The Mom Crowd

There is so much to learn from ‘Parenting With Love and Logic.’  I thought I’d share some of my biggest successes as I’ve been reading the books and taking the class.

Something I have been learning about is control. Love and Logic teaches that in order to have control, you must give control.  One way of getting control is to offer as many choices as possible to the child.  Children are happy to oblige and feel like they have a say in day to day living which can help prevent battles over the bigger stuff.  I have been trying to be creative in offering choices….

For example:

• Do you want the green cup or the blue cup?

• Do you want to get your jammies on upstairs or downstairs?

• Do you want to brush your teeth first or get your jammies on first?

• Do you want to open the door or do you want me to?

• Do you want to take the dishes to the sink or sweep the floor?

• Do you want to wear your coat or carry it to the car?

• Will you be wearing your shoes to the car or will you be taking them in a bag?

You get the idea.  The key is to make sure that you offer two choices and that you are fine with either choice.  The other thing to keep in mind is to make sure the second choice is not a threat (i.e. do you want to clean up the toys or do you want a spanking?)

Have you ever noticed that when you tell your children to do something their first typical response is, “NO!”? Well, maybe your kids don’t do that….

I was getting tired of battling with the boys to get on coats and shoes and changing from jammies to daytime clothes before going out to the car. I noticed a BIG difference when I started asking the boys if they would be getting dressed upstairs or downstairs and wearing their coat or carrying it instead of demanding them to put it on lecturing them how if they didn’t get it on now they would freeze to death and complain about being cold. Please tell me you’ve done this too!  Now, when I ask how they will be bringing their coat I stopped hearing, “NO! I don’t WANT to get on my coat!” and started hearing, “I’ll wear it (while they put it on!)” We have had some life lessons that have come with this too.

I wrote last week that my 4 year old has mastered the ability to convince me that he (insert whine) just can’t put his shoes on, can’t get his shoes on, coat on, hat on… Well, I have to get my own things on and help the baby get his outside gear on too so enough was enough.  I told Isaac that I thought he was a very smart boy and that I knew he could figure out how to put on his socks, shoes, and coat.  I would not respond to whining anymore.  Now, I announce that I am going to get my coat and shoes on and that I will be leaving after I get the baby dressed. My 5 year old is on top of it now.  He zips downstairs and gets everything on and is ready to go.  If Isaac has been interrupted from playing he will sometimes go into whiny mode and complain so long about not wanting to leave that he will just sit and whine instead of put on his shoes and coat.

We have left the house with his shoes and/or coat in a bag or waiting inside (depending on where we are going).  Lo and behold, he is quickly figuring out that when I say I am leaving he is coming with me fully dressed or not.   I don’t have to lecture him because he is smart enough to figure out that I am leaving when I say I am leaving.

I have to say it feels GREAT to have that stress taken off of me. It is his CHOICE whether or not he puts on his socks, shoes, and coat in a timely manner. If he asks for help with his zipper I will gladly oblige as long as he hasn’t been whining about leaving.  I don’t need to control that aspect of his life.

I know that some of you must be thinking some of the same things I did.  What if other people think I am a terrible mother for letting her child leave the house without a coat or shoes for that matter?  I decided that I would rather my child learn how to put on his own clothes and learn how to be age appropriately independent than care if some lady thought I was crazy.

Love and Logic teaches parents how to use “Enforceable Statements”.  Instead of telling kids what to do all the time, you tell them what YOU are going to do. I have found this technique helpful during eating times.  I was having a hard time getting the boys to sit down to eat and STAY at the table instead of getting up and grabbing toys or running off to play and then come back and eat. I started using this statement, “I’ll be serving lunch until 12:30 (or when the big hand gets to the 6).  When the big hand gets to the 6 I’ll be putting lunch away.  I hope you’ll join me.”  (You can also use a timer for younger children) If they waste their time playing instead of eating then that is their choice.   Lunch plates get taken away and the crying starts—“But I’m HUNGRY”! They get a big hug from me as I say, “Oh honey, that is sad you chose to play instead of eat. I’ll make sure we have a yummy dinner for you. Now run along and play.”  I give lots of empathy and reinforce THEIR choice.  I’ve only had to take away plates one or two times.  Do you know that it isn’t even an issue anymore?  When I tell them that lunch will be served for the next 20 minutes they come running to the table! They learned that one really fast.

I’ve been learning a lot about what I can and can’t control when it comes to my children.  For example, I can’t MAKE my kids eat but I CAN decide when I’m going to serve food.  I can’t MAKE my kids clean up their toys but I CAN let them know that I will keep the ones I clean up.  I can’t MAKE my kid stop whining but I CAN become hard of hearing when I am being whined at.  I’m still learning but sometimes I hear William Wallace yelling, “FREEDOM!” in the background.  I don’t know about you, but I get stressed out when I feel like I need to MAKE my child do something but it is a losing battle.

Love and Logic encourages empathy, listening, love, encouragement, and believing that your kids are really smart.  A lot smarter than we give them credit for.  It teaches parents how to have good relationships with their kids. It is helping me to not yell, overreact, and withdraw from my kids.  I want to enjoy my kids and enjoy being a parent.  Not that I didn’t enjoy it before—but sometimes I feel so exasperated that I don’t know WHAT to do next.  My 5 year old is starting Kindergarten next year and unless I homeschool him, he will be spending more time with peers than he will at home.  I want him to enjoy being around me and I definitely want him to be prepared to make some good responsible choices for himself.  I won’t always be around to tell him what to do or hover for him and rescue him.

So, if you read the books or take the class come back and tell us how it is going!  Or, if you have any questions about it ask me.  What do you think about my success stories? What do you think about what you’ve been reading in the books?

**Please read the book before trying this at home. I had to leave out several other key things (due to space) that make Love and Logic work.  I want it to work for you too!

According to Wikipedia, a Helicopter Parent is someone who:

 “pays extremely close attention to his or her child’s or children’s experiences and problems, particularly at educational institutions. These parents rush to prevent any harm or failure from befalling them and will not let them learn from their own mistakes, sometimes even contrary to the children’s wishes. They are so named because, like helicopters, they hover closely overhead, rarely out of reach, whether their children need them or not.”

 Some practical examples of being a helicopter parent are:

• Driving your child to school if he/she misses the bus
• Taking your child’s homework up to school if he/she forgets it at home
• Waking your child up every morning when they are old enough to use an alarm clock
• Not allowing your child to fail at a project (finishing the project so it gets a good grade)
• Giving your child more lunch money even though he spent it unwisely earlier in the week
• Making excuses for the child why her homework wasn’t complete and begging the teacher to give the child another chance or a passing grade
• Settling all normal childhood battles for the child

 Helicopter parents try to save their children from the hardships of the world and try too hard to make everything in the child’s life pain free and perfect. Helicopter parents love their children very much.  They don’t want to see their children sad or suffering and feel like helping them out is the loving thing to do. Unfortunately, the result of helicopter parenting is that children grow up without knowing how to be responsible (because mommy and daddy have been doing all the rescuing!) and believe that they are incapable of doing anything.  The children learn that they absolutely can’t make it in life without mommy and daddy. 

Drill Sergeant Parents believe that they can make their children do whatever the parent says to do. Drill Sergeant parenting incorporates threats and punishment in order to make the child do what the parent wants.  The parent wants all the control and believes that the more control he/she has, the more likely the child is to obey. Unfortunately, there are many things you cannot “make” a child do.  These parents have children who don’t really learn how to make good decisions—they only learn how to avoid getting in trouble or get a reward.  Children of drill sergeants have a difficult time thinking for themselves because their parents do all the thinking for them. 

Some practical examples of being a drill sergeant are:

• Barking orders to clean up toys, bedrooms etc.
• Yelling—especially at bedtime when the children aren’t going to bed like they are supposed to.
• Continuous power struggles (homework, chores, talking back)

Drill Sergeants love their children too.  They just believe that they can make their children do what they want by bossing them around.  Unfortunately, the downfalls of drill sergeant parenting is communicating to the child that he/she can’t think for him/herself and that he/she isn’t capable of making it in life either. 

Does any of this sound familiar to you?  It is possible to be a helicopter to one child and a drill sergeant to a different child in your family.  I have recently discovered this myself.  I have been more of a drill sergeant to my oldest son-who by the way only digs his heels into the ground more when I try to boss him around.  And I am much more of a helicopter to my second child.  He is 4 and fully capable of putting on his own shoes and coat but there I am doing it for him because he starts whining that he “just can’t do it by himself.” So basically, I am a recovering helicopter drill sergeant. 

I have been taking a class called Love And Logic that has been marvelous and revolutionary in my relationship with my children!  Love and Logic was created by Jim Fay, Foster Cline, M.D. and Charles Fay, Ph.D.  They have several books available as well as some seminars you can go to.  There are certified Love and Logic teachers available all over the country who teach the course.

The goal of Love and Logic is to teach parents how to be Consultants to their children.  Consultant parents communicate to their children,  “You’d best do your own thinking because the quality of your life has a lot to do with your decisions.” Consultant parents don’t tell their kids what to do.  (Mind blowing-I tell you!) Consultants are excited about the opportunities that come along in life where children make mistakes—because it is an opportunity for the child to learn (not be rescued!).  Consultant parents are always there to give advice (not lectures!) but let their children make their own decisions and fail or succeed. 

Love and Logic is practical for toddlers through teenagers.  The techniques work and I am going save some of my own successes for another post next week.   They have books that help with teens, toddler-kindergarten, even for a classroom setting. Their website has some video clips that will help you get a taste of their style.  It won’t give you too much information though—just enough to make you ask for more. 

So, have you ever heard of Love and Logic?  Do you know anyone that does Love and Logic with their kids?  Are you a helicopter, drill sergeant, or consultant? Sound intriguing? 

Our family cannot leave the house without at least two people wanting to know if my 4 year old and 2 year old are twins.  While my children are separated by 2 years and 3 months, because my oldest has Down syndrome, they are about the same size and are at about the same level in many developmental areas.  My youngest child learned how to walk six months after my firstborn learned how to walk and we have been in “twin mode” ever since.  It’s been exhausting and rewarding all at the same time! There is a constant pursuit among mothers of all races, religions, cultures, and backgrounds to find the magical interval between pregnancies.

“Baby Bunching” seems to be a growing trend among mothers.  “Baby Bunching” is a term two mothers have coined to describe siblings who are less than two years apart.  Linda and Cara have a blog devoted to mothers of “twiblings.”   Their blog contains articles that address the experiences of parenting children who are very close in age.  While my children are a few months out of the spacing requirements of “official baby bunchers,”I can most certainly appreciate the challenges, rewards, and unique chaos that baby bunchers experience due to my children being developmentally very close to each other, even though their chronological age is over two years.

Some of the benefits of having children who are close developmentally I have found is you get the pregnancy and newborn stages over and behind you in one swoop.  Not that I didn’t enjoy my pregnancies, but there are some things I don’t want to do forever!  Another advantage to having “twiblings” is our children play with the same toys and have the same interests.  We never had to hide our older child’s choking hazard toys from our curious crawler.  In our house everyone still naps {or at least goes to their room for an hour for quiet time}.  My firstborn was so easy going, that the transition from one to two children was really easy.  Our first child adjusted so well to her new brother, and I believe that in part is because she was younger.  One of my favorite things about having children close in age is their love for each other.  It is becoming more difficult to distinguish who has the dominant role in their relationship and they have a two sided adoration for each other at a very young age.

Some of the challenges I have found in having children so close in age is the toddler stage is tough all the way around!  Both of my children are constantly going  in separate directions.  If nap time/quiet time gets skipped, I have TWO incredibly angry toddlers who I cannot yet bribe with McDonalds.  I have to do everything twice, many times each day…change two diapers, make sure two children make it safely up and down the stairs, clean up two messes of everything, work on potty training with two children at a time, etc… I pray to God imagine that the toddler stage is probably one of the hardest in baby bunching.  There are moments when I daydream about adopting a seven year old girl to help me with my little “twiblings!”  It may be an illusion, but it seems like my friends who have spaced their children a few years apart have an easier time doing simple things like grocery shop and go on trips to the park.  However, it may just be my cynacism that has evolved from having two toddlers.

What are some other opinions on child spacing?

• Dr. Sears said it best when he said, “There is seldom the ideal time for a child. If we always waited for ‘the perfect time’ to have a child, we would probably have two instead of eight.”  He recommends spacing them two or three years apart if you have a baby who is a high needs baby in an effort to avoid parent burn out and to give parents more energy to devote to that more demanding child.  However, if you have an easy infant, spacing them very close in age typically works great, according to Dr. Sears!
• The New England Journal of Medicine believes that spacing children 18-23 months has the healthiest outcomes for both mom and baby.  Low birthweight, prematurity, and small sized babies are higher risks in children spaced less than 18 months and more than 23 months apart.
• Some argue that having children three years apart is the magical child spacing number.  They say that the older child is old enough to understand more about their new sibling’s arrival, yet they are close enough in age to grow up playing together.

While it’s fun to weigh pros and cons of different child spacing philosophies, I think this is such a personal decision for each family and what works for some families doesn’t always work for all families.  Also, there are outside factors parents should consider before choosing to have another child; most importantly, the health of their relationship with one another.

What do you think is the magic child spacing age difference?  What have you liked about the spacing between your children?  What has been challenging about their age differences?

All the moms I know love it when their babies nap. When babies get out of that newborn stage where they sleep anywhere and everywhere sometimes napping gets a little more challenging. Once the baby is a few months old and mommy has to go back to work, take care of other kids at home, actually get some cleaning and laundry done….you know what I am saying– it is wonderful when the baby sleeps for a good long chunk during the day so some of those things can get done. It is so relieving for many moms when babies learn to nap in their bed, on the floor, in a stroller, in a car seat…..point being when the baby doesn’t have to be held every time he needs to sleep. Some babies just don’t transition from that newborn “I’m going to be such a laid back, easy sleeping baby” to napping on their own very well.

Have you ever rocked and rocked your baby to sleep only to have him wake up 20 minutes after you lay him down? Do you get stressed out if your baby fusses or cries before falling asleep? Would you prefer to help your baby nap well without letting him cry? Do you wonder why your baby can only sleep for 45 minutes during a nap? Have you ever wondered when your baby needs to drop a nap? Will your baby only go to sleep if you nurse him to sleep? Does your baby/toddler have a hard time napping in general? Do you struggle with having a consistent bedtime/naptime routine? Do you wonder how much sleep your baby/toddler/preschooler needs over a 24 hour period? Do you feel like you’ve tried everything and you still need help getting your child to nap?

If you answered YES to any (or all!) of these questions, then you will probably enjoy The No-Cry Nap Solution. Especially if you are fond of gentle, gradual change that includes as little crying from the baby as possible. I found this book very easy to read and it truly did address many problems that parents face when it comes to children and napping. Elizabeth Pantley offers several step-by-step guides in her book and is very gentle in her approach to getting children into a good napping routine. Her approach is compassionate and also practical.

When I got the book in the mail, I first skimmed it to see what she had to say about situations that I am currently facing with 2 of my children. My youngest (16 months) still takes 2 naps a day and I am ready for him to go down to one. I wanted to see what she had to say about dropping the morning nap. She has a list of criteria to help you determine if your baby still needs 2 naps. After reading her list (very helpful!), I determined that Graham isn’t ready to drop his morning nap. Then I skimmed the chapter on how to know if your child is ready to drop naps all together. Again, very helpful–and she had a GREAT section on how to create a good “hush hour” for your non-napping children. She had some sample daily sleep/nap/activity schedules to help guide you as you create healthy sleep routines for your kids. Again, very helpful.

Then I read the book from the beginning. She covers why naps are vital for a child’s development (and a parent’s sanity), she has a nap plan worksheet to help you decide what steps to take next, and is very encouraging to keep trying while figuring it all out. This book is a good choice to read even for parents who want to help prevent sleep problems with their newborn baby. She offers several suggestions for parents to start practicing right from the beginning.

I have been a big fan of Healthy Sleep Habits, Happy Child by Marc Weissbluth, since I read it 5 years ago. I found that The No Cry Nap Solution has very similar theories and ideas as Healthy Sleep Habits. The No Cry Nap Solution is much more practical and easy to read than Healthy Sleep Habits. For parents who tend to have more of an “attachment parenting” style I think The No Cry Nap Solution is a GREAT choice. Even parents who are in more of the “BabyWise” or “don’t mind if your babies learn how to soothe themselves to sleep” camp will appreciate all the suggestions and information the book offers. I found that Pantley is more comfortable with allowing a baby to nap in a swing, stroller, bouncy seat, car ride (motion sleep) than I am. In the early newborn stage when babies fall asleep so easily, motion sleep makes sense because that is what babies are used to. I found from my own experience that swing naps or car naps were not as restorative as when my kids slept in their own beds. Pantley is much more gradual in her approach (than I have been) to getting kids to sleep in their beds rather than a swing or moving stroller during naptime. To Pantley’s credit, she does have a clear plan/outline for parents on how to switch from a motion nap to a motionless nap. It just takes longer than the Healthy Sleep Habits, Happy Child way.

I enjoyed reading this book and give it a thumb’s up review. If you have read any of Elizabeth Pantley’s other books and enjoyed them, then no doubt you will enjoy this one as well.

For discussion: What nap problems are you dealing with right now? Let’s comiserate together!

When my husband and I were childless we didn’t not understand what life was like for our friends who had kids. We sometimes wondered why my sister-in-law would leave early from a family dinner so her kids wouldn’t miss their eight o’clock bedtime. We didn’t understand why one night would be such a big deal.

We also had grand illusions of how we would be different as parents. We dreamt of getting sitters often and going anywhere at anytime with our kids. Then reality hit us  with our first baby.

Now that we are parents we certainly have a greater understanding of what it means to parent and we have a lot more grace for other parents.

Here are ten things that we just didn’t understand before our little one came along.

1. Bedtimes and nap schedules are important to keep kids and parents happy.

2. Getting a babysitter is a big deal and expensive.

3. A night out with adult conversation is a treat.

4. How difficult it is to get a great photo of your child.

5. Not feeding kids sugar is important, because it really does make them hyper.

6. You just can’t go anywhere at anytime when you want, no matter how flexible your kids are.

7. Kids don’t always behave as you want them to in public places.

8. It really does take a long time just to get out the door.

9. Don’t assume that a child’s misbehavior is a result of lack of discipline.  Most of the time parents really are trying their best and the kid is just acting their age.

10. Mother’s Day Out and other programs like it are very awesome.

Did you have grand illusions of what parenting would be like before kids? Were there things that you didn’t understand about your friends with kids, but you get now that you are a parent?