The Mom Crowd

I’m back!  My husband and I recently adopted a little girl from Ukraine and I took some time off of The Mom Crowd to focus on our new little one. I have not experienced anything in my life more rewarding than inviting this precious angel, who was abandoned, to be a part of our family.  The fact that she will not die in an orphanage without knowing what love is makes me wish for others to consider adoption!

Adding a 15 month old to your family is a little different than adding a newborn to your family!  Reese joined our family with an already somewhat formed personality.  The only language she understood was Russian and she has lived her entire life in an orphanage sharing 2-3 caregivers with 15 other children 24/7. So, the adjustment after an adoption has some unique challenges that adjustments immediately after childbirth do not have.

Our adjustment and Reese’s adjustment since coming home from Ukraine has gone remarkably well.  My older two children did better than I could have imagined, with very minimal jealousy from my two year old son as he relinquished his role of being the baby of the family.  Most of the adjustment issues I was prepared for with Reese became non-issues and I have spent the last month in awe at how {dare I say} easy this transition has gone.

I think the research I did on bonding and attachment issues in orphans really helped prepare us all for this transition.  It is not realistic to expect an orphan to feel an instant love for their new family and many times new parents do not feel an instant bond with the child they adopted.  I did not have the expectation that from day one, she would feel bonded to us and even us to her.  My love for her started before she came, but my bond with her may be something that I would acquire over time and not necessarily instantly feel.

Reese’s personality is pretty laid back, so she ended up being content with our routine and family dynamics quickly.  A lot of orphans are not comfortable with too much touch because they are not used to it.   I was prepared to teach Reese to enjoy being held, but there was no teaching necessary…she ate it up from the start!  The one place she is aversive to touch is her face, so we are sensitive when we have to wipe her nose.  While it was good that she loved being held from the beginning, she did not like being put down.  Reese had a hard time with making eye contact with us the first week she was home.  However, that changed pretty quickly. We also had to work very hard for her smiles and giggles in the beginning.

Even though she had very little difficulty in adjusting to our family, I am still amazed at the changes in her over the last month!  After about four weeks, it became quite obvious that she knew we belonged to her and that she was a part of our family.  Around the same four week mark, she began laughing and smiling much more, did not require being held all the time, and is even doing better when I wipe her nose.  It is hard to put into words, but she obviously feels very established in our little family now and it brings me so much joy!  We are all used to our “new normal” around here.  The only thing I am still getting used to is the logistics of transitioning from place to place with three kids rather than two. Getting in and out of the car with three kids is probably not my favorite thing to do…

The question my husband and I had before we met this little girl was whether we could truly love her as much as our biological children.  The answer is aboslutely “YES!” and it happened quicker than we thought!

I thought I’d share with you something I’ve been trying at my house.  I don’t know about your kids, but MY kids do not enjoy “clean up time”.  I can’t even tell you how many times I’ve bugged them to tears and tantrums about cleaning up.  I don’t like cleaning up my stuff all the time (ask my husband) but leaving toys strewn all through the house is not really an option for me.  I hate stepping on toys and kicking them around while I am holding the toddler and can’t see where my feet are stepping.  And most of all I abhor cleaning up THEIR mess at the end of the day.  I am not their maid, I’m their mom. Part of my job as their mother is to teach them how to be responsible for their own things–not clean up after them day in and day out.  Let’s face it, with 3 kids home for most or all of the day, I have enough on my plate already with keeping food in the house, making sure laundry is clean and put away, paying bills, and actually making meals.  Not to mention all the other “household engineering duties” that fall on our plates as moms.   The last thing I want to all day long is pick up their toys.

I wrote a while ago about Love and Logic and how I have enjoyed trying out those parenting techniques with my kids.  I decided that some Love and Logic was needed so I could teach the kids responsibility for their things AND to keep my own sanity.  I knew that the more I nagged my kids about cleaning up, the MORE they got angry at me and me with them.  The cycle wasn’t working and it was time for change.

So using some of the strategies from Love and Logic I told them the following: “Okay boys, we need something different around here for cleaning up toys.  It isn’t Mommy’s job to clean up your toys all the time and I really don’t like arguing with you about it.  Do you like it when Mommy bugs you to clean up your messes?”  ”NO!”, they say. “Okay great!  I’m glad we agree about that.  Here is the new deal–you can get out whatever you want during the day.  How does that sound?”  ”Great!”, they respond.  ”Awesome!  This is important–so make sure you listen to this–you have until dinner is ready to clean up your toys.  Whatever is left on the floor when dinner is ready goes in trash bags.  So, if you want to clean up during the day as you go you can choose to do that OR if you want to wait until Mommy starts cooking dinner you can do that too.  You can choose not to clean up your toys at all if you want–but you won’t get them back very easily. I’m fine with whatever you want to do. How does that sound?”  Their response, “Okay.”  

I think they were so relieved to hear that I wouldn’t harass them about cleaning up and that there wouldn’t be any arguing about it that getting toys taken away didn’t really sink in.  Until the next day.  Over the next week I think I stockpiled about 3-4 trash bags plus another pile of toys that they never got around to cleaning up.  Were they happy about it?  No way!  Did they throw a fit about their toys getting taken?  You bet!  Did I give up?  No way!  The key was to keep my calm and to really be fine with when they wanted to pick up their toys.  I put the ball in their court and let the consequences do the talking.  I chose not to lecture them and remind them to clean up or what would happen if they didn’t.  I do tell them that I am about to start working on dinner–but I never give a reminder “so you might want to start cleaning up”.  When they did leave toys out and I had to get out the trash bags, I would tell them what a bummer it was to have to put their toys away.  At first they tried to get mad at ME and blame it on me.  ”Nice try”, I say.  ”You chose how to spend your time and this is the consequence for your choice.”   

At first, I thought that they wouldn’t have any toys left by the time we were ready to pack up and go to England but in the last 5 days I haven’t had to pick up any toys left out.  They do it on their own.  Sure, they usually wait until I start cooking dinner to clean up but I don’t care!  They get the job done.  Sometimes we are going to be gone from the house for the afternoon and if I made dinner in the crockpot they don’t have time to pick up.  Now that we have this system going and they know I mean business, we just suggest that they might want to clean up real quick before coming to dinner.  And would you believe it, there isn’t much of a hassle about it!  Or if someone is coming over and we need to tidy up before they get there, they are generally cheerful about picking up.

My boys are 4.5 and 5.5.  I wish I would have started this on them when they were 3!  Or maybe even 2.  Although, with a 2 year old it would need to be modified since a 2 year old doesn’t have any concept of time.  And they usually need more help.  But preschoolers can learn and learn quickly.  Have you ever seen kids at preschool clean up toys so fast during clean up time and then wonder why your kids don’t do that at home?  I’m already strategizing about how to work with the 19 month old and cleaning up his toys.

You might be wondering how they get their toys back.  Well, some have gone away forever.  Others are earned back by doing special jobs around the house.  I don’t tell them ahead of time that they can get a toy back if they do a job.  Usually I’ll just ask them if they can help out and if I get a yes I’ll tell them they can go pick out one toy from the trash bags.  In fact, just this afternoon, my 5 year old helped by taking clothes out of the dryer and he went and got his newest transformer out of time out.  He was thrilled.  

What strategies do I use?  

• I don’t demand they pick up their toys NOW!  I let them choose the time.  They have control over when they pick up.
• I speak calmly.
• I show empathy when they make bad choices and lose their toys that were left on the floor.  
• I don’t lecture them about it.  
• I let the consequences do the talking.  

I’m still learning about teaching my kids about responsibility through their choices and doing it in a loving way.  I figure that I’m not the only mom who feels like she might pull out her hair if she has to pick up toys day in and day out.  I hope that this helps someone out there!

What do you do to get your kids to clean up?  What works for you?  Would you try this at your house?  Why or why not?

*photo courtesy of Swedishcarina*

Happy Earth Day!

The purpose of Earth Day is to promote awareness about the environment and to inspire people to join in the cause to take care of our planet.  There are so many ways to be involved in taking care of our planet that sometimes it can be overwhelming.  It is important to remember that we can all do our part, start slowly, then keep building on the changes we DO make to help reverse some of the problems we have created by NOT taking care of our planet.

For this Earth Day, I want to highlight a book called Healthy Child Healthy World by Christopher Gavigan.  Healthy Child Healthy World is an organization founded by parents Nancy and James Chuda, who lost their daughter, Colette, to a rare form of cancer when she was 5 years old.  They felt like her cancer was triggered by environmental factors and started to research how toxic substances and environmental exposures have an impact on children.  With the help of some friends and family, they started the organization to help educate the public and be an advocate for children and their environmental health. Christopher Gavigan is the CEO and executive director of Healthy Child Healthy World and is comitted to helping families make their homes safer for children.

The chapters cover just about every aspect of making your home a safer, cleaner, greener place for you and your children–even beginning with pregnancy and what you can do to help prepare your home for the baby. First and foremost, the way you eat during your pregnancy has a big impact on you and the baby’s health.  Avoiding preservatives and additives like MSG and artificial food coloring are a good first place to start.  In my birth classes we have one whole class dedicated to nutrition during pregnancy.  Good nutrition is important for everyone–especially when you are growing a baby!

Avoiding chemicals, like phthalates, in (some) lotions and other cosmetics can also help protect the baby. The book offers itself as a guide as you think about everything from baby showers to products to put (or avoid) in the nursery. Gavigan offers specific recipes for replacing the harsh, store bought cleaners with safe, homemade cleaners.  Store bought cleaners have chemicals in them that can cause problems like poisoning, respitory difficulites, organ damage, and deteriorating the freshwater supply.

The book offers interesting information about the ingredients in our beauty supplies–it is enough to make you consider replacing some of the products you probably use on a daily basis.

The chapter on Child’s Play is helpful and a great place for new parents with young children.  We have all been awakened to the idea that perhaps not everyone has the best interests of our children at heart after all those recalls of toys with high levels of lead in them.  Choosing toys, clothes, and baby products is most helpful early on–and gets more difficult later on if you are trying to avoid large amounts of plastic toys (that is from my own experience).  We have a lot of toys in our house–many of them plastic. If I could start over I would have a lot LESS plastic, and more long-lasting toys.   The chapter even has some recipes in it for safe art supplies!

Pets, pesticides, and indoor air pollution is also covered in the book.  I was surprised at how easy and simple some of the ideas were for minimizing and eliminating pests in the household without resorting to the more toxic chemical solutions.  I’m telling you, this book covers everything!  The back of the book is filledwith TONS of resources of retailers and organizations to help you along in your journey to making your home safer and greener.

If you are interested in having a resource on hand, this is a good one to have.  As you read through it, remember: “No one can do everything. Everyone can do something.”

What “green” things do you already do at your house?  Have you read this book? Heard of it? What did you think?

A friend of mine recently had her second baby.  She is beautiful, calm, and quiet.

Baby’s older brother, Joe, is struggling.  He is nearly 3, and the family adjustments are taking their toll on him.  My friend shared with me how Joe tends to throw tantrums on a near-daily basis, taking out his frustrations on his dad (since dad is spending more time with Joe than usual).

Joe’s tantrums include yelling, throwing things, excessive crying, and to their dismay, biting.  My friend is understandably concerned.  Joe is a sweet boy.  She knows that this is most likely a phase – but it’s a difficult one to endure.  She said she’s been reading everything she can about how to handle tantrums, but she still finds herself at a loss sometimes.   I have suggested that they share the issue with their pediatrician, and I’ve tried to encourage her that Joe will eventually get used to their family’s new dynamics.

Here are some other resources on the topic of tantrums:

• Home Treatment for Tantrums from WebMD
• When Children Tantrum from The Informed Parent
• Tips from Sprout for Parents about the Birth of a Second Child

Have you dealt with this in your family?   Do you have any suggestions for how to survive this kind of adjustment?

If you have been thinking about switching Pediatricians, then you should do it! Switching Pediatricians can be a hassle and cost money, but it can be worth it. Amelia wrote about switching Ob/Gyns, but what about your children’s doctor?

My family recently switched Pediatricians 6 days after my second baby was born. Our first doctor, “Dr. Passive Aggressive” is a competent physician and is a part of a large pediatric group.  I wrote about how to choose a Pediatrician and followed a lot of those guidelines. We interviewed the doctor, the office is open on Saturdays, there is a separate area for sick kids, and she seemed nice enough.

Our opinion of Dr. Passive Aggressive started to change when we told her that we were having our second at a Birth Center and asked her what her protocol would be after the birth.  She was not familiar with birth centers or home births at all. She asked what would happen in the case of an emergency and how the baby is taken care of after the birth. She was not satisfied with my answers and gave me a stern warning “that it only takes a few seconds for a baby to code.” We didn’t really finish the conversation, because she just left the room. This should have been my first clue.

My husband left the conversation with a lot of fear and doubt. I talked with Amelia about it and we chalked it up to that she wasn’t familiar with Birth Centers. I also spoke with my Midwife and she calmed our fears and explained that they do a complete checklist with newborns.

We brought my son into Dr. Passive Aggressive’s office one day after he was born, per her protocol. During that appointment she made many passive aggressive statements like, “I usually prefer to do circumcisions in the hospital.” “Did they do a hearing test? You usually are not allowed to leave the hospital without Test XYZ.” She picked apart the checklist from the birth center. She made us feel like it was really inconveniencing her to do things outside of the hospital. She was negative about the entire experience, even though my son was perfectly healthy and I was showered and dressed and sitting in her office 24 hours after I gave birth. She never even said, “Congratulations.”

My husband and I decided to switch Pediatricians. Dr. Passive Aggressive was competent, but clearly not inline with our birthing philosophy. We decided that we shouldn’t feel stupid or belittled when we left a doctor’s office.

We paid $35 dollars to get copies of our children’s records and went to a new Pediatrician across the street. The new doctor, Dr. Nice, and the new office has been great. Dr. Nice has never made us feel bad for waiting to do the circumcision and hearing test. She also doesn’t make us feel stupid when we ask questions. The new office also really appreciated the detailed newborn checklist from the birth center. The front desk is warm and friendly. My daughter has been ill and they called yesterday to check on her. I have never had a doctor do that. A nice bonus is that my daughter loves to play in their waiting room. I never knew that the grass really was greener on the other side.

There are many reasons to switch doctors:

• You move and need to find a doctor closer to you.
• You aren’t in agreement with how they are treating your child’s illness.
• You feel like you have to lie about your parenting style (like attachment parenting), because you know they don’t agree with you.
• The front office does not provide good customer service.
• It is difficult to make appointments.
• It is difficult to speak with a nurse when you have a question.
• You don’t feel comfortable asking the doctor questions.

Have you ever switched Pediatricians? If so, why did you?