The Mom Crowd

Sometimes people talk just to talk. I’m one of those people. If I don’t know what to say, I usually say the wrong thing and make myself look like a complete buffoon in the process. Even when my intentions are completely pure, I sometimes say things to others that cause them more hurt and pain. When my daughter was about a year and a half old, my husband and I became pregnant with our second child. That pregnancy ended in a miscarriage and it was truly the hardest thing I have ever gone through. It was harder than finding out Darah had Down syndrome (which has it’s own list of things not to say) and her open heart surgery. I will share the details of my miscarriage with you on another day. For now, here’s some of the real life comments people told me in an attempt to ease my pain. While every comment was made with the best intentions, they didn’t help me and made me feel worse.

10. “I know what you’re feeling.”
Even if you’ve had a miscarriage, you really don’t know exactly how this person is feeling. Every person’s situation is different and everybody grieves in different ways.

9. “Take comfort that your baby is now an angel in Heaven. He or she got to skip the hardships of this world.”
When I had my miscarriage, I was so angry. I didn’t want my baby in “a better place.” I wanted him or her in my womb and I felt like my baby was taken from me.

8. “At least you have Darah. Some women can’t have any children.”
You’re right. However, I wanted this second child as much as I wanted my first. That baby was part of me for a short time and I was already in love.

7. “You can always try again.”
Every mother who has had a miscarriage knows they can try again. However, while a person is grieving a loss, they’re not always ready to look to the future. This is like telling a widow, “you can always remarry.” It doesn’t help.

6. “At least you were only in your first trimester.”
When someone told me this, it made me even more angry. I was gearing up to find out the sex and pick out bedding. I felt like they were saying my pregnancy wasn’t legitimate.

5. “Let me tell you all about the miscarriages my sister-in-law had and let me tell you about her beautiful, healthy child she has now.”
Miscarriages are incredibly common and everyone has either had one themselves or knows someone who has. When I was grieving my loss, I didn’t care about any losses anyone else had. Every story I heard made me compare my situation to theirs and because of major self-pity, my story was always worse!

4. “Maybe that baby had something wrong with him or her and it’s for the best.”
I had already had a child born with Down syndrome. When someone told me this, it exaggerated the fact that I already had a child with health issues and then made me think that they thought my daughter wasn’t worth life.

3. “Did you take any medications or do anything you shouldn’t have done?”
I already felt guilty because of my incredibly high stress levels and for drinking diet coke occasionally during my pregnancy. This magnified all of the guilt I was already carrying.

2. “Have you ever thought of adopting?”
I was so embarrassed after my miscarriage. I felt like everyone who knew me thought there was something wrong with me. When I found out I was pregnant with this child, I was so excited to have a “normal” pregnancy and experience what everyone around me experienced with their uneventful (in my opinion) pregnancies. I was robbed of that because of my miscarriage and the adoption option made me feel like I failed.

And the number one thing to not tell someone who just had a miscarriage……..

1. “I’M PREGNANT!!!!!!”
Even though I was incredibly happy for my friends around me who were pregnant at the time, I didn’t want to talk about their pregnancies with them right after my miscarriage. I wasn’t ready. If you are getting ready to announce your pregnancy, I think it’s a good idea to tell your friend in an email so they can react the way the want to without having to fake a smile. Don’t elaborate in the email about how you were afraid to tell them, just tell simply tell them you’re pregnant. Allow your friend to bring up the topic in conversation when she’s ready.

What you can say…
“I’m sorry.” “How can I help?” “I’m here for you.”

What were some unhelpful comments people told you when you were grieving the loss of an unborn child? What were some helpful things people said or did while you were grieving?