The Mom Crowd

Please welcome my friend and Guest Writer, Sharon, as she fills in for the traveling Amelia in the upcoming weeks. Sharon is an American currently living in the Middle East with her husband and two children.

Most of us have been there.  We arrive at Grandma and/or Grandpa’s house for a week long visit, only to find ourselves in a precarious situation.  Why?  Because your parents (or your spouse’s parents) are standing at the door, greeting your kids with one or more of the following:
a) Large bags of candy
b) Several new toys
c) The latest “cool” techno-gadget
d) A week of planned excursions to expensive theme parks, malls, etc.

The week progresses, and every time you turn around, your child has a new toy or outfit.  On one hand, you think, hey, it’s only for a week, then we get back to our normal lives. And this is true, to an extent.  But what happens when this becomes habitual?  Every time you visit them, or every time they visit you, the kids are lavishly spoiled by their grandparents.  Or what happens when the kids start to demand things from Grandma or Grandpa?  Ugh, no one wants to be in that position.

This has happened to us on a few occasions.  We have the unique position of being parents to the only grandkids on either side of the family (hubby is an only child, I’m the oldest and, until recently, the only married one).  In addition to that, our family lives overseas, so any opportunity the grandparents get to spend with the grandkids is rare and precious, and the presents can be a bit over-the-top at times.  What do we do?  Fear not, ladies!  There are a few ways we, as moms, can handle out-of-control gift-giving.

For starters, we need to accept this fact: in general, grandparents WILL spoil their grandchildren.  There’s really nothing we can do about it.  Now, before anyone thinks I have a defeatist’s attitude toward this particular subject, I want to point out that I think that we CAN influence the AMOUNT of spoiling that occurs and make sure it doesn’t get out of hand.  None of us wants to have kids that are ungrateful (especially to our own parents!), so it’s important that we approach it from two sides:

1. Your kids – Remind them to say “please” and “thank you” when requesting or receiving something from your (or your spouse’s) parents.  It’s really easy to teach kids manners when we are around teachers, friends, and even strangers, but the family arena seems to be the first place where politeness jumps out the window.  Reminding kids about simple manners before they visit their grandparents can work wonders, and help your kids to remember to be thankful.  If your concern is limiting the number of toys in the house, let the child(ren) know that, from now on, for each new toy they get from grandma or grandpa, they have to choose one of their older toys to give away to charity.
2. The grandparents – This is the tough one, because some grandparents will react defensively, especially if approached in a confrontational manner.  Start by thanking them for being so loving toward your children, and that their generosity is really appreciated by you. Then let them know you noticed how they much they like to buy things for your kids, and ask them if they’d be willing to redirect their giving.  It doesn’t take much to “spoil” my kids (as they’re still fairly young), so if my mother, for instance, decided to give my kids a personal DVD player just for fun, I would consider that over-the-line.  One way we avoid this in our household is by suggesting toys/games that our children would like to have, ones that seem a little more reasonable in price or quantity. That way, the kids get toys they want, and grandma and grandpa still get to have their fun.  Ask them to save bigger presents for birthdays or Christmas.  If you want to nip the toy-buying in the bud all together, suggest that your parents or in-laws come over with a little present, like a small candy bar or lollipop (or iTunes gift card for older kids), and they can put money in their savings account or college fund.

In the event where grandpa or grandma is not willing to change his/her behavior, there are a few options.  The first one, limiting visits (especially for grandparents who live in the same town), is something I would call for in an extreme situation, where your concern is your child’s safety.  Grandparents allowing young children to watch rated R movies after they’ve been asked not to, for example, would warrant a reaction like that.  Most of us (hopefully) will not encounter this problem.  Another approach is one I mentioned, having your children give away old toys for each new one that they receive.  Or, get a bag of toys and take it over to grandma’s house the next time you visit.  Let her know that the kids have too many toys at the house, and so you’re bringing some extras to stay at her house.  After a few garbage bags full of toys, grandma and grandpa will get tired of the clutter, and probably get the hint.

So, have you ever encountered this problem?  How did you handle it?  What was your parents’ (or in-laws’) reactions?

Photo courtesy of garden beth

More about our Guest Writer:  Sharon was born in Southern California, spent a bit of time in Hawaii, then moved to Texas for ten years, where she met her husband and had her first child.  She now lives in the Middle East with her hubby and two kids, ages 5 and 2.  Her favorite tea is Earl Grey, and favorite dessert is any cupcake from Sprinkles.  She loves learning new languages (currently working on Arabic), traveling, and cooking.

I don’t know about you, but sometimes life wears me out.  Our family is pretty busy.  My husband works in a church (he’s the Youth Director), so we call church our second home.  We’re there every Sunday and Wednesday for a variety of activities.  Additionally, my kids’ pre-school is a ministry of our church.  When I add it all up, they spend over twenty hours a week on the church campus. 

When we come home from church/pre-school, everyone is pretty tired.  It takes a lot of energy to get everyone dressed, packed up, transported to & fro, and unpacked each day.  These are our regular activities, and our routine serves us well – especially when we all get a decent night’s sleep.

Most of my friends’ families are in the same boat.  Some of them have also begun enrolling their children in extra-curriculars.  A lot of my kids’ friends are joining swim team, taking a dance class, or enrolling in soccer.  I’ve gotta be honest about this and say, “NO!  Not yet!  I am not ready for this!”  The thought of researching programs that my daughter or son would enjoy, paying for it somehow, and shuttling them to even more events would fry what’s left of my brain.  I don’t know how my mom friends do it!

Sometimes I hear moms complain about their kids’ extra-curriculars.  One lady bemoaned to me:  ”I have to take my daughters to a cheering competition in [a city three hours away] for the whole weekend!”  Her girls were 6 and 9 at the time.   On and on she went, telling me about the cost of the uniforms and how they had to stay at this ritzy hotel and how the girls were getting unnecessarily catty with each other at that young age.

I wanted to ask, “Why are you doing it, then?” 

My husband and I have discussed the topic of extra-curriculars for our kids quite often, considering what is necessary, what isn’t, how much is too much, how much is not enough, etc.  We are excited to see our kids grow in different areas – will they be inclined to take up an instrument or join a sports team?  It’s exciting!  We do not want to prevent them from exploring what the world has to offer.  At the same time, we want to guard ourselves from overscheduling our already-busy family, and adding unnecessary stress to our lives.  We also have to watch our budget.  Uniforms, dues, and gas can get costly.

Since school is starting/has started for most of us, here are my suggestions for making healthy choices regarding extra-curriculars for your children:

• Discuss the issue in advance.  If not communicated, this is one of those subjects that could cause arguments with your spouse.  One parent might want their child to explore as many activities as possible, and the other might want to go into extra-curriculars slowly.  It’s good to hammer it out sooner than later, so compromises can be made.
• Know your priorities.  While conversing about it, make a list of what the family’s goals are with its time.  For example, our family prioritizes church events over most others.  If an event comes our way and it conflicts with a church commitment, we are likely to say no.  We also want to make sure our family has enough down time each week, and ample together-time. 
• Have a plan and set some limits.  In your discussion, it would be good to formulate a standard to work with.  Are you willing to enroll your child in 1 or 2 classes a week?  How much money can you set aside for each activity?  Knowing your parameters will be helpful when the kids start asking to do things.  You can tell them in advance, “Hey, your dad and I discussed it, and we feel it is okay for you to join one team this year.  What sport would you like to do the most?”  Or, you can have your answer ready when they ask to do something else: “Honey, it’s great that you want to take Underwater Basket-Weaving with your friend.  However, we have already committed to your piano lessons, which you chose to do first.  Let’s wait till next year to try something new!”  This is healthy decision-making that teaches kids responsibility – even if it elicits a few tantrums grumbles.
• Be flexible.  Alright, so you’ve paid for Jimmy’s football activities and he looks adorable in his uniform.  One problem:  he hates it.  This is where changing our minds is helpful.  We want our children to be challenged, to work hard for their successes – but we don’t want to damage their ever-changing psyches.  This is where communication with your spouse, your child, their coaches & teachers will come in handy.  Nothing ever has to be set in stone.  Life does require a lot of do-overs!

I am curious what my kids will want to do with extra-curriculars in the (near!)  future.  It will add some stress, but a lot of joy, too!

What are your kids currently doing for extra-curriculars?  Do you have limits in this area?  What has worked for you, and what has been a struggle?  Do share, and have a great weekend, Mom Crowd!

first picture courtesy lambchops

second picture is me, in the 7th grade

Since the addition of our third child, the amount of one-on-one time with my children has decreased quite a bit.  Over the summer I have tried very hard to find time to spend with each child one-on-one.  I’ve been amazed at how short spurts of one-on-one time with my children have really deepened my relationships with them.  My children are so little, but the simplest forms of quality time have really meant a lot to them and to me.   This summer, I have taken advantage of having a very wonderful, reliable babysitter.  My children have a TON of doctor’s visits and I have strived to have a sitter watch my other two children during one of my children’s appointments so I could focus on them during that time (and so my other children didn’t have to hang out at a boring doctor’s office).  I’ve taken my child out for lunch or ice cream or a playground trip after the appointment so we could do something fun together.  This has been a great opportunity for me to spend some quality one-on-one time with my children.  I’ve also let the baby stay up a little later then her big brother and sister since she tends to be the least demanding of my three during the day.  My oldest child rarely naps, so before she has a rest time, her and I spend some one-on-one time together after I lay down the younger two kids for their naps.  It requires a little creativity and discipline to find time to spend one-on-one with each of my children, but we are all the better for it when I make the time for them. 

Here are some ways (simple and elaborate) you can spend one-on-one time with your child

• Go on an overnight camping trip with your child (or rent a hotel room for just the two of you)
• Take your child with you on your run in the jogging stroller
• Have a movie date
• Feed ducks at the lake
• Surprise your child by showing up at their school to eat lunch with them
• Sign up to help with your child’s next school field trip
• Let your child stay up later than his/her siblings to spend some special time with Mommy and/or Daddy
• Let your early bird climb into your bed when they wake up and have some snuggle time with him or her
• When your son or daughter asks if they can go with you when you leave to run errands, say “YES!!!”
• If your child has a doctor appointment, hire a sitter for the other children so you can use the time in the waiting room one-on-one with your child.  And head out for ice cream afterward! 

How have you found ways to spend one-on-one time with your child? 

This last week, I volunteered at my church’s Vacation Bible School.  It was a wonderful time, but incredibly exhausting!  Our church’s VBS was in the evenings from 6:30-9:15.  I volunteered very last minute as a crew leader, which meant I was responsible for taking 5-7 children through each VBS station.  The first night was overwhelming for me.  I had six children in my crew.  The two boys in my crew were hyper and wild!  I was constantly having to shhh! them and remind them to listen.  I had one little girl who wasn’t content unless all four of her limbs were wrapped around my leg.  In addition to a group of energetic children, I was performing all of the high energy songs and dance moves, mediating arguments over who was going to sit by me, and hunting down the nurse for icepacks for boo-boos.  I got home after those first two nights feeling completely drained and over-stimulated.  However, toward the middle of the week, I started feeling like I was getting to know these children better and started noticing the numberous positive qualities that each of them had.  I started looking forward to seeing them and following up on the stories they shared with me the evening prior.  It was wonderful and inspiring to see their love for God and I finished the week feeling as though I had a positive impact on these children’s lives and that they had taught me something about the simplicity of faith. 

Our church went all out for Vacation Bible School.  Our theme (like many churches this summer) was Crocodile Dock.  We went through the week’s swamp theme, stopping at a snack, game, interactive Bible story, craft, candle-light discussion, and large group stations.  The kids had a blast learning about Moses, the plagues, and telling the Pharoah to “let my people go!”  Every night we learned about how much God loves us and that we should “FEAR NOT!”  One of the most awesome experiences of my week was when one of my little guys told me that he was sad his friend wasn’t there.  He thought she was going to come and she wasn’t.  Tuesday evening, we prayed that she would come and I can not even describe the look on his face when he saw her on Wednesday night.  He was so excited that God answered his prayer and was overjoyed at the gift he had in communicating with God.  All he spoke about the remainder of the week was about how God heard his prayer.  I loved being a crew leader and even though it was exhausting, I would totally do it again! 

My own children are still too young to participate in Vacation Bible School, but I can’t wait for them to be a part of it!  Here are some reasons I think parents should sign their children up for Vacation Bible School.

•  You get a several hour break from your kids every day for a week!
• Your children will be in a loving environment with people who care about their well-being.
• Your kids will have a blast!  There is no such thing as a boring VBS!
• VBS will reinforce what you have been trying to teach your children about God, if you are a Christian.
• VBS is a good way for you to get to know a church that you do not attend if you are looking for a church home.

Have your children attended VBS’s this summer or in summers past?  Have you ever volunteered at a VBS at your church?

It’s hard to believe it was close to two months ago that  I posted some resolutions I had for myself this summer.  I was determined to value the time with my kids and not get caught up in feeling bored/trapped/stir-crazy.  We are already at the half-way point here.  I thought I’d let you know how it’s been going. 

1. Theme weeks have continued to be a source of inspiration and activities for the kids and me this summer.  We kicked things off with cars, then moved onto balloons, followed by rain, then bugs, and music.  Music is such a fun topic, I’ve extended it for another week, and we still have a lot more we could do with it.  We’ve painted, made crafts with stickers, listened to funky songs, watched pertinent videos, and talked extensively about each theme.  My kids love reading new, special library books, too.  Here’s how I’ve been doing it:  about a week in advance, I search my library’s online database for children’s books in that subject area and put them on hold.  The librarians then do all the work for me!  They gather the books I’ve held and email me when they come in.  All I have to do is go in and pick them up.  This is great for me, since my kids are under 4 years old.  (If your kids are older, you can help your kids practice their library skills and find those themed books themselves.)  I read one new library book a day, which is very exciting for my kids.  We spend a lot of time reading and re-reading our special-themed books.  Themes coming up:  the sun, airplanes, fish, and colors.
2. I’ve been stretching myself and taking my kids to the library and storytimes by myself (I’m usually much more lazy and prefer only to do these things with my hubby).  I guess there’s no time like the present to suck it up!  The kids really like outings of any kind, too.  That makes it worth it. 
3. Playgroup is going strong.  This week, I hosted playgroup, and I had 10 adults and 16 kids hanging out in our backyard!  It was crazy, but really fun.  (Note to self: pick up all the dog poop BEFORE guests arrive.  There’s really nothing more humiliating than saving that one for the end of the to-do list.)
4. I’ve been making sure I’m getting “me time” at least once a week.  Sometimes this just means watching “The Bachelorette” by myself, a little guilty pleasure.  I told my husband at the beginning of the summer that it would be easier to maintain a positive attitude if I knew I had a mommy break built into each week.  He was totally on board with that idea.  Sometimes I slip out for errands by myself, or treat myself to a solo-movie date.  (Did anyone else enjoy The Proposal like I did??)  Last week I ran a 5K; this week I am going to a friend’s house to watch her make jewelry.  Me-time is non-negotiable.

Sharing my glass-is-half-full approach to the summer with you has really kept me accountable.  I have some rough days, of course, but in general, this summer has been very sweet.  I am grateful for my children, my husband, and this opportunity to hang out with them so much.  And the time is flying by!

How are you holding up this summer?