it and save your family some grief and agony in their time of mourning.

7. Make a Love Drawer.

All of these plans and discussions will amount to nothing if no one knows where your will is. Wills are not publicly filed, so you need to know where it is in the house or safety deposit box. I know I have asked my parents for copies of their wills and they said “Sure, it is right here in the blue folder in the mounds of papers in the roll top desk.” and then they went to find it and couldn’t.  It is important to know where it is being kept. Give a copy to a friend or family member.

Put everything, wills, insurance policies, deposit box keys, burial plans all in one drawer. This is really showing how much you love your family.

Watch this video from Dave Ramsey on The Early Morning Show about how you can say “I love you!” with a Love Drawer.

Have you made any of these plans? Do you have a love drawer?

This afternoon, I had the misfortune of being involved in a hit-and-run accident.  Thankfully, I am fine and no one was hurt.  I was leaving my college and another driver decided he was in a bigger hurry than everyone else and rammed his car into my driver side door and kept going.  I followed him the 50 feet or so to the end of the parking lot to where he was stuck because another car was at the stop sign in front of him and I got out of my car to tell him he hit me and that he wasn’t allowed to leave!  He got out of his car briefly to tell me that he was driving his girlfriend’s car and didn’t have his license and then the car in front of him left, so he quickly got back in his car and took off!  I was yelling “You’re not allowed to leave!” and I then started chanting his license plate numbers hunting for a pen and paper.

I called the campus police who showed up to one mad mama!  While they were taking pictures of my poor mini-van {the door is probably going to need to be replaced}, I called my husband at work {who is an adjuster for our automobile insurance company} and told him what happened.  Of course, there are things I wish I would have done differently, but for the most part I got a thumbs up from my husband on how I handled the situation.  It’s really hard to think in situations like that, so I thought I’d share some tips with you to store in your back pocket, in case you’re in a situation like this someday.

Grab a witness

• This is one thing I wish I could have done.  While I was chanting the license plate numbers, I wish I would have yelled for someone to identify the car so they could place him at the scene.  Unfortunately, I’m a biased witness, so if you can grab a witness of the accident, do it!  Make sure you get their contact information for your insurance company and ask if they’ll stay for the police report.

Take a picture!

• I wish my phone had a camera and that I had the quick thinking skills to photograph the car as he was leaving.

Find out as much as you can about the other person

• Most accidents do not involve a hit-and-run, so make sure you write down the person’s driver license number, insurance information, make/model/year/color of vehicle, and their license plate number.  If they are fleeing the scene, try to get their license plate number at the very least!

File a police report

• If the person sticks around, make sure you have a police report filed so the person can’t say they weren’t there.  This is especially important if there is not damage to their vehicle.

Drive Safe!

• The best way to avoid accidents is to drive defensively.  Pay attention!  Don’t talk on your cell phone!  Even if the light is green, look for cars who may be running a red light.  In my case, there was no way I could have avoided it {other than skipping class today}, however, as soon as I saw him coming, I hit my horn and braked.

I am still fuming and mad about this chump who decided to flee the scene without taking responsibility for his actions, which is why you got this post!  I am supposed to be studying for two big tests, but all I can do is replay this afternoon in my head.  I’m hoping they find this guy.

Have you been in any similar situations?  What tips do you have for situations like this?

According to Wikipedia, a Helicopter Parent is someone who:

 “pays extremely close attention to his or her child’s or children’s experiences and problems, particularly at educational institutions. These parents rush to prevent any harm or failure from befalling them and will not let them learn from their own mistakes, sometimes even contrary to the children’s wishes. They are so named because, like helicopters, they hover closely overhead, rarely out of reach, whether their children need them or not.”

 Some practical examples of being a helicopter parent are:

• Driving your child to school if he/she misses the bus
• Taking your child’s homework up to school if he/she forgets it at home
• Waking your child up every morning when they are old enough to use an alarm clock
• Not allowing your child to fail at a project (finishing the project so it gets a good grade)
• Giving your child more lunch money even though he spent it unwisely earlier in the week
• Making excuses for the child why her homework wasn’t complete and begging the teacher to give the child another chance or a passing grade
• Settling all normal childhood battles for the child

 Helicopter parents try to save their children from the hardships of the world and try too hard to make everything in the child’s life pain free and perfect. Helicopter parents love their children very much.  They don’t want to see their children sad or suffering and feel like helping them out is the loving thing to do. Unfortunately, the result of helicopter parenting is that children grow up without knowing how to be responsible (because mommy and daddy have been doing all the rescuing!) and believe that they are incapable of doing anything.  The children learn that they absolutely can’t make it in life without mommy and daddy. 

Drill Sergeant Parents believe that they can make their children do whatever the parent says to do. Drill Sergeant parenting incorporates threats and punishment in order to make the child do what the parent wants.  The parent wants all the control and believes that the more control he/she has, the more likely the child is to obey. Unfortunately, there are many things you cannot “make” a child do.  These parents have children who don’t really learn how to make good decisions—they only learn how to avoid getting in trouble or get a reward.  Children of drill sergeants have a difficult time thinking for themselves because their parents do all the thinking for them. 

Some practical examples of being a drill sergeant are:

• Barking orders to clean up toys, bedrooms etc.
• Yelling—especially at bedtime when the children aren’t going to bed like they are supposed to.
• Continuous power struggles (homework, chores, talking back)

Drill Sergeants love their children too.  They just believe that they can make their children do what they want by bossing them around.  Unfortunately, the downfalls of drill sergeant parenting is communicating to the child that he/she can’t think for him/herself and that he/she isn’t capable of making it in life either. 

Does any of this sound familiar to you?  It is possible to be a helicopter to one child and a drill sergeant to a different child in your family.  I have recently discovered this myself.  I have been more of a drill sergeant to my oldest son-who by the way only digs his heels into the ground more when I try to boss him around.  And I am much more of a helicopter to my second child.  He is 4 and fully capable of putting on his own shoes and coat but there I am doing it for him because he starts whining that he “just can’t do it by himself.” So basically, I am a recovering helicopter drill sergeant. 

I have been taking a class called Love And Logic that has been marvelous and revolutionary in my relationship with my children!  Love and Logic was created by Jim Fay, Foster Cline, M.D. and Charles Fay, Ph.D.  They have several books available as well as some seminars you can go to.  There are certified Love and Logic teachers available all over the country who teach the course.

The goal of Love and Logic is to teach parents how to be Consultants to their children.  Consultant parents communicate to their children,  “You’d best do your own thinking because the quality of your life has a lot to do with your decisions.” Consultant parents don’t tell their kids what to do.  (Mind blowing-I tell you!) Consultants are excited about the opportunities that come along in life where children make mistakes—because it is an opportunity for the child to learn (not be rescued!).  Consultant parents are always there to give advice (not lectures!) but let their children make their own decisions and fail or succeed. 

Love and Logic is practical for toddlers through teenagers.  The techniques work and I am going save some of my own successes for another post next week.   They have books that help with teens, toddler-kindergarten, even for a classroom setting. Their website has some video clips that will help you get a taste of their style.  It won’t give you too much information though—just enough to make you ask for more. 

So, have you ever heard of Love and Logic?  Do you know anyone that does Love and Logic with their kids?  Are you a helicopter, drill sergeant, or consultant? Sound intriguing? 

Okay, I know times are tough (are you tired of hearing that?) and we are all looking for ways to be frugal and save money.  I have come across a few things that I love so I thought I’d share–from one mom to another .

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Two days before Christmas, a milestone I have been dreading for more than a year was achieved.  My two year old learned that he was more than capable of getting out of his crib without my help.  I unassumingly went to retrieve him from his nap one day and discovered him waiting by the door for me.  He immediately ran to his crib and said “up” and wanted to show me his newfound skill.  I thought for a second about buying a crib tent for him until we were ready to transition him to a big kid bed, but decided I was only delaying the inevitable.  Anyway, we will be needing his crib for Reese when she comes home in a few months.  So, I set up his twin size bed frame and mattress we already had waiting for him.

We transitioned my daughter out of her crib when she was 18 months old.  There are a couple of reasons she made the move early, but the primary reason was I needed the crib for her brother who was incubating in my womb.  I also was a first time parent who didn’t understand the benefits of waiting for some of those great milestone moments! That being said, I have now successfully transitioned two children from their cribs to big kid beds and bedtime is rarely a difficult task in our house.  I will be fair and admit that I have two children who never been especially difficult to coax to bed.  While my children do not typically fight sleep in our home, they will never sleep in the car (yes, 5  hour round trip day visits with my family are always fun!) and getting them to go to sleep in any bed other than their own is a next to impossible task.  So, my anxiety about transitioning my son to a new bed was warranted. Here is my son’s transition story and some tips that helped us in moving our children from their cribs to big kid beds.

Getting Ready for Your Transition:

• Go overboard on baby proofing!  Put a door knob safety cover on the inside of the door or a baby gate at their door, cover outlets, secure ALL furniture to a wall stud, take away any climbing temptation, eliminate any small or sharp objects in their room, check for strings on pull toys and other choking hazards, and make sure your windows are secure and do not pose a choking hazard (blind cords especially!!!)  Babyproofing should go beyond your child’s bedroom.  Make sure there is a gate at the top of your stairs if you have a two-story home. If you have an alarm for your front, back, and garage doors, be sure to set it.  Wandering children in the middle of the night is never a good thing!
• Limit the number of toys in their room.  Toys can be a big distraction from falling asleep.  My daughter had a small basket of books and a small basket of baby dolls in her room. Gradually, we have increased the number of toys in the bedrooms.

Ready or Not!
Whether your transitioning your child to a toddler size bed or a full size bed, make sure they cannot roll out easily.  We took a very “Super Nanny” approach in our transitions.  We went through our normal bed time routine, informed our children that it was time for sleep, and we encouraged them to stay in their bed.  The first night my son slept in his big boy bed was rough.  He went to bed at his normal bedtime, but every time I left the room, he would get up and cry scream bloody murder by the door.  We watched the clock and every 15 minutes, I would go in his room and place him back in his bed.  I reminded him the first time that it was time for sleep.  After that, I didn’t say anything to him.  I did this about four times and he was not letting up.  So, I decided to go in his room and sit in the dark by the door.  I told him to stay in his bed and he did as long as I was in his room and fell asleep after about 10 minutes.  The next night, we started off with the initial routine from the night before, but after hearing him call for us pitifully saying, “No! Mommy!  No! Daddy!” my husband and I decided that one of us should sit in his room with him until he fell asleep.  He was asleep after 5 minutes of me sitting by his door.  On the third night, he didn’t need me in the room and went straight to bed without any reminders to stay in his bed.

Naptime wasn’t much different.  He isn’t napping as long as he normally did before he moved from his crib, but he is still taking decent naps.  After a couple of days of reminding him it was time for nap and not giving in by taking him downstairs to play, he is now a pro at napping in his new bed.

I think the main reason our children transitioned well is because of our consistency.  While we did give in a little by staying in the room with him until he fell asleep, we didn’t give in by taking him out of his room once it we began bedtime.  He takes us seriously now when we say it’s bedtime and doesn’t put up a fight.  That being said, I think if we had other sleep battles from the get-go this transition would have been much harder.

How was your child’s transition from his crib?  What worked for you during their transition?  What didn’t work for you when you transitioned?  Was your child already a good sleeper when it was time for them to switch beds?